A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year, we plan to have a future together, have even spoken about marriage and kids, but kids would be at least 10 years away. (I know sometimes relatioships don't work out, but we do have a good connection and strong relationship). We only very recently last week gave each other our virginities. I'm on the pill and we plan to also use condoms.Past week and a bit I've been feeling really uneasy in the stomach, stomach pains, loss of appetite, but this happened all before we had sex for the first time. I am really paranoid about getting pregnant though, and when driving him home last night I told him I was paranoid I could be pregnant.He got angry for me even suggesting that, and I don't remember how we even got to the next point, but he said if I was to get pregnant in the near future and I did not get an abortion he would leave me. I was shocked and it hurt hearing the words that he'd actually leave me.I told him he was being selfish saying that and argued if I wanted to keep it he couldn't just leave me like that, it wasn't fair on the child or me, because it would be a problem that we created together. In the argument I was argueing about keeping the child if it did happen, but honest to god I would want an abortion if it happened and I was not ready, I've done a lot of research on abortions through highschool and uni and I feel okay with it. So argueing it on thoughts that were different to how I really feel was stupid, but I wanted to hear his opinion.I just can't get my head around his thoughts on it though. He said that because we both agree to use two forms of contraception we are agreeing we both do not wish to have a child, and if I were to fall pregnant, we should agree on an abortion as we agreed on the contraception and he should not have to raise a child when he would not be ready for it.Which I see is fair enough, we are agreeing not to have a child, and I know if it were to happen in our midtwenties his thoughts would be more mature and optimistic about it. He's only 18, and a child is definitely not what either of us want, we both really want to have our own lives together for the next ten years and then have children. Another reason why I love him so much, we both want the same life.So should I be worried about his comments on this? When we reached his house I pointed out I wasn't going to keep a child as long as neither of us were ready, it's a HUGE thing to happen and I value his opinion on it as much as mine. If he wasn't ready for a kid and the worst happened and I did fall pregnant, then I don't want to keep it. Only way I want to raise a child is by having a father who is ready to be one. My thoughts are very strong on that as my father walked out on us when I was 3 and he's never been apart of my life since.I told him that what he said really scared me about leaving me, I need security that he is going to support me, and he said he always will support me and will never leave me as long as I am still me, but if I choose to have a child he is not ready for, it's not fair on him to be expected to be one. BUT I think if you're going to be mature enough to have sex, you need to be mature enough to deal with the outcome, he's still very young, and I know he'll grow up in a few years about things like this, but meh, my mums told me I can't expect too much maturity from him now.He finally told me before getting out of the car that I really scared him worrying that I was pregnant, and I could see it all over his face and hear it in his voice, he was scared shitless of the idea of me fallig pregnant, and why wouldn't he be, he has so much ambition in life and kids aren't in the picture for a long time, I just think he was a little too harsh but I see his viewpoints, he always just gets a bit too pushy and harsh with his oppinions when he gets worked up.I also asked him if he was more adament and scared about not wanting a child because we are sexually active now, and he said no. But I think that may have something to do with it.So advice please? Should I just not worry about this? And yes I know it's stupid for us to even think about it, but as I just lost my virginity, pregnancy is scaring me quite a bit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): From a 19 year old female: I think there are two seperate issues here. What he said and how he said it. Yes he was sensible to say how he felt about being a parent, and what he'd expect of you if the situation were to arise. But he was also a bit of a git for saying it in such a hurtful way. Maybe you should readdress the situation. Let him know that you feel the same, in that if you did become pregnant you'd want an abortion (there's no point causing him more anxiety than is neccessary!) but make it very clear that the way he talked to you was very hurtful, and (I'd imagine) made you feel less secure in the relationship (That's how I'd feel if my boyfriend came out with that!). If this is a relationship that you want to continue you need to be able to have a difference in opinions with out it being made personal...well, as far as that's possible. It's very well him being able to say how he feels about something, but him assuming you should feel the same way is completely unfair. I hope this helps :)
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (23 October 2011):
Well, as you have said you are both young with lots to learn. At a biological level the reason we want sex is so we get pregnant and the species continues. Today, if you are sensible an unwanted pregnancy is completely avoidable. However you both should be aware that if you are not careful then pregnancy is very likely. Probably still worse than unwanted pregnancies is the risk of disease and emotional damage that also needs to be considered. It is right that you discuss everything with your bf without freaking each other out. The problem is that any discussion you have is totally hypothetical. Often you kind of argue just to test all points of view. The basic fact is that as a woman it is your body, his sperm, and you are both responsible for what you do. The other fact is that whatever you decide now you may well feel completely different when you are pregnant, as you probably will discover one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Chigirl - thanks for giving me an example of a situation similar to somehow my boyfriend and I came up with. I'm still waiting to get to sit down and talk to him, should get to in the next day or two. When he gets worked up, he really does say things in the moment, or says them in the wrong way. Like in the conversation about it towards the end when we made up I guess, I asked if he would even support me through me falling pregnant, and he said of course he would but that he would not want to continue his relationship with me if I decided to choose to keep the baby after we've both made our decisions to use contraception.Which I've thought about it a lot and I really do see where he's coming from. I did not like the threat though, that's not like him at all, but I could see how much the thought of me potentially being pregnant scared him, so when I sit down with him and talk about it, I will tell him I'm not putting up with threats, if I fell pregnant, it would be as much as his problem as mine, and I need to know that he would work out the decision on what to do then. If he wasn't ready to be a father at the point in life that this happened - then I would not force him to. I think he does have the right like anon male said, but I also understand the female stance on it about how it's our bodies.I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens in the future. Thanks agains guys, so much!
