A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been in love with a man for 2 years who is married. He loves me very much, wants to marry me, and plans to move out of home. I believe him - don't think it's just another married man has an affair episode. He sleeps separately from his wife and they discuss their separate futures quite often. I've even met his parents! My problem is, I've now waited for almost 2 years, and he has not given me a time frame for when he will be with me. He is Catholic and feels guilty, and wants to provide for his wife and three (adult) children, which I respect. But I can't get him to talk about it with me, or do any planning - he seems to want to avoid talking about it. He often breaks his word (says he'll do something and then doesn't do it). I love him, but am feeling increasingly frustrated and keep over-reacting to situations. What can I or should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank God, Anonymous Reader in same boat as my lover - thank you for some positive spin! I was ready to throw myself into the nearest dustbin today, until I read your post... just shows there might be some truth to it all. Thank you!
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (20 July 2008):
 He sounds like a good Catholic!!!! Not!!!Cathlics are suppost to be against adultery, or does his Catholicism only comes out on special occasions like Christmas and Easter? If he tells you that he is not sleeping with the missus, I bet your bottom dollar that he is. Married men like him who uses this line to all of their mistresses. Its the oldest trick in the book, to get women like yourself HOODWINKED. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting around for a guy like him?Who's to say he won't do the same to you? No love, this guy has got it well and truly sorted, he know when his bread is buttered.I can't believe you have wasted all your precious time on this jerk. Kick his ass to the kerb hun. and try and win back some self respect too.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 A divorce doesn't take 2 years. Time to take of the blinders.
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Your'e welcome. And do not be too hard on yourself. No one seemed to judge you here hun...life just happens sometimes. We have, most of us been in your shoes or pretty similar shoes. Good luck and keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell a warm thank you to all who've responded so far - hard to hear but I guess I asked for it! So hard to end it with someone you love and who (I still believe) loves me, but really can't wait forever! Keep thinking of the saying "true love is hard to find" but maybe it's out there! Thanks again1
xx
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 I know you want to hear all the "good" stuff, a good possible out come - and there could be, but quite frankly, if he hasn't left, then I feel there is more to it then what he is telling you and he has kept you still hanging on for his reasons and the "one day" that will never happen. Separate bedrooms or not, and like stated already below....trust me, they are having sex whether you want to believe it or not. He may be having difficulties at home, he may not be getting what he desires emotionally or physically...but you came along, and you have been giving him what he needs...for now. More then likely, without your awareness, he is working out what ever the "issues" are at home to keep his family together. Divorce is not easy, however, some like myself can and will conquer it if it was not meant to be for what ever the reason. Mine was due to his alcoholism and affairs. It's easier to say I can have a better life without all this mess, yet for him, he has a family that he is thinking about grown or not, his financial situation which could be a mess and see's this as you know....it's not worth it yet, deals with his current situation by working it out, however that may be for him. You...you have been thinking of him and your future with him...but I seriously do not think he really is thinking of a future with you, he just wants you to believe it. If a man, truly loves, desires to be with you...he would be with you. Since he is not, this only leads me to believe that he is stringing you on. He may not "mean" to, then again he may, but bottom line is...he is. Your choice to stay in it....but don't think that if you do, he will eventually "come around"...he married her, had children with her, and is still in the marriage. And the parents thing...he probably did that to "make" you feel even stronger about this affair...your one day together belief.
In this day and time, affairs seem to happen more and more often. Instead of the couple dealing with a situation before the affair takes place, it happens first...then the couple decides to work it out. However, even so, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't due to deep hurt wounds and feelings, resentment, out loud bursts of past hurt...you name it. You can't make or decide what is to happen in their marriage. Only they can....and personally, I think he just did. He just doesn't want to tell you the REAL TRUTH.
Truth hurts...anyone of us. I am not here to judge, just let you know facts. Better to leave him, and if he finds you in due time....you'll know. But more so, someone who can devote true love, true happiness and true honesty to you...and not be tied in marriage.
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reader, xxkissxx +, writes (20 July 2008):
i thought you might have spoken to him, you dont sound like a nag bag, especially as you only want answers and its your life as well as his, you cant wait forever for him, and that really needs to sink in to him as you have commited to him i know he has commited to you by you meeting his parents but he needs to commit further by leaving his wife and moving near or with you, its a hard situation to be in but really do hope it works out for you x
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reader, bemused +, writes (20 July 2008):
Hmmm....he says he sleeps separately from his wife. That is, you know a line used my many married people in affairs as is the 'separate lives' thing. You mention he is Catholic and has kids. I must be candid...this does not look real rosy to me.
Small wonder you are getting frustrated and overeacting. Pretty standard in such as stressful and frustrating situation. I would pull your guns in if I were you and STOP making this man the centre of your universe. He has a whole other life that he cannot just make disappear for you.
If you have met his parents that would be a sign that he genuinely loves you. However, on one side is you waiting with expectations and the other is a mortgage, kids, wife and maybe even a family pet:-)
I guess I wonder why you have settled for this perilous situation for as long as you have. This man comes with baggage and complications. Did it ever occur to you that there could be someone single and available where all this drama would not even come into play. You could have a man of your own and know happiness.
I would desist from putting pressure on him right now and focus on other channels of your life. Maybe even date a bit. He has someone...no reason why you cannot see other people.
This could go one way or the other. He could come your way. He might not. I would seriously anticipate the possibility that it might not work out for you. That will cause a lot of pain but you are already in pain with this demeaning( for you) situation. If he does move towards you...all well and good but I would not want the image of the little woman waiting in the wings to be the image I present to him..or the world.
Good luck hun
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks xxkissxx - I have had many of these conversations with him, actually - and just can't seem to get a straight answer. Starting to feel like an old nag bag!
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female
reader, xxkissxx +, writes (20 July 2008):
i see what you are saying but you need to stress to him that if he left his wife and children he can still provide for his children and give his wife money to help with their childrens upbringing, i know it is hard to wait for someone especially that yu have been together for 2 years and he still hasnt made a commitment to you by leaving his wife, you need to sit down and talk to your fella and explain to him that you cant wait forever and if he truly feels for you that he will leave his wife, it is clear that him and his wife are not together any more and they have both parted on good terms but the big question is why hasnt he left her yet, just say that you want to start your own family and that you want to look in to the future but cant do so as you are still living with your wife, sorry to hear about the situation hope you can work it out x
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