A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had sex with a guy who has been separated from his wife for a year. He has a 2 year old daughter with his wife, and that is why he claims it is "complicated" and they have not yet decided whether to move forward with the divorce. Does that count as cheating?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Yes. He is still married.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): they've been separated for a year and still can't decide if they want to divorce or not?
They already have separate residences established and I assume have already worked out some co-parenting arrangement. (otherwise what have they been doing with their kid for the last year?) What is preventing them from just signing the papers??
it sounds to me like one or both of them still wants to keep the door open to getting back together.
or could there be some emotional blackmail going on? one of them wants to get back together and is using something to get the other to not proceed with filing for divorce?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): In most states there is no such thing as "legally separated" or legal ramifications of committing adultery. The most that can usually be done, is she could cliam an "at fault" divorce, which usually gives her the upper hand with custody and MAYBE some additional moneys to care for the child. So legally, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing, and probably nothing that could come of it in terms of finances. Trust me...been there, had long discussions with my lawyer on it. I'm separated since March of 2010 and living with another woman. Divorce is pending...post-nuptual agreement is being revised. This can take some time with the back and forth, lawyer review, etc. So legally, you're probably not in any danger.
As for the moral dilemma...well, that is dependent on what his and your morals are. If he had a bad marriage, wants to be happy, but has ties to his past (children, long relationship, property, etc) it can become drawn out but he may be trying to do the right thing for everyone involved...good. If he is trying to keep her as a security blanket in case things dont work out with you, not so good...for you anyway. Do you know WHY he left his wife? Legally, there is no reason a divorce agreement will be held up because of children unless the parties disagree on custody, in which case court cases become involved. So, the only explanation is emotional...he, or she have emotional reluctance to split the family completely because of the daughter. There is nothing shady or immoral about this. He is trying to do the right thing by his daughter, and you have to accept this, as this is good. Now, as for him sleeping with other women while he gets his head together, well...we are biological as well as emotional. If he has been apart from her for a year, his marriage is probably over. He just doesn't really know it yet. He's seeking comfort, or happiness, or even a new chance with you. Not necessarily BAD, but there are potential emotional consequences for both of you here...especially you.
I think you are smart to keep a distance and not get involved too much. But you already are, so backing off may end his feelings for you too. Your choice, but I would stay away for now, until he at least filed. You stand the best chance of succeeding in a relationship with him if he makes decisions to end that relationship and begin one with you for the RIGHT reasons...not because he seeks comfort, or pleasure, or to reduce the stress of divorce or trying to figure himself out. A lot of this depends on WHY he's leaving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Thanks so much for your replies. I am worried less about the legality of it and more about 1) the morality of it, and 2) the possibility that he & I have a future. I have decided definitely to not let it go anywhere until & unless he decides to proceed with divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I think that legally it is cheating - which means that the ex wife could use this in divorce court to get more from him.
But in terms of mentally, emotionally, psychologically....I think it depends on his feelings for his ex wife.
If the only thing standing between them and divorce is money or other legal and logistics issues and they both have agreed the marriage is over and both are free to start dating other people, then I don't think this is cheating.
But if the reason they haven't started divorce proceedings yet is because they haven't actually decided if they are going to be permanently split or not and one or both of them is still entertaining the possibility of getting back together, then I think this is cheating because that means their relationship isn't truly "over."
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (6 December 2010):
I think if you need legal advice I wouldn’t look for it here. Dating while separated (legal or not) can lead to complications, but that’s will be a matter for the court systems.
“they have not yet decided whether to move forward with the divorce.” What’s complicated about him filing for divorce or getting a lawyer to file on his behalf? If he trying to work through his marriage in hopes to get back with her then yes he cheating on her, but if he separated and doesn’t loves his wife I would say NO. Has he moved on, that what you need to find out? You just may be sex to him.
“ Does that count as cheating?” I don’t see this as cheating because they supposedly have parted ways, both haven’t lived up to their vows and to stand here and claim a piece paper from a state is holy is absurd. A marriage license is a contract as any other contract that can be annulled. I would leave this guy unless he file and go through with the divorce. Nothing complicated with it.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Yes, even if he's contemplating a divorce, or in the midst of one, he is still LEGALLY MARRIED. If his wife finds out she can divorce him and take him to the cleaners for committing adultery.
It's best that you leave this married man alone, he's obviously not going to leave his wife.
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A
female
reader, INCREDIBLEME01 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I agree with Honeypie, this is considered adultry regardless of their seperation status or not. This divorce would not be the first divorce where a child has had to suffer as the new lifestyle takes place (Daddy not around everyday).And won't be the last. Do I condone putting a child through this? HELL NO! But if things are so horrible at home as I am sure he is professing, then it is not a lifestyle that the children should be subjected to any way. At all costs, teach your children what a loving, healthy relationship is by example, as they will likely grow up and mimick how they were raised in thinking this is how love is expressed. Just because one or both parents are hurt and all the other tragic feelings that go with a divorce, they are none the less already seperated, so the adjusted lifestyle has already been set in place. if they love their children so much, then act like civilized parents who want the best for their child at any cost, emotional or financial. Don't accept it's for the "children", when clearly the child has alreay experienced the effect of the homelife changing, she won't know the difference if the divorce papers are signed or not. They could easily go on living like they are now, but with a legal binding agreement that the life they are now living will be permanent or so in the eyes of the law. But yes, technically you are the other half of a man in an adultrous affair.
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A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Personally i don't count this as cheating it's been a whole year that they have been seperated therefore they are not together and haven't been in a long time. I am not too sure how it is over in america however over here in the uk you can't get a divorce until you are legally seperated for 2 years..
HOWEVER if they have not yet decided to move forward with the divorce then i would strongly question his status.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 December 2010):
 Depends on who you ask I would guess.
In my book - Yes. As long as he's married, he's married and anyone he sleeps with (other then his wife) is committing adultery with him.
Sounds like a lot of potential drama. If they can't even work out the details of a divorce, they aren't done with each other.
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