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 "A woman's promise to her partner that she would have an abortion should be legally non-negotiable after the fact. This would not "oppress" women. It would just put women into more like the same position than men are in."
If you don't see the problem with legally forcing women to undergo painful emotionally tolling invasive surgical procedures in order to give men better sexual access to their bodies and why that is oppressive in a free country then I see no point in even trying to reason with you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 On a side note, who pays for contraception? You or him, or do you split the bill?
If he was scared, ok, as long as it stays a one time thing and he takes back the threat. That sort of threat is really what makes a man a low-life. If your family finds out he said this he will be looked down upon. I know, because my cousin got pregnant some years ago and her then boyfriend gave her the same threat, either she gets an abortion or he leaves her.
The threat leaves little choice for the woman, really. Because who would be willing to stay in a relationship where they are threatened to do what one partner tells them to? It's a deal-breaker. Even if she had the abortion she couldn't have possibly stayed with the man afterwards, could she, if threatened into it? That's called emotional abuse.. and it's a deal-breaker.
My cousin kept her child and the father was out of the picture, no one in my family wanted him near her anyways and though it was good riddance. All he did was pay child support, but now the child is being adopted by my cousins new man, whom she has a second child with.
We all agree that the first man was a loser. He is despicable. This of course colours how I see your boyfriend now. He's just as much of a loser unless he takes back those words.
How about you turn the tables and say "If I don't get to have a say in it then I will leave you". Because that's more than a fair wish, and a very likely outcome should he not allow you to have a say in it.
I'm hoping for his sake that this was a thing said in the moment of passion and not something he sincerely means.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): @ person12345:
Men did not lose rights from the feminist movement because women gained them. Neither gender had the rights before and now one gender does. And men did not always "just leave it up to women to deal with it." Condom usage was widespread (not as much as today, but still pretty widespread) long before the pill was invented.
A male birth control pill would not fix this problem any more than the female birth control pill fixes it. No form of protection is 100% and in the real world the failure rate is higher than in studies. If men are to have the same sexual rights that women have enjoyed since legalized abortion, then they are reliant upon women to follow through on verbal promises to abort any accidental pregnancies.
Vasectomies for men are fine - as long as you are done having kids. They are not always very reversible and in fact can frequently cause sterilization even once the tubes are "untied" later. Believe it or not, some men actually want put off having kids and still want to have sex when they are younger. Just like the right that women were fighting for when they legalized abortion.
There is no way around my point. If there was, I would have personally had a lot more casual sex in my life. But I do not want to become a parent yet and I cannot trust women I barely know to be honest with me. Any woman I sleep with could potentially make me a parent against my will if she chose to. It's not right but there is nothing a man like me can do. Most people these days are so set in their thinking that men have all the power, that they won't even entertain the notion that men might deserve more sexual rights in any way. No matter how logically obvious it is.
