A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. We get along really well, and we have loads of fun. Lately, I've been thinking how much I'd like to get married. This time last year, after we'd been dating 9 months, my boyfriend told me (out of nowhere) he had doubts about our relationship. While these eventually passed, I've been feeling quite anxious and insecure ever since. That feeling is mostly emotional, but also partly practical. It's mostly emotional in that the idea of him having doubts just terrified me because I love him beyond worlds and if he were to walk away from me I don't know what I'd do. It's partly practical because I have given up everything to be with my boyfriend - when I entered this relationship I had my house, my car, my furniture; now I have nothing other than a few clothes that are mine, and would be homeless if he threw me out. I guess I've been looking for security and a kind of confirmation of the relationship ever since, and maybe this is where the marriage thing comes in.Last Friday I was a bit tipsy and it seemed like a good idea (at the time) to tell him that this was important to me. (I realize this was stupid now). His reaction was to ask me whether I wanted to tie the knot next summer. I didn't actually expect him to ask, but it made me really, really happy that he did. However, by the next morning he had changed his mind. He told me he thought that marriage was arbitrary and it didn't really mean anything to him - that the most important thing was that we were together and happy. He also gave me a bit of a lecture about not seeing marriage as something that could solve my anxieties, and this being a bad reason for tying the knot. I kind of knew that he would pull back. And I also knew that it would be really unfair to hold him to a promise he made after having a couple of beers. (It was a stupid, stupid thing to do to bring it up in that context). I'm trying to let that dream of marriage die quietly in me. At the same time, I feel a bit humiliated by the whole situation, a bit crushed because it seemed so close and now it will never happen. I know that I have played the relationship right to be happy, but wrong to be married. In practical terms, it IS like we're married already: we live together, and I cook, and clean, and look after him, and he takes care of me too. I don't have any more commitment that I can give to this: it's all already out there. But in doing that, I feel like I've shut off any chance I had to be married. I love him, and I know that I need to accept that he has different views on this and that these mean I'll never get that dream. But I'm finding it hard because to me marriage is important as a sign of commitment, and sometimes I feel unvalued because I don't have it. I also feel like maybe if I'd been less anxious about his doubts, maybe if I'd managed that situation better, he wouldn't have judged me as having the 'wrong' motives for getting married. How do I change my way of thinking to go forward in a positive way from here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): you can leave a marriage just as easy as a relationship. it wont bond you at the hips.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Just know this when you get older you will wish that you had gotten legally married (to someone) because once he is gone there goes your security. most states in the US do NOT recognize commone law marriage. This means if he dies you won't get his social security, none of his benefits...nothing..anything he owns goes to whoever he leaves it to in a will...no will? his relatives will fight over it.
Think you want security get married and make it legal!!! If he won't commit find your own independence and hook up with someone who will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): It seems you have thrown everything into this relationship, materially and emotionally, every last morsel of independence has gone and now you feel vunerable and insecure. You need you start building up your life again. A sense of independence is attractive, the idea that you can be your own person regardless of whether you have a partner, a warm loving relationship is the icing on the cake. Maybe you see marriage as a lovely big security blanket and he recognises that. Are you too needy? All things to ponder.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Just to make it clear: the practical and financial situation really isn't that relevant. I do have a job and a good (i.e. above average) income, but my partner earns twice as much as I do (partly due to the sector he is in). What I bring to the relationship is what I earn, plus a lot of support for his career (we met through work and I have helped him significantly with some crucial projects where I happen to have the skills he needed), and doing most of the household chores.
I work a 40 hour week but am also going to school in my spare time. My eventual hope is to get into a different area where I will eventually earn more than he does. I spend a lot of my evenings and weekends on this. So I am trying to work myself into a better position.
The insecurity I feel is a lot more emotional than practical. I would hate for you guys to think I was a golddigger. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): "How do I change my way of thinking to go forward in a positive way from here?"
You change it by realizing that this isn't about marriage at all. This is about insecurity. You gave up your entire life to be with him, now he's all you got and if you lose him you have nothing. That was a bad position to put yourself in, now you have absolutely no security or insurance should this relationship go wrong and what's worse is that this puts far too much pressure on him to make you feel like he'll always be there. Which you probably should anyway but you need a sworn oath to get over your insecurity, that's the wrong reason for marriage.
You want marriage only because you feel insecure, you want him to sign a contract to always be with you. What you're doing is taking the fun out of the relationship and putting a tonne of pressure on him, so neither of you can relax and enjoy it. This situation is putting a lot of strain on your relationship and ironically could damage it beyond repair.
You need to regain some of the life you had before you got with him, we get together with people to share our lives, not give everything up for another person.
You need to regain a bit of security, whether that's a separate savings account, your own car, your own stuff etc. You need to take back some of what you lost and have a life that doesn't solely revolve around him. At the moment you're like a tenant in his life, living in his life and his home. Until you turn that around a bit and gain some of your own personal financial and emotional security then you're always going to have the risk of losing everything hanging over your head and you won't be happy and comfortable living that way. Marriage won't cure that feeling and he wants to get married out of love not because you want to tie him down. You let yourself get tied down to him and far too reliant on him, he's not foolish enough to do the same because it makes no sense. He has that security and frankly because you're living in hi world, if you got married and were to divorce, then seeing as you have nothing of your own, you'd take half of everything he owns.
It really would take everything he has built in his life away from him including you. Marriage to you would put everything in his life at risk, you were willing to do that and look how it's made you feel, he would feel the exact same way if he signed a contract with that entitles you to half of all his stuff. What do you bring to the table other than clothes? He has everything to lose here if it goes wrong, you already gave up everything freely when you shouldn't have.
Get some of your old life back, get security that way and have a life outside of him, that way you'll both feel secure, you'll have your own stuff and your own life and you will contribute half to the marriage as it should be really. Instead of his codependent you can be his partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): If your relationship is great why do you want to tie the knot?? this is something that you don't jump into and you dont want to push him into something he dose not want to do marriage dose not solve every thing talking to one another dose i would wait being married is not everything and i think you want to marry so it will stop you from being insecure
but it wont you both need to sit down and talk to one another
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