A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy for 6 months, he is 36 and i'm 32. When we first got together, he said he had issues with the whole 'girlfriend/boyfriend thing, and that he believed in us both being free to see other people if we wish. I am not that sort of person, and if i'm in a relationship, i don't go for anyone else and i've told him that. From what I can fathom, his past relationships have all been on/off (his longest relationship was 4yrs), and he has never lived with or settled down with a girl. So, I was under no pretenses. He is quite flirty and extrovert, and i am more quiet and shy. More recently, he has been introducing me to his friends as 'his girlfriend', but he has never said he loves me or anything like that. When we're together though 'everything feels right'. He sometimes doesn't call or text me for days, and I know he has been very busy with work. Recently he went away to a party for a weekend, and I didn't hear from him for a week. When I saw him again, I checked his phone because i felt suspicious, and I found flirty text messages he sent to other girls. I didn't confront him about it, but ended it the following day. Then, he was texting me most days, arranging a date to see me (which he's never done before) usually he just phones randomly to see if I'm around or for a chat (although recently that has become less often). I met up with him, and tried to talk openly, asking him to be 100% honest with me. He says he doesn't like those kind of talks, I think he feels uneasy with it. And when we do talk he always makes me out to be the one who is paranoid and insecure. He says this is turning him off me, and i feel the more i initiate talking to him, the more he pulls away. He says he is free to meet other girls if he wants to because 'we're not married or anything', but then says he hasn't had sex or kissed another girl while we have been together. I find this remark contradictory. I proposed to him that perhaps 'he is not ready for a serious relationship', he says 'he is ready', and he says 'maybe one day with me', but that doesn't make me feel very secure. When we do meet, it is mostly on his terms, I think he is quite selfish, but in some respects I admire his demeanor, but on the other hand, it is messing with my head, because i don't really know where i stand. I've tried to talk to him, but he always gets defensive, and i don't seem to be able to get past that. I really like him (maybe even love him) but is it healthy for me to keep seeing him?Has anyone been in this type of relationship before, what should I do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Hi, I think you're right, this relationship won't be very healthy for you. You and he want different things from a relationship, and from what you report of him, he's not likely to want to change how he's managed his relationships. It's not anybody's fault, it's just a case of expectations. He expects to have fun and spend some time with a woman but doesn't want to settle down and commit. You are like most women and want an exclusive relationship with an understanding that if things work out, the future will be one of commitment. He has a bunch of exes because he's never committed to any one of them.
Please don't make the mistake of thinking that he will change for you. He was upfront about his feelings regarding the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, high marks for honesty, and it's clear he meant it. What I've learned in my life is that when a man tells you something like that, LISTEN TO HIM! He's telling you how things will be with him and it'll be like banging your head against a wall to try to change him.
He doesn't want to have 'the talk' because he know it'll just upset you and rock the balance that he's tried to establish with you. He may indeed not be seeing anyone else, but he's certainly left the door open for himself to do so, and so when he does (and I think he will) and you get upset about it, he'll remind you that you two are not really exclusive to each other. He tells you that you're paranoid and insecure because he doesn't want to admit that he has no interest in a fully committed relationship, and by his lights, you are those things. I of course don't think that you're insecure, you're just asking for what a woman interested in a long-term, committed relationship would ask for. Nothing wrong with that.
If it were me in your shoes, I'd wish him well, sadly say goodbye, that I'd miss him a bit, then I would move on and do my very best to get over him quickly. I wouldn't waste any more of my time with a guy who will never be able to enter into the kind of relationship that I know I want.
Don't get into the blame game, there's no point to it. Just acknowledge that you and he are on different paths, and have differing expectations of how the significant love relationship in each of your lives will be. No need for anger, perhaps some wistful regret for what could have been, had either of you been willing to compromise. Part as friends, and get yourself back out there and find a guy who is willing to commit to the right woman.
Good luck!
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