A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for the past 3 months. We're both in our late twenties, he was very into me initially and then we agreed to be exclusive to each other after we started becoming intimate. We've had a lot of problems as I had caught him twice sending flirty/sexual sms to other women. He asked me to forgive him and I did since we were just in the beginning of our relationship. Now I've been abroad for the last 6 days (visiting my family) and i've only received one sms from him (to which I replied). I didnt bother sending him anything as I want to see if he really misses me since I think I'm putting more effort into the relationship. I've tried chatting twice with him on skype this week but he responded 'sorry i hope ure well, i'm busy at work , chat soon'. He's now on holiday with his friends (boys and girls) for a few days so I'm sure that chatting with him (skype) is out of the question.Before I left, we had a little talk where I asked him how he feels about me and he told me that he likes spending time with me and enjoys my company but is not "100% committed" to me as he's not sure what he wants.I now feel very angry at his behaviour. I've been away for a week and he hasn't bothered to text to see how i'm doing. I feel that he doesn't really care and that he's having fun with his friends while I'm here missing him and thinking about him. I know I should break up with him but part of me is in love with the guy. I met this guy after moving to a new country (4 months ago) and I hardly know any people to hang out with except him. Shall I write him a goodbye letter and never speak to him again? Take it easy and see how it goes with him (maybe that will bring him to his senses like my best friend suggested)? or what? I'm lost!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I'm the poster of the question. Thanks for all your replies, it helps to put things in perspective. I do realise that I need to go out and make new friends, he also highlighted this fact. He told me that I should get a hobby and meet new people , and not hang out with him all the time. I know that I should do this as it's not healthy to be with him all the time but it's taking me some time to get adjusted and settled in a new country, new job, and new lifestyle. Also, it's my first time living on my own (I used to live with my parents back home)so I'm still getting used to being independent.
I'm very much into the guy but I don't think he feels the same way, so seems I've got two options: either to stop taking him seriously and not see him often or else just break up. I think the second choice would be best.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I get that in the dating phase it is best to not expect too much or be clingy. But around the first-fourth month at least, if not longer, a couple are typically head over heels in love, and can't get enough of each other. I have a feeling this woman wants a relationship with genuine feelings involved, while this guy just seems to be along for the ride as long as it isn't bothering him. He doesn't sound like he is in love at all, especially when he expresses that he enjoys spending time with her...? But he hasn't said he's in love? He was into her initially, but it has faded? I just don't think this guy is that into her, frankly. She wants a man who actually cares and is in love, and this guy is a tad too distant.
So, maybe he actually is in love and then is a type of man who can't express himself? Is that the type of man you want to be with?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 September 2010):
Wait until he gets home and then break up with him in person. Its just been 3 months. If you don't feel that things are ok now, then they probably never will be. He's clearly not that into you and you seek a relationship with someone who is fully committed and ready to show you so. In other words, he's not the man you are looking for.
Since you are new in the country though I suggest you hold off dating until you have established a better network of friends. You don't want the only people you know in a new country to be ex'es.
But, break it up with this guy before you fall even deeper for him and he breaks your heart with flirting with others and flaunting that he's just not that into you.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I would think if hes not at least thinking about comitting to your relationship by 3 months then there is something wrong.
You could be waiting a long time here for something that will never happen.
If your getting on well with him in other ways but he cant commit then maybe he is just seeing you as a friend.
Find someone who appreciates you more. I wouldnt write a letter just tell him how your feeling and move on.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Bibeauty  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Wow honey,
If there was a nickel for every time I've heard this story before.. The best advice I've ever heard in my opinion, is "the best revenge is living well." It's quite easy to latch on to this guy especially if you're feelings are getting serious AND you're new to the country. I'm impressed you haven't harassed him already! It's very easy to slip into dependency in your situation. This is the WORST possible condition to be in with a man who has told you flat-out that he does not know what he wants and is not 100 percent committed to you.
So what do you do? Ease off the dependency. Try your best to meet new people, make new friends, try and keep busy. Chances are, you may not feel as much pain when you don't hear from him, he may actually realize that you're not trying to contact him as much, AND! if he notices that despite u being new to the country you're super popular and having fun without him, he'll probably find you even more desirable!
So let's see that's win win win and WIN. I'm not guaranteeing his actions cause that would just be silly of me to do. But! I will say this, it will help you keep you're mind off a man who is not showing you he's worthy of your efforts yet. And, some new friends won't hurt either!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 September 2010):
I absolutely think you should write him a goodbye letter (nothing nasty! Just a goodbye letter - as you don't want him putting it on the net or mocking you).
This guy was initially texting other women, then asked for forgiveness and since then has basically been stringing you along. I know it's only 3 months, and that is soon to be making decisions about what you want from the relationship. But this guy doesn't seem to really care about you at all. I think you can afford to let this one go so you can find someone else.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I think you should leave him. He just isn't ready to be in a relationship. I'm afraid giving him more time would just hurt you even more.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Well if a guy isn't 100% committed at the start of a reletionship, it's only going to get worse,
Would you rather live in a reletionship where your not happy?
Or move on and find a guy who well treat you 100 times better?
He could be busy at work, or out with friends, but it doesnt take two minutes to send a text saying 'I love you'
There's always other people out there, and it won't always be right first time.
I personally think you should talk to him, asking him how he feels, then tell him how you feel, and come to an agreement throught that.
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