A
female
age
41-50,
*egana
writes:Okay here it goes, it has been 3 yrs since my husbands affair, I am in a better place emotionally, problem is he is not happy that I am feeling this way, he wants me to be the same in pre-affair times....everything that I cherished when we were so called happy, like the wedding dress, wedding bands and other things people keep to remember their so called memories of there "togetherness" is no longer important to me, what is important is now, and working things out I dont want anything from the past. It didnt mean anything to him if it did why did he go and have an affair..right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): Your hb is really living in la la land if he thinks things should remain the same before you found out about the affair. He should count his lucky stars that you still are with him , instead of pretending that you all are the same he needs to be realistic and see whether you two have moved on in your relationship. The cheaters just cannot get it, they believe that since they confess /get found out and all is in the open then all is well. it is this blaseness that really gets to me, the pretence and the emotional bullshit. The past is just that, why keep mementos when it meant nothing to him while he engaged in his extra curricular activities? Just becareful though , i think this not caring attitude is your defence mechanism in coping with his cheating. Don’t hurt yourself in this process of emotional coping. You still are hurting and trying to make peace/sense of it all. I think he however has unrealistic expectations of you. You are right it is all about here and now and what the future holds for you two. How has your marriage improved since you found out? What is your relationship about now? How do you move forward? Have you healed or are you using the don’t care attitude as a weapon to protect yourself?
A
female
reader, 2479  +, writes (3 November 2009):
I can try to imagine how hurt you must have been and how you're probably still hurting now. It's hard to say what I'd do in your place once trust has gone it's probably impossible to get back. I applaud you for trying to make it work and you still love him but I think you need some time apart to work out what you both need. I suppose it does make you quite bitter about everything that you held dear and believed in. Yes, keep talking even if you do have time apart. I think he's dreaming if he wants life like it was before - there ain't no going back to that he saw to that. Just do what you feel is right for you.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (2 November 2009):
 You say you are in a better place emotionally but i sense a rawness that is still there and i sense it because i have been there too!
I understand your pain and everything that is associated with that pain and what your doing is erasing or trying to erase what went on before the affair?
You need to address why the affair began and if you can go on with him in this marriage feeling as you do?
I will stick my neck out here and say to you yes these things did mean something to him, he has got caught up in an affair and when that happens their head is not where it should be.
It is the hardest thing in this world to understand why someone who claims they love you, yet can go behind your back and deceive you!
I think if the both of you are trying to recover from this then you need to communicate more, i can understand why he is saying this, because even though his head was elsewhere in the affair, he did have feelings for you, yes they got lost in amongst this other person and that is why i urge you to communicate better, because whilst i agree we have to move on from the past and not dwell in it, we have also got to learn from it!
Please don't do what many of us do and stay bitter, eventually that will spill into other things and trust me it is a horrible feeling to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your days.
Gina
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