A woman's promise to her partner that she would have an abortion should be legally non-negotiable after the fact. This would not "oppress" women. It would just put women into more like the same position than men are in. Both sides should have the right to choose. They both must discuss it and make the choice before they have sex. It sucks but men will have to wait at least another generation before they can have the same sexual & parental rights that women enjoy.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 October 2011):
@male anon: First off, it's different to discuss/find out for sure that a woman would get an abortion than to threaten her into it. He is also free to explain why he wants her to get an abortion or not, to offer whatever opinion if she does get pregnant. However, ultimately she gets to decide what to do. Once the sperm leave the man's body and enter the woman's, he no longer gets a say in what happens to them.If a man is concerned that she won't have an abortion/won't keep her word if she gets pregnant then he has the choice to not have sex or get a vasectomy. If one of his sperm somehow manages to accidentally find its way to her egg it doesn't give him the right to control her body. Like I said, if a guy doesn't like that, then he is free to not have sex or get a vasectomy.It sucks that there isn't better birth control for men right now, but it's only recently that most men even say they'd be willing to deal with the responsibility for contraception as it was always thought to be largely her problem. Drug companies have the technology for a male birth control pill, but they've always been under the impression that men won't take it so it's all still in early testing. So if you dislike the options, put more pressure on drug companies to release a male pill and abstain until then.Also you seem to be under the impression that men lost rights when women gained to right to choose an abortion, which is perplexing to me. Beforehand, if there was an unplanned pregnancy there was no other option than to have it. Then women were given the right to choose and there was another option. So women gained a very important right that was crucial to women's liberation. Men did not lose any rights when this happened.The fact that you are scared she won't get an abortion does not give you the right to control her body or attempt to control it. You always have the option to not have sex in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I don't know which way to go about this, because three of you have provided one answer, and Nime is on the otherside. Nime - you are right, he is mature about being so aware of the consequences of a child. Which unlike a lot of 18 year old guys, they just don't think or realise the consequences of what could happen. But he was very immature with his spoken actions about this. And thankyou for the advice about the body symptoms, I know I couldn't be pregnant, and will definitely continue to use condoms along with the pill.Chigirl - thankyou very much for your detailed answer and opinion, we have actually discussed what would happen if I was pregnant before in the past and he told me he would help me through it no matter what the solution was, it was much more of mature conversation in the past but we never really discussed what the solution would be - like you said, he should be asking not demanding, and in every other argument/conversation we've had, it's been give and take, and come to a solution together. We discuss it, this is the first time he's threaten me or demanded something like that. It was very odd. Which is why I was so shocked. But when he told me I scared him, I could really tell that I did. So I don't know why he was like that, he got worked up, I plan to sit him down and talk about it in a mature manner, tell him he can't have a future with me if he's going to threaten me like that, it's not like him to be so cold and harsh, he normally treats me like a princess, so hmn. Person1235 - I did mention his age, he's 18 - but guys maturity at this age sure seems to be about 10 when they feel like it! I've had some really good talks with my mum about him, she thinks he's great and that we're really good for each other (and my mum has always had the harshest opinions on anyone her children have been with) but she says the only downside is that he is still very young. Which so am I, I can act like a immature foolish girl with him when I get worked up too, but ah this really let me down. And I'm not going to put up with threats. But thankyou for your advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): I'm personally pro-life and thus against abortions unless there is of course a medical reasoning which means abortion is the only way, or in the case of rape or incest. So I urge people to please not have sex if you would even consider aborting a life that in some way happened "by mistake". In my opinion if you're emotionally ready for sex then you should also be emotionally ready for the consequences be there any. Having said that you are being extremely safe and there is practically NO chance what so ever of you falling pregnant providing you take your pill every day at the same time and always use condoms, without fail. If you continue to worry then I would agree with other person and say stop having sex for the time being until you feel more ready, or better still get the implant. That way you never have to worry about forgetting pills.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl here.
he is being immature about it but then that's due to his age.
personally if you are both that afraid of a pregnancy (and BCP with condoms is more than enough) I think perhaps you guys are not ready to add sexual activity to your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): @ Chigirl:
Today we all believe that women have the right to have a normal sex life without becoming parents against their will. The right to choose an abortion was one of the cornerstones of the feminist movement in the 1970s, to give women full control of their bodies and sex lives.
But if women can promise men "yes I would have an abortion" and then be allowed to change their mind later anyway, then can you please explain to me how a MAN can have a normal sex life without becoming a parent against his will?
He can't.
If women are allowed to change their mind about being pro-choice after accidentally conceiving, then men do not have the basic right their sex life that modern women feel entitled to. This is how things currently are and it is completely unfair to men.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 October 2011):
I am completely with ChiGirl on this. Of course you got angry/took the other side because your boyfriend was being an immature little brat. I'm not sure what he would hope to accomplish by dumping you. Then not only does he forfeit his rights to even discuss it with you, but he is also forced to pay child support. If he's so concerned about getting you pregnant, perhaps he should get a vasectomy and stop putting all the responsibility on you simply because you happen to have a uterus.
You're clearly being responsible here in that not only are you using birth control but you're discussing the possibility of pregnancy. But should you really be having sex with a child? You didn't mention his age but he seems to behave like he's 10 in that he doesn't know how to talk or how biology works.
Women don't spontaneously become pregnant. It takes two to tango so to speak. It's not as though if you don't want an abortion suddenly you've planned the pregnancy and child and should shoulder the whole burden or as though suddenly the egg magically fertilized itself. It doesn't really matter if he's not ready, he became ready when he handed over his genetic material to you and forfeited his right to control said genetic material. If he was so scared of getting you pregnant that he'd dump you to force you to get an abortion, then he should have kept his sperm in his own testicles.
