He is 13 and never met his father, who now has a brain tumour

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Teenage, Troubled relationships

<< Previous question Next question >>

Question - (4 July 2014)

6 Answers - (Newest, 6 July 2014)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a single mum of 1 son whos never had a dad in his life hes had male figures like my dad and brothers , ive just found out the father of my child has a brain tumour, we split before our child was born and he hasn't seen our son ive read up on life expectancy and don't know what to do at the most he could have 5 years left to live for my sons sake I want to take him to meet him but I fear rejection for my son or do I contact him first and ask him does he want to see his son , ive never stopped him from seeing his son whos 13 now its hard news for him to have finding out hes ill as will being given the chance to meet his son , so do I ask him if he wants to meet his son or do I just turn up with him help ?

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Abella +, writes (6 July 2014):

Children always wonder about a father who's never been a part of their life. It eats into them and causes deep hurt.

The boy's father may refuse to see his son if the man feels no connection or feels unable to face meeting his son for reasons such as guilt or compromised self esteem. If the man is living in poor circumstances the man may not want the son to see how his life is. And the man may be too unwell to receive visitors, particularly a visitor as important as his own son, considering that the man is suffering a life threatening illness.

You may even meet with opposition from relatives of the man.

Did the man legally acknowledge the son on the son's birth certificate? If the man refused to acknowledge the son 13 years ago he may be even less inclined to acknowledge the son now.

The man will lose any opportunity to legally acknowledge his son once the man has passed away.

A birth certificate with ''father unknown' or 'father not stated' often causes deep hurt for people with such a birth certificate. It is not too late for the father to fix this hurt, but his health may be so poor that it is not appropriate to raise these issues as the man is so ill. Though your son will always wonder why his father chose to not be in his life.

Thus it is very important to find out if the man is even willing to see the 13 year old

who is his son. If he is willing to see his son then it is up to you to not impose any barriers to your son meeting his father.

If your son later finds out that you could have allowed him to meet his Dad, talk to his Dad and get to know his Dad BUT that by your own actions or inaction you denied him that opportunity then sadly your son may never forgive such a

missed opportunity.

Do approach the man first, perhaps through a close family member. Send along some photos of your son so that his father can see the physical similarities.

Then in the man agrees you can ask your son if he would like to meet his father. Explain that his father is seriously ill.

And that time with his father may have to consist of very short visits.

You and your son may even benefit from some counselling. Since the meeting/s may be a mixture of happiness and regrets that the time to get to know each other may be cut short.

Your local Doctor may also be able to explain the problems for a person suffering from this serious issue. Just so that your son is better prepared for any meeting - where he knows what has occurred so that illness does not scare the son.

Are you close to any relatives of the father of your son? Could a sympathetic close relative of the man smooth the way to help allow the meeting to take place?

Hope it all works out well for all involved.