A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been really foolish and now I'm stuck in a love relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm 31 and female and met this amazing guy last year in a bar with friends, he's 3 years younger then me, funny, intelligent, gorgeous, successful and caring and honest. From the first date, he told me he doesn't do relationships and has fun chasing women. We get on great, so we started seeing each other and yes I know he slept with others, but I thought we were different. He told me he loved me and we'd spend time with each other's friends. About 7 months in, he was talking about a girl he was seeing and I just snapped. Couldn't do this anymore and so I walked away. He was shocked, confused etc. But he made me no effort to see me again or put it right, was happy to let me go.. I just couldn't do it! He either wanted me or didn't and didn't. I thought we were perfect for each other and if only there wasn't other women we'd be together and happy. Last month we go talking again, initiated on both parts. But I started it with a, 'how are you?' message. I missed him and hoped to be friends, so we started speaking and met up recently and we fell back into what we had. Only now his told me he has realized he must stop chasing women - I was speechless and thought finally. But I have just spoken to him and after new year he no longer wants to see me. His is giving up chasing women and wants to meet nice girl and focus on being a better person. I'm pleased for him, but I'm also extremely hurt that he no longer wants me in his life. I would like to be friends as we get on so well and his like one of my closet friends. But he wants to cut all ties with me. I don't know what I did wrong and hate I'm never going to speak or see him again after new year. I'm kicking myself as got what I always wanted and he doesn't want me. He said his sorry and he hopes I have a lovely life and wishes me well. What do I do? Please help me. One it hurts so much. So what can I do to encourage him to not just walk away? Three should I just let him go and think his a jerk for all of this. It's hard as I'm so proud and pleased his finally changing his ways, but so so hurt it's me that's getting pushed out of his life forever Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): He was clear and honest with you right from the start that he doesn't want a real relationship and likes to chase women. So whatever he did afterwards, you can't hold that against him, because you had been forewarned and you chose to go ahead anyway. it's not his fault.
Yet you suddenly "snapped" at him. this is unfair to him because he had been upfront and straight with you from the very beginning and you played along giving him the impression you were OK with it. You basically were misleading him all along by telling him you were OK being FWB or whatever it was he said he wanted with you (just not a real relationship), then you "punish" him by snapping at him and giving him the cold shoulder, without warning! that's very immature. And he was shocked and confused at your behavior. Well of course he was, because from his point of view your punishing reaction was out of nowhere.
That's why now when he's decided he wants to grow up and settle down, he's not looking to you as a potential partner. You have shown him that you're full of drama and not to be trusted because he was open and honest with you, but you weren't with him. You misled him about your expectations towards him and then suddenly "punished" him without a warning. So of course he's gonna stay the heck away from you now. He can't count on you to not suddenly blow up at him again for no reason (from his view) further down the road.
I'm afraid that as much as you want him, you have to accept that he doesn't want you, so you should move on and not spin your wheels anymore with him. Examine what you contributed to this situation so you don't repeat this. Such as, not accepting someone's upfront and honest answer instead hoping they will change into what you want and then punishing them when they don't. that's not good for any relationship.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 December 2011):
 I know this is very painful and disappointing for you. But think about it: when you first met him he told you straight out that he "doesn't do" relationships and likes to chase women. Now he's told you he's giving up chasing and wants to focus on being a better person to meet someone else. And - he no longer wants to see you.
What could be clearer?
Yet, you want to keep him as a "friend." That is not going to work because you won't be content with friendship only.
You didn't necessarily do anything wrong. But now, ramp up your self-esteem and recognize there is NOTHING you can do to encourage him to stay around. He's made his choice, and unfortunately, that's it. Game over.
