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He didn't want a relationship, so why has he contacted me after 2 months of no contact?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2013) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *ollyhock writes:

I had a relationship with a man for 5 years. in the beginning we had sex, but after 6 months it became just friends as he didn't want a relationship with me. For the next 4.5 years I struggled with being just his friend as I loved him deeply.

2 months ago I told him that I could no longer cope with the situation and was too in love with him to be just friends and wanted a proper relationship with him which was obviously never going to hapoen. i told him that our relationship/friendship was over. I told him that I couldn't see or contact him any more and explained my reasons very carefully and told him that it was no-one's fault, but I loved him too much to be friends as this caused me too much pain. doing this was so very hard for me and I have worked hard on getting my life back together and keeping myself busy.

In the past 2 weeks he has emailed me. First time to ask if I had a DVD that he had lent out. I don' t have the DVD so told him very nicely that I don't have it and I didn't get into any kind of conversation with him as I need to keep no contact to help me get over him.

Today he has has emailed me again to ask if he can come over to my house to collect a book he lent me as he would rather I didn't sent it via post as the book is too precious. I haven't replied to this email.

I know he cares for me very much on a friends basis, but I have explained that I wanted A relationship and, as he doesn't want that from me, I need to be away from him so that I can mend my broken heart and move forward with my life.

So why does he contact me if he doesn't want a relationship with me?

Thank you all for your thoughts.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (22 May 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntI's a shame that he feels so hurt, but what did he expect?, surely he can see your point of view and if he was that good of afrind, he'd back right off and let you heal the unrequieted love you feel for him. You will be suffering much more pain than him, despite what he says.

As I mentioned before, I was in this situation and the guy said he was hurt, but he quickly moved onto someone else without a second thought for me...so don't be fooled by all the pathos!!

I am so glad you are sticking to your guns...do you really want to bearound when he finds someone else?...no you don't!!

Belive me in a few months time you will be extremely glad that you did not let things drag on!!

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A female reader, Hollyhock United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2013):

Hollyhock is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi There

Just to update you all. My friend came round two evenings ago to collect his book.

He stayed for about 2 hours and we had a good talk. He's really upset that I ended the friendship even though I explained (again) my reasons why. I was surprised at how upset he was.

He is desperate to maintain our friendship as he says that he values me so much as a friend and feels lost without me and has missed my company. He also told me how I am one of the few people he knows who he can trust (which he can).

I am sticking to my guns about not seeing him as I need to get over him. He just wants the friendship and doesn't want a relationship with me - he told me this again.

I never wanted to hurt him. I adore his friendship and explained that one of us was going to get hurt whichever way it went - me if we continued to see each other as I would never get what my heart desires or him if I end the friendship. It seems that he is the one who has now got hurt.

I feel so guilty about this and am terribly upset that I have hurt him so much when he says that he honestly believed that we were just friends over the past 4 years or so.

But I suppose the situation is what it is and nothing can be changed,

So, thank you all for your previous advice and now you know what the current situation is.

I feel so sorry for him, which has surprised me.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (29 April 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntStay strong, why not get yourself out and about on the weekend, arrange something with your friends and have some fun...life is too short to let one person eat at your emotions...there are so many other people to meet and places to go...so dontwaste time.

(just so you know...I have been in your position, brooded for 2 years for the bloke, but I got over it and I am so glad I did)

Sending you hugs and girl power xxx

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A female reader, Hollyhock United Kingdom +, writes (28 April 2013):

Hollyhock is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you both for your thoughts which are really helpful. I don't think he's contacting me for sex as that hasn't happened for over 4 years, but I do agree that he probably wants an ego boost.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (28 April 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntI agree, he's coming round to stir the pot, because some people just need the attention. Do not be fooled for one second...nothing will have changed and he still wont want a relationship, he will just get his 'attention' fix and it will leave you feeing terrible!!

Give back any stuff you have via a neutral friend or just dump it!

It's hell gettingover someone who does not fee the same way and you absolutely must put yourself first. You are doing so well and recovering nicely, DO NOT allow him to disrupt that process.

Block his e-mail and calls or change your own and who knows, once you have moved on to a new relationship, then it may be possible to be his friend, but not until the feelings have died down xxx

Good luck xxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013):

Probably wants sex.Don't let him near your home.

If he wants his book or anything else he left behind,box it up and hand it over, tell him it will be on your doorstep or give it him on neutral ground.

Then leave, block his email address and carry on your recovery.

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