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female
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*ariaJ
writes: I am involved with a man who is widowed. It will be a year 12/30/2006 that she passed away of cancer. He waited 6 months before dating and did so online. The first girl he only went out with a couple of weeks. We have now been together 3 months. We are not "in love", but we care very much for each other and want to stay together and see if love develops. He told me when we met that he was fine and seemed to be so. He took a trip to Hawaii shortly after we met to attend and participate in a friend's wedding. He took his wife's ashes with him and spread them in the ocean. Although he says he is fine, it seems he started getting moody right around the 1st of Novemeber this year. We will have a wonderful weekend together and then when we part for the week, he'll say I'll call you later and not for a day or so. He seems to be getting more moody as we approach the 1 year anniversary of his wife's death. I care for him very deeply, but I want to understand his feelings so I can be more understanding and supportive. I don't want to be pushy and loose him. They did not have children, but were married 5 years. He chose to spend Thanksgiving with her mother and step father and I was very understanding. I need some advice....can you help me?
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 im very sorry about what u are going thru given the circumstances. after a death of a spouse naturally it become impossible to mourn them u dont know if it is enough to move on or forget, this guy gave himself 6mths which according to him he thought he will be fine maybe he is but my feeling is that he is still emotionally unavailable to you, unfortunately u have so much to offer but dont despair just be there for him and dont nag he will come around as u say now that he is approaching the first anniversary its probably what is making him moody unfortunately u are only human and cant read his mind, try and make him comfortable as much as u can so that maybe he will open up and trust u enough to share this with u, but make no mistake dont understand too much and forget u are also a woman who need to be cared for, whether or not our significant others are going thru a rough time or not we do need that reassurance that we mean something to them and i believe this something u are dying to know, its painful not knowing how he is feeling while all u want to do is to hold him silently as the day passby. u can also try to find out the things he likes but dont suggest doing things he used to do it with her otherwise this might become emotionally overbearing for both of u and he might subconsiously take u as his wife's substitute and all u wanted was to help him heal. good luck
A
female
reader, accused  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 You said that they were married for 5yrs. Honestly I can't say that (6 months) is long eoungh to be FINE with a (5yr) marriage that would still be together if death had not changed everybodys plans! I do however feel that you should maintaine a close "FRIENDSHIP" with this man and just let him know that you are here for him should he ever need to talk abou it. In the meantime ask him questions about their time together, let me get comfortable to talk to you about it.. memories, fights, or anything he is willing to share with you about their time together. You have to understand that this man is probally broke down on the inside. I see that he spent Thanksgiving with her family and you were understanding. GOOD FOR YOU! Actually thats what he needs right now, and him spending Thanksgiving with her family was probally an attempt to remain close to her in some way. If he says that he will call you and doesn't for a day or two, Do you call him? or do you just wait for him to call you? If so then maybe you should try calling him and if he seems moody when you call then just nicely say that you were thinking about him, even if he does not sound interested at the time you call then just let it go and wait for your return call.. You have to keep in mind that he is still hurting, and you can't be jealous about his late wife, remember the circumstances! GOOD LUCK!
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