A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help, i am 22 years old and i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend/fiance since highschool (6 yrs) he was my first everything. I was so in love with him, I thought we'd be together forever, but the last few months have been rocky for us, i don't want to get into too much details but between the regiment of work school and family my time for him was limited, he ended up cheating on me with someone both him and i knew. I was caught offguard by this and after a lot of digging i found out everything and he lied to me about it all at first. He had a very intimate relationship with this woman, sharing alot of what we were trying to work on with us...with her. He told lies about me to her and totally crushed me. I think/thought i loved him so i figured we could work it out. I put it to the side as a horrible series of events hit my life and he rededicated himself to me and was there for me during those times. He promised me he would never do anything like that again and says he realized how much he lost and how much he truly did love me after he messed up. With everything personally that happened i didn't have time or the strength to work on things or break up with him (and i feel i should have) because he asked me to marry him in the midst of all this and i said yes thinking that it would help us reconnect... Unfortunatly it was the complete opposite, i felt trapped and unsure after a while, i doubted the relationship, and I started going out with my single friends.. I realized how young i actually am and how dedicating my life to something i was unsure of was somewhat stupid. Unfortunatly i am no better than him, the months after all of the terrible events in my life, we went through a really tough period in our relationship we never broke up officially but in ways we did... i ended up cheating (one night stand) and i havent told him, im still engaged, i regret it everyday because i see the change in him and not only do i realize why he did what he did, but i feel as he did with realizing how much you love someone, i know its not right and im not trying to justify it, i am so confused as to what to do. We have been working on things and agreed that we are moving forward with our lives and leaving the past behind us... i don't ever want anyone else. Is it bad for me to have this secret and move forward with a wedding, is it right not to tell him. i need advice so pls anyone help me
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female
reader, sexybitch1982  +, writes (21 March 2010):
He cheated. I got upset but sex did it. But not wiv him so i told him he said we're even. But he did it again, and put it on utube, i no but shall i break up wiv him? :$
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): This is from the last male anonymous that posted.
The female poster below me makes a bold and unfounded statement when she states that us who advised you to come clean do not understand what you have together. I myself have been with my "childhood sweetheart" since I was 16 and she was 15, we too are now engaged after eight years together. I certainly understand what is at stake for you here.
Regardless of whether it was a mistake and you did not mean what you did, you still won't feel good inside or "pure" when you marry him, knowing what you did and knowing that he does not know. You seem like an intelligent woman you know as well as I know, that if you do not tell him, it will eat away at you over the coming years and cause a lot more pain than telling him now would.
I am rather shocked how many of the posters here suggest keeping it from him, and people wonder why two out of three marriages end nowadays? Whether you are religious, atheist, female, male, heterosexual or homosexual no one could honestly believe that keeping this from your prospective partner for life is the right thing to do.
I have little judgement or care for what you have done, it goes on all over the world at the end of the day, but lying to your finance' at the alter or registry office or where ever you are going would be a very malicious and selfish thing to do.
Again, my apologies if I seem harsh, but so many posters here seem to be giving you the "easy way out" as advice, as such, I have to make my point a little stronger.
Good luck and all the best, make the choice that you feel deep down is right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): It seems like you two have been though a very difficult spot in your relationship. Honestly you both should have spent some time apart in order to heal and move on from the first incident. Both of you are confused and unsure of what you want and since you didn't leave it seems it left both of you with doubt and confusion. He shouldn't have proposed to you and you shouldn't have said yes. If you truly love him and you both have learned from your mistakes NEVER do it again and move forward with your lives...work on the relationship and take some time before you guys get married if you do. I see alot of the post up here say to come clean and that you are wrong for what you did... but they fail to see that you two have been together since you were very young and without time apart or time to grow it can cause a lot of problems in a relationship especially with an engagement. I don't condone cheating but mistakes happen, its what you learn and take out of these mistakes that makes you a better person. You now understand why he did what he did and what he went through when he did it. Take it as a moment of weakness and confusion, you are young, take a step back and really think about this whole engagement if you truly love him are able to move forward and devote yourself to him completly do so. Just think of the rough times as an area of break up BUT next time there is a rough time handle it on a more mature level and THINK about what YOU are doing to yourself and YOUR relationship with him. Being a victim is not an excuse but i do understand where you are comming from... I hope this helps and i wish you the best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): if you are really honest you have not forgiven him and you messed it up more by doing it with omeone else too. this marriage thing is just a convenience so you have so much to really think about. if you are honest you know this marriage will just disntergrate in a while. you are not ready for this. and getting married for the wrong reasons will only hurt you both later on. you havn't said i do yet, it is not too late to tell him you have doubts. at least be honest with him. this one night stand is just the first few cracks in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): If I am honest, I think the whole concept of cheating is disgusting, no matter what the circumstances, and people spend too much time making up weak excuses for it.
