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He wants anal without a condom

Tagged as: Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 May 2009) 13 Answers - (Newest, 24 July 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Me and my boyfriend have recently had anal sex for the first time(with condom). It was great, i felt no pain at all and he enjoyed it alot. We are gonna do it again this weekend, but he wants to do it without a condom and i dont want to. What can i tell him that will make him not want to do it without a condom? I know some diseases you can catch from it, but he says you cant catch anything on the first time, but i know better than that.

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A female reader, YasmineKlenot United States +, writes (24 July 2010):

I am having sex without a condom with my current boyfriend including anal sex. We are both safe and have been together for about a year and therefore I am on the pill.

First, if you two barely know each other and don't know what he has, you two should get tested.

Second, anal sex without a condom is really no big deal if you know how to stay clean and follow all the same rules you would if you had a condom on. There is more risk for him then there is for you; He can get fecal matter on his penis and if he doesn't clean it, it can cause an infection. Now there would be a risk for you if you let him put it in your vag or your mouth after anal sex, so just don't.

The number one rule of anal sex without a condom is to use enemas which can be bought at any pharmacy. I use a anal water syringe as my enema. Enemas are basically a way to rinse the inside of your anal cavity. After this all other rules are the same.

If you are not on the pill, you can still get pregnant. I have done it many times before and not had anything happen, but the risk is there if semen drips out of your anus and ends up in your vag. Having him ejaculate in your anus is no big deal though you might sometimes feel it, but all you have to do is just head over to the toilet afterward.

One more note, if you use a desensitizing or numbing lube, it will also numb his penis too. I never advise anybody to use these lubes frequently, even with condoms on, except maybe as a first timer. If you are numbing the sense of pain in your butt, then you might not be aware of actual damage that may be happening to you. Anal sex is not suppose to be painful.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009):

its always better to have a condom on BUT if you have anal sex without a condom keeping in mind to use tons and tons of lube plus keep your parts clean then there is no problem as such

as long as your sure either of you dont have any STDs go for it

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009):

Im a guy.. ok...i had anal sex today!!!! it was great.. and of course i used a condom!!! idiot who doesnt use one. even though my girl was a virgin.. i know there are still lots of bacteria that can cause problems n all that. dont let him for his own safety.. good luck

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (2 May 2009):

LazyGuy agony aunt"You can't catch anything on the firs time."

Oh well, at least you ain't falling for it. Still, as a male I would be worried. Either I am dating someone with the IQ of a houseplant or someone who thinks I got the IQ of a houseplant by trying that line on me.

But don't worry, that is me just being a male. Perhaps women ain't bothered by this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009):

from experience, it does feel a lot better without.

However, if you or him have had previous sexual parnters (unlike my boyfriend and i), either of you could have something you dont know about. Use a condom to be safe...

and if he pressures you, tell him to go float his boat elsewhere.

Do no let any1 control you. its your body.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Undisclosed, you are SO right! I have thought about doing it without a condom with him, just because its him, but it would be just my luck to catch something. I trust him TOTALLY, hench the fact that we actually tried anal sex. He is really not a bad guy, he is just mis-informed and sometimes plain stupid. Its not that I dont want to do it, its just i am worried about OUR safety. I love him, i really do, but i hate to say this, what he wants he usually gets. Its not like he is forcing me to do it and sometimes I want to do things, but I just feel like i am obligated to make him happy. Yall might say that I need to think about my happiness too and think about what makes me happy sometimes, but seeing him happy is the greatest feeling in the world. Many people have called me stupid for feeling this way, but I cant help it.

Oh and thanks for reading my question and answering it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

. . . and Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett and God knows how many others!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 May 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntCan't catch anything from anal sex? Tell that to Rock Hudson.

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A male reader, ArmyMedic United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2009):

ArmyMedic agony auntSimply say "NO CONDOM, NO SEX" if that doesn't convince him well he can go with out for a while.

