A
female
age
36-40,
*etite
writes:Dear Ageny aunts,I have been married for about four years and have a two-year old baby girl. I had hypremesis gravadirium throughout my first pregnancy and I have been to hell and back. Now my husband wants another baby, I'm scared to death of getting sick again and I'm not up for the idea. What should I do? He really wants a baby. Is it better not to have a big age gap between siblings?ThanksWith Love Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 @ natasia : I admire your pluck, but I find that your answer is a bit too optimistic, it sounds like you and the OP aren't really talking about the same thing.
Hyperemesis means literally " excess of vomit ", so , if you did not vomit ... you did not have hyperemesis. With a bad case of hyperemesis, you can't hold down WATER. You get dehydrated, end up at the hospital for being rehydrated, and since no hospital is gonna keep you forever if you have no other symptoms and the baby grows regularly ( which, mysteriously, does, I had a 9 pounds baby ) they send you home till the next time, rinse and repeat.
It's true that the worst is over after 13 weeks, after, in general, it goes much better. In general. There are some unlucky exceptions.
As for medications, they'll give you stuff like meclizine, or meclopramide, but only when you are really in bad shape, not routinely. With this stuff and others, apparently " it has not been shown a relevant incidence in risk of malformations " etc., like it says in the instructions, but- no chemical is absolutely 100% safe during pregnancy, and most doctors ( and future moms ! ) think better safe than sorry.
As for safer substances used for nausea, ginger and other natural remedies, or Vitamin B6, they do nothing for real hyperemesis.
Plus, the individual threshold of tolerance to pain and discomfort is, well, individual,not everybody is born a hero, and if the OP feels daunted at the idea of repeating such an experience so soon,...maybe she has her own good reasons, and her husband should empathize with them, rather than blithely dismiss them.
So, OP, I stubbornly confirm. it's only time to have a baby when your body feels it's time, not when your husband says so !
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 When pregnant, I lose 21 pounds in the first trimester, always. The nausea and sensitivity to smells and exhaustion starts 10 days after conception, and increases quickly so that in Weeks 8-10 I only have about half an hour a day when I can function. I wake up, brush my teeth (that also makes me feel sick), then maybe sip some water (can't have tea, coffee, anything sweet, any meat, any bread ...) and then feel so exhausted I have to lie down. All day. The nausea is so bad I can't eat at all for two weeks in the middle. Then by week 12 it is getting better, then by week 13 is gone. But I never actually vomit. If that was happening as well, and for the whole pregnancy ... well, I can't imagine how difficult that would be.
BUT, there is medication for this, and it doesn't always happen the same. You should see your doctor first about it all, and hopefully there is a way through. I don't think you should give up on another child before you have seen the doc. It will also be v bad for your marriage if you do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): I don't think highly of men who have so little concern for their wife's feelings and just want what they want. and when it's a baby they want? who's going to be pregnant and in your case suffering the side effects? you, not him. who's going to go through the pain of childbirth? you, not him. who's likely going to be the one losing more sleep and spending more time and energy caring for a new infant? most likely you, not him.so for him to just insist that he wants a new baby, just cuz, (is it because he wants a boy?) and doesn't care how scared you are, is pretty uncaring and I don't see how a marriage can survive when one partner is like this.I think a good compromise - if you're willing to have another child just not the agony of pregnancy and childbirth - is adoption. But somehow I doubt your husband will be open to that (just a feeling...)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 June 2011):
I know what you are talking about, because I had hyperemesis too, and it's not fun. I actually LOST 18 pounts in the first 3 months of pregnancy . While I honestly can't say that was the reason why my son is an only child ( eventually you get over to anything unpleasant connected to having a baby, like labour pains- you know it's going to happen, but, whatever ) maybe two years is a bit too soon for you to be over it. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Don't let your husband pressure you, it's YOUR body, and your mind too. And your two y.o. is in a demanding stage , she needs a healthy, strong, energetic mom to raise her, as I doubt you could be if you get sick again.
Don't worry about the age gap- psychologists say everything and the opposite of everything about it, the jury is still out. And anyway the only pregnancy expert your opinion you need to rely upon is ..YOU and your body.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Talk to your husband! Let him know that you are not ready yet. Give him the reasons that you do not feel your body can handle another pregnancy right now.
Open up to your Hubby and Father of your child. You need to be able to talk to him about your fears AND acknowledge why HE wants another one now.
There were FOUR years between my kids and they turned out JUST fine:)
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 June 2011):
Your husband is being selfish if he is placing his own desire for a second baby (and it's not like he doesn't already have a child) above your health and welfare.
You're right to be concerned for your health and you have every right to feel the way you do. it's your body, you're the one who will suffer both short and possibly long term consequences, not him.
You shouldn't give into this just to appease your husband. Only have a baby if you're equally willing.
Ask your husband why it's so important to him to have a second child, why it's more important to him than your health. Maybe he doesn't understand the seriousness of the health issue so you should explain it clearly to him. if he understands how badly it affects you and yet is pressing ahead anyway with his desire that you bear him a second child, then I would seriously question if you have a deeper relationship/marital issue that you might want to confront.
Other options for having a second child but without risking your health, are to adopt. There are many children and babies who are in need of loving homes. Perhaps you can bring this up to your husband.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 June 2011):
Certainly whilst you feel this way, you shouldn't consider it. In the end, it's you who will be pregnant, you who will carry the baby, you who will be sick again and you who will take most of the childcare. Your husband needs to understand that for him, this isn't as big. For you, it's massive upheaval and if at this time you don't feel ready, you should not feel under pressure.
I think you need to talk to him again, and explain exactly what you went through in the pregnancy and what it meant. Tell him that at this time, you don't feel ready.
Having a baby is something you both need to agree on, and both need to be ready for. He won't be the one who bears the brunt of all this - you will, and he must respect that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): If its going to affect your health you really shouldn't have another baby. You could always adopt a baby. there are many babies out there that need two loving parents : ) And personally I think the longer the oldest gets to be the baby the better they are. When the oldest gets to be about 3 1/2 4 years old then they want a sibling. I think about 4 years is a good gap.
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