Considering your circumstances, I must say I disagree with the below poster as in not telling him, if it comes out in the future when you are married, things could get a lot more painful when he realises you were hiding something from him on your wedding day.
I don't wish to pass judgement on you, or your fiance. You have both wronged each other, but remember that you at least know about his wrong doing, its hardly fair him thinking that you have always been faithful, and that he is the screw up. Could you really look into his eyes and tell him you love him, and agree to your wedding vows, whilst knowing you were with another man, and he hasn't even had the option of deciding whether he wants to marry you whilst knowing that very important information? At least he can say "I do" with a clean conscience, well, I hope he can.
Apologies if I seem harsh in any way, just trying to give you a realistic answer and not molly coddle you into making a decision you will regret.
Hope it helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I dont quite agree with a few of the posts here.. I dont think you cheated because you were unhappy as much as you were freaked out about the marriage and considering what he had done to you, it probably didnt seem like a bad idea at the time. I dont agree with cheating, but we are only human and I think there are times when we loose ourselves. Personally if I was in your situation and sure that this is something I would never do again, I would keep it to myself. Its only going to cause more damage in your relationship, and if the marriage is something you really want.. then save yourself the frustration and bury that memory. However you should really decide if marriage is what you want right now, im also 22 and my wedding is in 4months and Iam starting to have my doubts... So I definatly understand where your coming from there. I still havent figured everything out on my end yet, so I cant give you to much advise there, so let me know how things work out. Just keep in mind this is suposed to be a "life long commitment."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I reckon you should call it quits and go find someone else.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 June 2009):
You have to tell him.
This relationship has hit so many rocks that the last thing you need now is more lies.
Tell him, call off the engagement (It was a stupid idea out of desperation on both sides) and then just talk like adults and start again.
Take some time to talk and really think.
Are you both in this because you love each other and want to be together, faithfully and long term.... or just because you USED to love each other and you feel bad about letting go.
Sit him down and talk about everything.
Decide if there is anything worth saving and then start again with NO big promises of commitment or pressure. Just date. See what happens.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (3 June 2009):
 clearly you guys went through a tough patch but he's showed willingness and dedication to you to proove that you guys can do it and to proove how sorry he is and how much he does actually love you.
if you were unsure at first you should of discussed before going further.
but you do so need to tell him because you can't start a marriage based on lies right?
i mean if he truely loves you and you truely love him and really want this to work then you should tell him and hopefully you guys can figure a way to actually be together or whether or not you guy figure this is the end of the road for you two.
you can't not tell him because one way or another the truth will get found out and it's better it comes from you than some other person when you guys are actually together.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Rihannax  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 This messed you up, realy bad, although you accepted his proposal you never really have forgive him or forgotten, so thats y you did
ask yourself will you ever forgive or forget?
if you cant then end it, no point being in a relationship wondering all the time.
y did he do it in the 1st place, people cheat cos they aint happy with the ones they are with.
he wasnt happy with you, but wanted you cos he didnt have you.
hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (3 June 2009):
 If you tell him then im sure your be over for good, if not then he will never be able to trust you again and your be waiting for him to get back at you. I say you call the wedding off figure out what you actually want, why you cheated? what happens if you go through more rough patches do you both cheat again? I just think you both cheating means the trust is not there so why rush into marriage, do not marry him unless your 100% commited to him and you know he is to you! Your still young so you dont have to marry right now, hold it off have a long engagement until you both can sort out the issues in your relationship!
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 I think that you should put a hold on your plans for marriage and rather see a relationship counsellor to help you both sort out your problems.
I do understand that you have both made some silly mistakes and it would be better to sort out these issues before you committ to marriage.
Talk to your boyfriend, as it does sound like you have a breakdown in communication, dont panic it has happened to most of us, life gets so busy that sometimes we ignore the most important person in our world.
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 June 2009):
 No actually your whole post consists of you trying to justify it. Have you read it?
It doesen't matter. You sank to the same level as he did by cheating. revenge cheating never solves anything because the original damage is already done, and it doese'nt hurt the original cheater.
THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR CHEATING! EVER!
You are no better than he is. So stay together and marry each other. Please don't either of you visit your total disregard for honesty, integrity and commitment on anyone else.
"You don't want anyone else"?
You should have thought about that before you spread your legs for another man.
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