NO means NO! and if he does anything when you have said no it's rape. That may make him realise that your wishes should be respected.

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A male reader, the_phoenic United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2009):

darling,both of you make a STD test and if both of you were ok and std free ,have all anal sex that you want with out the condoms,

because as every one knows bareback is more fun,

and i dont think this guy is desrepecting or anything because he didnt force into anything so far,

but i dont know what is going on here in dearcupid every one is blaiming and no one is helping so far

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A female reader, sashana Jamaica +, writes (1 May 2009):

sashana agony auntGirl anal sex is not like vaginal sex,its different,You have to trust and feel comfortable with the person your going to do it with and for you to have all those insecure feelings that you get before you perform for the first time then havin that guy going against your will to have safe sex is just a major RED FLAG!!first of all how dear him say "you cant catch any thing" is this guy ignorant? you can catch infection,you both ar at risk.Dont be stupid be the smarter one stand up for ur self and body,dont let that guy disrespect you,tell that brain of a cell how you really feel because it is a serious matter,if he is not wit yo on that then you dump the loser

He is not worth suffering for and am glad you ask for help it also shows your not easly giving in to.safe sex.

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A male reader, Undisclosed Canada +, writes (1 May 2009):

Undisclosed agony auntHow about eating some very spicy Mexican food? I'd suspect that that would be a pretty effective deterrent but then again I don't understand why he'd want to stick his penis up your bum (and without a condom???) so perhaps this won't trouble him.

Anyways you both enjoyed your first time. Good for you. You're obviously very close and you trust him very much. If it didn't hurt, you must have taken the some precautions and exercised a good amount of care.

As I'm sure you know, the skin in the anal cavity is thinner and more prone to tearing than the tissue in the vagina. This not only damages your rectum but increases the chance of transmitting an STI which is why condoms are strongly encouraged. Also, the bacteria that lives in the rectum can cause both of you problems if it ends up near your genitals from any fingers or penis that have entered your anus. While it's important to clean his members before touching any other parts of your body, cleaning your anus beforehand could cause irritation or ulceration. I'm glad that you're keeping all this in mind as you prepare for your next time together.

It sounds like you're interested in doing this with him but are worried about doing it without a condom. You have every reason to want safe sex and there are two problems here.

1) First, the fact that he told you that "you can't catch anything the first time". He is either blatantly lying to you for his selfish desires or stupid/ignorant to the point where he certainly shouldn't be USING your body for anything as delicate as anal sex.

2) Second, you want to change his mind so he doesn't want to. If there was any doubt that you are overly preoccupied with pleasing him, anal sex and this kind of thinking dispelled it. You've completely forgotten about yourself. I repeat, you've completely forgotten about yourself! You're not even in the picture!! You had anal sex, not for your mutual pleasure but his. Your thinking about the next time is all happening with his interests in mind (how can I make him not want). Where are you in all this?

It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting to please the other person early on and casting your interests aside. Relationships can do that to you but it's dangerous. Recognize that it is your body and NOTHING is happening if you don't want it to. Absolutely nothing. A desire to please him shouldn't affect this at all. Your future self will thank you.

The three wise ladies below me have made it VERY clear what a HUGE red flag this flares up for them. I suggest you be firm with him on the weekend "No glove, no love" and start thinking more about yourself. Wearing a condom is a ridiculously small concession on his part for the largely one-sided pleasure anal sex brings.

He's walking on eggshells and if he ever dreams of pulling any other ?#@#$@ lines like "you can't get anything from it the first time", dump him on the spot. I'm really not impressed so far.

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

I'm not sure how you can change his mind about WANTING to do without one, but that doesn't matter. He needs your consent to do anything without it being rape. so if you don't want to do it without one, then that's the end of the story. Him telling you something as stupid as "you can't get anything from it the first time" is immature and disrespectful and dishonest. He's not putting anything in you unless you want him to.

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