A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am empty and completely confused. I have sacrificed my home, job, and sanity to make a 2-year relationship with the father of my daughter feasible, but something is terribly wrong. He is divorced with two children from a previous marriage, and somewhat bitter about having a third with me. He has even blamed the pregnancy on why didn't go back to grad school--as if that wasn't possible both before during and after our relationship. I have managed to obtain multiple professional credentials, excel in my career, and I have already completed grad school. We are both professionals, same race, similar backgrounds, and Christians. I am 10 years younger than he is. We have been struggling with the details of pending cohabitation for 18months. I became pregnant 3 months into the relationship, but continued to live in Georgia; he, in North Carolina. We recently decided after almost 2 years of commuting, that I would move there. I gave up everything, and left our daughter with my parents to test the waters and make sure it was safe. I have never been married, never cohabitated with a man, and wanted what was best for our child as well. In order to maintain a clear head, and undo some of the damage of having a baby before marriage, I opted for celibacy until we exchanged nuptials (which was supposed to be this month). The lack of sex has made him delusional. I thought it was only temporary, and would strengthen our relationship with Christ. The closer we got to the move, the more apathetic his attitude; we've been through quite a bit, and I feel that his sentiments towards me have frozen some because he is bitter about supporting his daughter. I never took him to court, but allowed him to support as he wished. I have compromised to no end; he only pays for daycare ($500) and occasional necessities (not including food or clothes). I almost feel the only reason our relationship persisted this far is because "its cheaper to keep her". I moved in a few days ago. We've had one disagreement, and never in my life have I had this happen with a man. He consistently told me not to touch him and turned his back to me (I still tried to be compassionate towards him, hold his hand, be tender, and respectful in the midst of our discussion). He is so cold. I have done everything he asked of me. I have given up my life as I know it and took a chance on him. He has sacrificed nothing --save for grad school, which sounds like an excuse to me. I will admit there have been times early in our relationship where I have given him a verbal lashing because I have felt he tried to complain too much with me and frankly, I didn't need the negativity during my pregnancy. Everything with him is a hardship, but I can't let him go. I have read scripture with him, written letters, helped him with his sons, helped him start his own business, raised our daughter without asking for more than he's given and I don't know what's left to compromise. I feel as though this is our 5th year in an unloving marriage, but we're not even married yet. I left this week and came back to Georgia because I cannot stand to be in our home. I am on the brink of depression, scared, frustrated, and completely discouraged. I have my own business, so money is not an issue for me, but feel like there's nothing left for me to lose. I am convinced that he dislikes me, and blames his meeting me for everything wrong in his life and its breaking my heart. I've never truly failed at anything, but I know I can't make this happen alone, and this is probably the worst first-time major failure a girl like me can withstand. I'm trying to be strong but I am broken, and I don't know if this relationship can be recovered. Yesterday he asked when I was returning, but his parting words to me were "your happiness is important to me, and if you aren't happy with me, then don't ignore that. I'll do whatever I can to help you, whatever you decide". That's the way it always is...The decision is always up to me. Is he showing me the door?
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female
reader, fluffer  +, writes (8 April 2007):
Sorry I think maybe he can be that evil. First things first you need to get your independance back.I think he's gonna use your financial situation to beat you with, and really you owe it to your child not to put yourself in that position. It's not your fault his brother died, or his father and although it's a good thing to be a sholder to cry on, your not there for him to take all his frustrations out on. This sounds like a bad situation for your child to be in she's scared of him and she can't just walk away you have to do the walking for her. Don't beat yourself up about the pregnancy before marrage there's no sin in that and god will understand this child came out of your love. But his reaction is classic of an emotionaly imature man (your trying to trap me)? Please he had responsability as well he could have used a rubber. It's going to be hard, but you sound like a person with alot of strength. You know what you've got to do, you said it yourself. You got to go. Good luck honey and god bless..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. Since posting this question, I've managed to further traumatize myself and throw myself on the mercy of his mother. I essentially asked her the same question, and she essentially told me I never should have laid down and had that baby, and that I shouldn't have moved up there to be with him. She also said that she's surprised he asked me to marry him because she honestly never thought he'd marry again. I thought I would find the missing link by talking to her, but I'm only further convinced that his childhood is probably the cause of most of what I'm experiencing. He lost his younger brother at the age of 13, he lost his father 4 years ago, and I think that has much to do with his emotional detachment. I thought I could reach him, but maybe I'm the one who is delusional. I feel so irresponsible for putting myself through this. I've always known better. But I still love him. I don't know what its going to take for me to stop abusing myself. My daughter cries at the sight of him...she literally is terrified of her own father. She is the most calm and peaceful child, but his gentlest touch scares the living daylights out of her. The universe has been warning me but I've held on to the distant hope that he'll love me again if I show him by example. Honestly, after talking to his mother, I wonder if he convinced me to move in with him so he could get joint custody of our daughter and avoid child support. Maybe he's always wanted to get rid of me; he would be able to petition for joint custody now that I'm completely dependent on him. If his mother is right, and he never wanted to be married again, I really bought into a fantasy. I feel so stupid. Please tell me he can't be this evil.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): Hi, The question you want to be asking yourself is not Is he showing me the door?But how have allowed this man (who is lucky to have a wife like you by the sounds of things) make you feel on the brink of depression, scared, frustrated, and completely discouraged? Ask yourself this as well whatever you religion would your god almighty want to see you so unhappy? I don’t know your beliefs but in my opinion. No religion in this day and age should mean that You should have to be with someone who obviously cold hearted and got serious issues, the most descent thing you can do for yourself and your family is to walk out and I’m sorry you if don’t want to hear this,You have not sinned or failed in anyway even if your religion tells you the opposite being human is not a failure meeting the wrong person is not a sin,You will not punished for anything, you are a good person he has serious problems with his mind. If you keep being his doormat he will never get betterIts time too say to him well fair enough blame me for everything but I want be around for this anymore, you deserve Love this is not love and you know it or you wouldn’t have posted.So you are doing him no favors in the long run by staying to “save your relationship” your saying its alright to treat you this way even if you tell him verbably that its wrong, your still staying for more so in his mind he will never change, Would anyone freely give up there life for this? Its not a happy existence, Do youself a favor,
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A
female
reader, adina  +, writes (7 April 2007):
I have an almost the same situation but i have decided to leave.i still love him, i also have a daughter with him, 4 months old, but i couldn't stand to pay for his own wickness. he was blayming me for everything also.i left him pregnant in 7 months and after i had the baby he started hating me. i thinck that comes when the woman does better in everything and they are not mature enough to understand it is not a competition
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