While it's one thing to say "I want to know that you'll get an abortion if you become pregnant," it's another selfish horrible stupid thing to say "if you don't get an abortion I'll dump you." I think you should give him exactly what he wants, which is to give him the only 100% surefire way that you won't ever get pregnant, and that's to stop having sex, since he obviously can't behave like an adult about it. Though really I don't see how this relationship can ever survive if he tries to discuss serious issues by threatening you to get his way.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (20 October 2011):
 I think your boyfriend IS being mature. Not only is he agreeing to use two forms of contraception, he's asking you right off the bat to make a plan in the event of a pregnancy. Your boyfriend knows that at his age he does not have the instinct or financial means to properly raise a child, so for now he'd like you to agree to an abortion in case both contraceptions fail. This IS maturity. How many people his age think this through at all, let alone so well? Your boyfriend is not running from the consequences of sex; he has developed a protocol so that one day, maybe with you, he can have a child when he is emotionally and financially ready to give it the best life possible, and not a day before. This is mature thinking!As for your symptoms, it's too early to be having pregnancy symptoms if you only lost your virginity a week and a half ago. It's your nerves doing this to you. You're probably mid-cycle or nearing your period and your nerves are making you question everything you normally feel and are by now insensitive to. Does my left breast normally hurt like this? Do I normally have this discharge? Do I normally feel queasy like this? Do I normally have this pain in the right quadrant of my pelvis? You probably do, you were just never sensitive to it until you started worrying about pregnancy. Believe me, every girl goes through this. Just remember to look up which drugs (like antibiotics) interfere with the efficacy of the contraceptive pill and know that if you've had diarrhea or vomited while on the pill you should use another contraceptive for the next 7 days and you will be FINE.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 October 2011):
He threatened you, of course you took a stance, regardless of whether you would want an abortion or not. Because he didn't ASK YOU what you think of abortions or what you'd do if you were to fall pregnant, he didn't sit you down and discussed how you and him feel about abortion. No, he threatened to leave you should you fail to have an abortion before this or that time.
What good would it do to leave you if you kept this hypothetical child? The child wouldn't go away. And in his mind maybe he thinks the responsibility would go away with you, like the child is attached to YOU. But the truth is YOU COULD BE LEAVING HIM with a child that HE needs to take care of ON HIS OWN. But he hasn't thought of that...
"but if I choose to have a child he is not ready for, it's not fair on him to be expected to be one. " It's not exactly fair on you either is it? What's wrong with sharing the burden of an unexpected child? Just because you, in a hypothetical case, choose not to abort does not mean YOU planned to have a child, and certainly not on your own.
Your boyfriend is utterly immature and selfish, and this entire conversation shows you all his values and exactly where he stands. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but your boyfriend cares primarily about himself, and he believes that if responsibility gets too much, or the going gets tough, he can just abort the entire relationship. He believed he can ditch you, and ditch his responsibilities.
You need to have a good deep and long talk with him about this. If he's not ready to face the possible consequences, or able to TALK TO YOU in an adult manner about abortions and pregnancies, then you and him are not ready to be having sex. Really. If he's scared shitless of you becoming pregnant and unwilling to take his 50% of the responsibility, then he's not ready to be having sex. You and him need to talk about where you stand on abortions, and you need to talk to him about threats in a relationship. You can not be threatened to do this or that "or else he leaves you". He needs to communicate, not threaten. He needs to ask, not demand.
If not, then you and him can not possibly have a relaxed relationship, you'll be tip toeing around him worrying he'll leave you if this or that happens, which is out of your control. You can't control being pregnant (if at any time you accidentally are) any more than he can, so pushing YOU away solves nothing. If he's not ready to face the consequences then he's not ready to have sex. And by consequences I do not mean a child, I mean you possibly getting pregnant and knowing how to handle such a situation without resorting to threats.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdded on:
And I don't need anyone telling me that I'm young and it may not work out with him. My boyfriend and I are different to most relationships you see at our age, our parents, everyone around us, all says that they really think we'll be together for a long time, we're the sort of relationship where the person is just meant for each other. I'm not being naive about this, we really do get along well, we argue often, disagree on things, but are so alike and get through everything together happily in the end.
I know I'm young though and it may not work out, but I'm optimistic about it, and we both love each other and want nothing but to dream of a future together. So I will happily enjoy those thoughts, even though I know if we lasted that long, it would probably have a lot of very hard times.
And it's unlikely I would fall pregnant, seeming as I'll use at least 2 if not look into more forms of contraception, but just want some peace of mind and support that hopefully my gut feeling about this is right and to not worry! Anywhere else I've found someones oppinion on a similar thing said, everyones said to dump the guys ass. My boyfriend is not a bad guy, he's just a bit young at the moment and very adament about not raising a child when he is not ready to. Which I personally think is great! I hate seeing teenagers and even young adults raising children when they really shouldn't be.
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