A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for just about eight years now, and until recently have been very happy. After a few months of feeling like he didnt want me around him, I asked if he was mad and had i done anything to upset him. He told me he cant feel any sort of emotion toward me or anything else. He used to work as a bouncer at a club, for about a year, and had to shut of his sexual feelings and so forth to deal with the dancers. In doing so, he put up walls inabling him to feel anything with with me. I can understand this, to a point. He seems happy with his friends, in particularly one: A women who we have known for a long time now. The women is married and is more of a mother figure to him. I guess im a little irritated that he can be happy around her but not me? Im trying not to take this as though he hates me or wants nothing to do with me, but the idea is still ingrained in my mind,especially when he says that hugging and kissing me means nothing anymore. saying that i think its pretty clear that we havnt been intimate in quite a long time. He says he still loves me, and that he does NOT want to break up. I dont either ofcourse, but i just dont know how to sit here and love a man that cant feel anything toward me. Weve tried talking but he dosnt know how to fix it or how to really explain it.I think its made things worse. Since we have bothe recently graduated college, we decided to live apart for a while but stay together in hopes it may help. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder type of thing. Can anyone give me any advice?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 I was trying to sound belittling, certainly not towards you OP. I think you are just what you said you were, emotional right now and upset. Your boyfriend recently told you something no woman wants to hear, and it is breaking your heart. You want to find ways to make it ok, because the truth, that he's not interested in you any longer, is hurtful. You are looking for a fix.
But the honest truth is that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the way he feels. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him either. He needs to help himself, and unless he sees what he's doing (shutting off sexually and emotionally) as a problem then he will not help himself.
And then again, the likelihood is just so much higher that he simply has gotten over you. That he feels done with the relationship, but instead of telling you right out how it is he comes up with excuses, because he is afraid to take the final step and end the relationship. And often people do not want to admit certain things to themselves, or they do not see things clearly when they are in the middle of it.
Your relationship sounds completely one sided. You are the one who still loves him. You are the one who is working on the relationship. You are the one who wants to help him. It's all going in one direction. What is he doing? What is he doing to help himself, what is he doing to help the relationship? Has he told you any dreams and hopes he has of a future with you?
The truth is hard to face, but I sincerely believe that we are right in this: he's not in love with you any longer. He's not emotionally attached to you, he has moved on in his heart.
Maybe he'll fall in love with you again with time. But maybe you and him holding on despite the relationship being over will just kill the last fond feelings you have for each other. You will be frustrated with him, wanting him to show you love and affection that he will not, and he will grow even more tired of the relationship. If you and him end it now you have a chance to salvage at least a friendship. And that will allow you to stay in touch. Then maybe, like I said, in time you might find your way back together. But if you stick to it you will eventually drain this relationship dry, because he's checked out, and you can't carry on a relationship on your own. A one sided relationship will not work. It'll just drain you and make you bitter and resentful. I know, because I've been in those shoes. You'll always be seeking more than he is willing to give.
I think you are afraid to leave because you do not think he will fight to keep you. Am I right? If you leave now you know that'll be the end of it, and you just aren't ready to face that. But think about what kind of man you want in a relationship... you should have a man who WILL fight for you and who wants to be with you out of his love and care for you. And not half heartedly.
Can he really fulfill the boyfriend role as he is right now? The platonic love that he has for you, you can find that in any family member of yours. Does that truly qualify to be a boyfriend? He can not give you the emotional connection, be physical with you, have a real relationship. You'll not be happy with things as they are. It doesn't matter if you love him with all your heart, and are willing to do everything and all for him, because one sided relationships do not work. And you deserve more than that.
There are other men out there. And who knows, if you and him separate he will get the time he needs to heal on his own, because I think ultimately he can not be "on his own" to heal as long as he's formally with you. You can agree to not engage with other people for this and that long, or to always tell each other if you meet someone else. And then if you and him do not meet someone else, maybe you can be together again, when the time is right.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 Wow, guys are getting more and more sophisticated in bullshitting people nowadays. Once it used to be " it's not you, it's me ", it got stale and they are getting more creative.
" He had to shut down his sexual feelings ... " as if sexual feelings were indiscriminate and indifferentiate- you shut them down in an area where they are inappropriate, and you become numb and impotent with everybody else.
By this token, no gynecologist could ever marry. Or fashion potographer ( yes, a few are straight :). Ot tailor. Or masseur. Or female sport team coach.Or or or.
One has to behave at work, and keep his inner ape in check- and then he can't switch it back in a socially/emotionally appropriate context? It holds no water. Unless he is severely disturbed , and I mean severely.