P.S. You say you got what you always wanted and now he doesn't want you. Don't kid yourself: you really didn't get what you wanted at all........move on from this man and don't waste time in regrets or longing for what might have been!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): OP you're a bit all over the place here. First off you have to realize this - "hoped to be friends" is a complete and utter lie. You may believe it, you may even think you can settle for that but it's not true. You don't want friendship with him because you're in love with him. Eddie85 said everything I wanted to say and he said it better than I ever could but I think the most important part of what he said is the first paragraph so read it again and again and understand it. There is nothing you can do.For the future OP and every single Aunt and Uncle here will tell this is true. When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship "right now" "wants to chase women" "doesn't want to settle down" or any variation of that sentence. What he actually means is he doesn't want a relationship with you. Not that he doesn't want a relationship at all just that he doesn't see himself being in one with you.You settled for this OP, he was open, honest and told you what the deal was and you accepted. You can't think he's a jerk for this he did nothing wrong. You're the one who assumed by opening your legs for him that he'd fall in love with you. But he told you from the start he didn't see himself being in a relationship with you at all and that he just wanted you as a fuck buddy. You accepted that.He doesn't love you, friendship with him would not work, he is never going to be in a relationship with you and he told you all this from the start.So just move on. Deal with the pain, take your time to get over him and then find someone else when you're ready. But next time OP do not settle for being someone's fuck buddy. You only sell yourself short and trust me when I say this; he wouldn't have said he didn't want a relationship if there was any chance he thought of you as a potential partner. He wouldn't have ruined his chances by saying that if he really did want you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 December 2011):
 This is the hardest question this morning. That is probably why it hasn't been answered yet. Yes it is sad. Yes it is unfair. Yes there is little hope.What has happened, is that you have been categorized as a fun girl, and not as a keeper, a "nice girl". You woke him up and pointed him in the right direction, but he now sees you as, someone who would sleep with a guy knowing he had other partners. It is unfair that he demanded that you accept that in him then, but now he can't accept your past with him. He can't seem to see that just as he can change, you can as well. Or, he never was that interested in you. Which is even crueler. Part of what he is doing is smart. He has to break his bad habits. Part of that is breaking away from the people and situations associated with his bad habits. Whatever the cause he is gone. I am sad with you that this is so. It is time to grieve and move on. He has hurt you enough.FA
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 December 2011):
 I think you need to face the facts here and realize this guy isn't that much into you. You keep trying to believe that he is, when all indicators show that clearly his interest level in you isn't what you'd want in a boyfriend. No amount of persuasion can make someone fall in love with you. Unfortunately, the mind cannot change the heart (and vica versa)First off, you invested almost a year into a man who told you outright that he has no interest in relationships. Now that he is interested in a relationship, you aren't at the top of his list. And yet, you continue to torture yourself with hopes that you'll win him over. Hopefully by re-reading your post you see the reality of the situation.As an impartial observer, I think its time to cut your losses. You obviously have a lot to offer, you are articulate and were able to keep this guy's interest for a little while, so you definitely have potential to find someone who will want to be there 100% for you. There are plenty of men out there that offer what he has to offer (and more!) and most importantly -- they'll reciprocate your feelings to you.The pain of unrequited love is difficult (believe me, I know), but it does get easier with time and knowing that it DOES get better. Sometime, perhaps soon if you open your heart, you'll meet someone who will be head over heels in love with you and will make your friend pale in comparison. Why wouldn't you want to hold out for something like that? Its almost a new year, why not start out on the right foot and make a fresh start -- with someone new.Best wishes
...............................
A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 Sorry for what you're going through, it's usually hardest when you have invested loads on someone emotionally. The simplest yet hardest thing that you can do is just let him be, don't push so hard for him to be with you, and don't do it all with a bitter heart.Sometimes when you pursue hard it tends to push the other person away just as hard, yet when you pull back it draws them in. Not to say that's how it will turn out in your situation, just basic human nature.Sometimes I'd pull such stunts with girls just like he did with you and a funny thing would happen when they did what I'm suggesting you do...IT DROVE ME NUTS!!! But that was just my situation and may not necessarily apply to you, just basic human nature.Whatever the case try not to fret too much regardless of the emotional turmoil you may feel, he may come back to you or maybe he is just another player not worthy of your time or feelings. Good luck all the same
...............................
|
