A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if my male friend is flirting with me or just being friendly. Its starting to make me uncomfortable.So in a nut shell, I've known and been friends with him for over a year now, I'm 18 and he's 23. When we first met I must admit I had a little crush on him, he's muscular and tall etc (all things that I usually like). I got over the crush for several reasons. First being the age difference. Personally I like older guys and although it seems like nothing, 4 year gap is my limit, for guys I'd consider pursuing anything with. So he's just out of the bracket. Secondly, and more importantly, I found out that he had a girlfriend - although I couldn't tell by the way he acted around me. The girlfriend thing was a massive red flag, and where I perhaps may have come across as flirting with him before finding out, I made sure not to and have stuck to my oath. I'm refuse to be that girl. Everything from the way he looks at me to the way he hugs is leading me to believe he may be flirting, and I don't want that to be the case. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting but I feel like I'm not. We see eachother casually in a group setting maybe once or twice a week and we talk and laugh as friends and whatever. Whenever he sees me he will come up, wrap his arms around my waist and pull me in to his chest. He always squeezes in his hugs as well, and sometimes I have to pull away because he's been squeezing for too long and won't let go. The top of my head reaches his shoulders and he's a little over 6ft. His hugs are amazing but I have to remind myself that he is taken. I will just be minding my own business and suddenly he pulls me in for a hug/cuddle. Tbh he makes it really difficult to distance myself from him and only see him as a friend. Just to be clear, I've never seen him hug anybody else when we're in a group, he just comes straight to me.I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into this. When his girlfriend is around he's suddenly different also, he'll barely even look at me, just a nod hello. There's no way is ever want to come between a couple like that, but why is he being like this? Also, this may not be relevant, I had a thing with his friend a little while back, and since it's over, he's become like this, he never seemed flirty before. I don't get what's going on here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2017): One question.
How would it feel if you were this guy's girlfriend and he flirted with another girl when you weren't around?
You would never be able to trust a guy like that to ever behave properly or be loyal to you.
Stay far away from him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): EDIT: "accept when given to grandma or family..."
Correction: "except when given to grandma or family..."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): No, sweetheart, I think your suspicions are on-target. He is making subtle passes and invading your personal-space. You are a highly perceptive and a very intelligent young lady. Your post is quite articulate, and shows wisdom beyond your years. I call it when I see it, and I commend you for it.
Listen to your gut. You've pulled-away during a long hug; and when you do, you have regulated the length a hug you consider is acceptable according to your personal-boundaries.
As men, we are supposed read the signals and observe the boundaries women set. He is ignoring them trying to send counter-signals he is attracted to you. That's what lingering hugs are meant to convey; accept when given to grandma or family-members. Girls your age and at your stage of physical-development are prime-targets. Men of all ages are prone to step over the line. You are now old enough to say something about it.
Now it's time to set your boundaries. You have to tell males when they make you feel uncomfortable.
As mom used to say: "Use your words!" Always remind him he has a girlfriend and you respect that. This comment says two things. (1) The word "respect" is brought to mind. That is inclusive of you, his relationship, and her. (2) The boundary is now set and verbally-established. The line is now drawn. He now knows he's dealing with a smart young woman, not a naive kid.
He will respect your wishes and keep an appropriate distance from now on. His hopes were to play on your teenage hormones, and he is very much aware you were crushing on him. Being more experienced, he also senses your physical-attraction to him. As an attractive young male, his ego is always set on high alert around females; and opportunities to have sex. That's how we guys are wired.
Use your words. Don't shy from telling guys when to behave or to back-off. In more serious situations; No doesn't mean NO, until you actually say it. That is something important for you to remember as a female.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): Look, the long and the short of it is that he is basically copping a feel. Using the excuse of " friendship ". If he barely aknowledges you when his gf is around, and if he is not the touchy-feely, affectionate type who hugs all his friends, male and female- friendship, my foot. He finds you physically attractive and he finds contact with your body a pleasurable sensation- and he gets as much as he can of that without blatantly crossing the line, because, after all, friends hug each other, right ? Wrong. They do, or at least they should, only if there are no erotic undertones in it at all, no flirting.
You are absolutely right in not wanting to indulge him, and , while I think and hope your non-verbal language should be enough to make him desist ( just pull back immediately, without waiting for him to squeeze you and hold you ! ), if it's not you can simply and clearly tell him to not do it, because it makes you uncomfortable , one hugs and cuddle like that lovers, not friends. ( ... and he knows it; reasons for which he does not do it in front of his gf ).
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 Hi OP.
Firstly, if he cannot act the same way around you when he is with his girlfriend then that just shows that his intentions are not pure. If they were just friendly hugs then why does he not hug you the same way in the presence of his girlfriend?
I think that maybe you should speak to him about your discomfort surrounding certain things that he does in your company like the hugs and such. You need to communicate to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable that his hugs are so intimate and that he changes when he's around his gf. Also let him know what you told us here that you do not want to interfere in their relationship and that you're content being his friend. Let him know that he should treat you how he treats the others in the group.
I'm sure that he must like you to a certain extent and he is letting you know by his long and somewhat intimate hugs.
I do applaud you for being the young woman that you are with a good head on your shoulders. It's good to see that you do not want to break up his relationship and you're serious about just remaining friends with this guy.
I would say, keep up how you've been towards him and remain his friend if you wish to but you've got to talk to him in order for that to happen.
Good luck OP.
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