Chances are, he's just stringing you along. He has just lost interest, and is reluctant to let you go. For reason that go from not wanting to hurt you, to habit and convenience , to cowardice etc.etc. But,whatever the reason, you are very, very probably being fed a line, and surely not seeing your sexual / emotional needs met, so... you know what you should do.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 October 2011):
 After 8 years he told you he feels nothing towards you. Translation: he is no longer in love with you. With that in mind, his sexual desire towards you dwindles also (especially if he has been with you for 8 years). Of course he loves you in some way. It's difficult to not love a person after sharing so many years together - but he is not IN LOVE with you anymore. I bet when you first dated, he didn't "shut down" sexually, did he? You need to stop making excuses for him. He's not having sex with you, or feeling anything towards you because he has checked out of the relationship. Accept it and move on instead of thinking there are "deeper" reasons to make your situation seem less severe. You claim you're happy with him in your defensive response to chigirl, but who are you kidding? Who can be happy with a partner that doesn't want them anymore? You need to stop kidding yourself and deal with this situation direct on. Do you want to be with a man who is no longer in love with you? If you do, prepare yourself for more negative emotions and re-occurring thoughts you're having now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm sorry. Im trying to come to grips with that conclusion. I never expected anyone to say " everything will be fine just keep trying." It just sounded like she was belittling both of us. so i got defensive. Im very emotional right now. I just cant watch him fall in to this depression. I know if i leave I'll be another part of it. Like i said its not just with me its with everything in his life. Im not trying to fight or anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): She is in no way insulting him. She is being real with you. As someone with a psychology degree, I agree entirely with what she says. ALso, as someone who was born and raised in Las Vegas NV who knew many bouncers from all kinds of places, I have NEVER heard of a single of them behaving that way or doing that. Not even from strip clubs. His behavior is in no way healthy or normal.We are not here to baby you and coddle you and validate you and your boyfriend. We are here to tell it like it is (as we see it). What I see is that you can either stay with him and have both of you unhappy or get out of an unhappy doomed relationship. There is no fixing this. He is confusing love with comfort. He is comfortable with you. How does having no attraction or feelings for you sound like love? Its time to be realistic. Its beyond fixing. Hes already over you and hes still with you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnless you have a degree in psychology,I dont think its fair to make the assumption that shutting down sexually is impossible, or If it is than hes an asshole and dosnt lumps sex and emotions together. for one he didnt leave his job or we would have been out on the streets. He has had both sexual and physical abuse as a child, so hes been psychologically unstable for a long time. I dont appreciate you insulting him. I asked if there was a way to help HIM, not depress him further. It isnt just me hes having an issue with its everything around him, there are a few things that will take is mind off of things. I do happen to be happy with him , im just worried about him and cant sit around and watch his mind rot. Maybe i should have rephrased alot of things so i do take fault in your comment, but that was just rude.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnless you have a degree in psychology,I dont think its fair to make the assumption that shutting down sexually is impossible, or If it is than hes an asshole and dosnt lumps sex and emotions together. for one he didnt leave his job or we would have been out on the streets. He has had both sexual and physical abuse as a child, so hes been psychologically unstable for a long time. I dont appreciate you insulting him. I asked if there was a way to help HIM, not depress him further. It isnt just me hes having an issue with its everything around him, there are a few things that will take is mind off of things. I do happen to be happy with him , im just worried about him and cant sit around and watch his mind rot. Maybe i should have rephrased alot of things so i do take fault in your comment, but that was just rude.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 October 2011):
"had to shut of his sexual feelings and so forth to deal with the dancers" Was he working at a strip club? In either case, this doesn't make sense to me. A man is hardly an instinct driven cave man unable to separate dancers from his girlfriend in terms of sexual desire. Or then again, maybe he is one of those persons who do not see sex and emotions as something combined.
You see, I know that a person who is in love, and who believed that sex is a special act between those who love each other, will not find any difficulty being around completely naked strangers. No matter how attractive. Because a person who thinks sex is something combined with feelings will not want sex from a person he has no feelings for... See what I mean? So therefor this entire thing about keeping his sexual urges back sounds like a poor excuse for something else that has been going on. Like him just not fancying you in that way any longer.
And even if it actually is true, that he started to build up walls to not be sexually stimulated (didn't know that was possible unless you've experienced some trauma, but lets say it is) then shouldn't he have left that job as it was ruining your relationship? Again, what was more important to him was his work, not you.
Why do you not want to break up? The man is indifferent towards you. Ask him if he'd cry if you died. Because if he truly does not feel much then he'd not care much if you were forever gone either. Or take a different turn on it and announce, out of the blue, that you have decided to move to another country/city far away. Check his reaction. Unfortunately I do not think he'll react with any form of passion.
The passion is dead and gone it appears. It happens. The love has died, for various reasons probably. Maybe because he build up some walls to not feel sexual stimulation, that'd be a sure way to kill a relationship I would think. That would be about the same as ignoring your partner and neglecting the relationship, thinking that love will still be there when you return. But then again, it's been 8 years. You have both grown up in these years. You are at a new stage in life, you might just not be what you need any more. And maybe both of you need some time apart. Some things just have their time, and when the time is up you got to move on.
As far as I can see the only reason you and him are still together is because you have been together for so long you do not know how to live on your own. And that's not really a reason to stay together. So, sooner or later, and most definitely within 6 months I should believe, you and him will part ways. Anything else would be like holding on to a dead animal, and it'll start to reek pretty soon.
Sorry. I do not see how anything can help you now. The best shot you and him have at being together forever and ever is if you break up now, don't talk for a year, randomly meet each other again and fall in love all over.
Let me ask you the final question: are you happy? No? Then leave. If he's the one who's not feeling anything towards you any more you can't do anything about it, unfortunately. You can't change the way a person feels, or make them feel what they don't.
He's not leaving you, he already left. Emotionally he's not with you. Which I think is a lot more important than him being there physically, like an empty shell.
Take time apart, see other people, meet in a year and see if things have changed.
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