A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a major dilemma. I was dating a guy for two years. After a year of dating, I moved to his city and we got a place together, where we lived for a year. We had discussed marriage, kids, etc. Well back in December his mother suffered a stroke and he left to take care of her (his family is overseas. He ended up being gone for three months. When he cam back in March, it was akward. We had been apart for 3 months! I was crushed again, when he told me that he would be leaving again in a month. The weekend that he was to leave, we got into a huge fight. We were able to resolve things before he left but I never heard from him days later. Weeks went by, still no answer. Finally at the end of April, he told me he was unsure of things. I continued to beg him not to give up on our relationship until the first week of June, when he told me that it was offically over. Needless to say, I was devastated. I fell into depression for awhile as the lease was ending and I would have to find a place to move to alone. My now ex-boyfriend returned at the end of June to help me move. After that he returned overseas.Flash forward to August, I began to date a new guy, who I have been seeing for the last two months. We are not official, but things are okay.So my birthday was yesterday, and I woke up to a txt msg from my ex-boyfriend wishing me a happy birthday. Once I got to work, I had another msg from him asking me to call him. I did. He was crying on the phone telling my how he made an awful mistake but could not think straight because of the stress of a sick parent. He confessed that he learned over the last few months how much he really loves me.So now I am in a dilemma of what to do. Should I continue with this new guy, which I am uncertain of, or should I give my ex another chance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): i really, really want to agree with everyone else but i just cant. I believe in second chances...i think it depends on 1)do you love him? 2)was he good to you before this or not 3)has he been honest? If the answer is yes to these questions, then i would seriously consider taking the risk. People can change and grow and after living together for a year you should be able to sit and talk to him and have a gut feeling of where he's at. Did he learn and grow from this...you know, love is always a risk.....you know these men sweetie, its your call, but thats my opinion....
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
Oh no, not two guys with commitment issues. Fist of all, leave your ex in the past (really, leave it there) Secondly, be careful with this new guy, or you might have the same sort of problem over again. Take it nice and slow, so you don't get hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy ex is back in the US. His mother's condition has improved. I also forgot a side note about the new guy. He was previously engaged and was suddenly dumped by his ex-fiance. This has led him to have commitment issues of his own.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 CaringGuy took the words out of my mouth. You can't be any more certain of your ex than you are of the new guy.
I hope you continue to move forward, be it with the new guy or not. What would happen if another tragedy happens? Would you expect your ex to handle it differently?
After what your ex put you through, if you WERE inclined to give him another chance, I would make him work very hard for it and I wouldn’t stop dating the other guy just because your ex wants another chance.
You “begged” him not to give up on your relationship and he did. So now HE wants the relationship now and you’re supposed to be available for that?
You moved to a new city for this guy. That was a big sacrifice. I don’t think he deserves any more from you at this time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): I do understand what caringguy is saying but a sick parent is really hard to deal with - emotions are all over the place and it's such a sressful time. I have been in the same sitaution as you and took my ex back because I truly did love him and understood the pressure that he had been under. There was alot of talking and soul searching - it wasn't just a quick decision.
We split years later but I think we would have split anyway just through the natural patterns of life, there really are no guarantees on the roller coaster of love - but at that time, for me it was the right decision.
Maybe yo need to talk to your ex more - make sure its not him just having a moment of lonliness etc - ensure that he truly does want to be with you for the person that you are. If you lose out on this new guy - that is the risk that you take. You just need to make sure that you are making the right decision for you.
Take care
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
If things are going well with this new guy, why give him up for someone who lives overseas and who still isn't sure of himself. (Really, he isn't). I think you might do better to move on and focus on your new guy. You can't be certain of him, but you can't be certain on your ex either, who hurt you. x
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