A
female
age
41-50,
*ae80808
writes:Hi, I browsed on my bf's emails today. I found out that when he came back to Australia from his visit here, he bought his ex-wife a pair of shoes, clothes, etc. I read it through his reply to his daughter's email... His wife cheated on him so they're now legally separated. He always tells me before that he has gotten over her already and I believed him... well, that was before I read the email. Now I am really so confused, I feel like jumping off the bridge coz I am soooo hurt.I should've just resisted the temptation on reading thru his emails... but sometimes I really need to find out something. PLEASE HELP ME... I am really hurt right now. ;-(
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ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 You won't feel secure until he is divorced. Ask him when he's getting divorced. Separation is no good. It may be, though, that he's waiting the necessary 2 years to divorce without fault. But if she's been adulterous, he could divorce right now, citing her adultery as the reason. I think you need to ask him about this. Why is he waiting? You may not want to ask the question, because you might not like the answer, but that is the obvious question to ask.
And then be understanding. And wait if you have to - but only once you have the assurance he really is thinking of divorce. If he isn't, you're wasting your time, sweetheart - you have to let him go.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 He's not leaving you for her. Sorry, but he's not. He's just stringing you along.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hi, thanks for the answers... it helps me a lot.. it opens my eyes and mind. He used to call me a number of times everyday but these past few days, he seldom even txt me. But when he does, there's always the same sweetness... "I love you so much, pls hang on and don't give up on me..." thingy. What am I supposed to think about this? If u were me, how would you feel about this? Pls advice me some more. Thanks a lot! :-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): She still uses his name because he is still her husband. They are MARRIED.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Correction: he bought his wife shoes, clothes ect. You are involved in an adulterous relationship he is separated from his WIFE.
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (13 March 2008):
 One more thing, I think I can't be with him just yet... coz I also found out that his ex-wife still uses his family name... What do I need to ask him? I'm really so troubled... :-( Pls direct me...
If it makes you feel any better, my parents went through a similar situation. My mom left my disabled (chronic cluster headaches) dad the entire household for a guy who she knew when she was in college. Incidentally, I now live with her (shitty circumstances) and have been able to see some things through her perspective. They (my parents) are separated but not divorced (due to financial reasons) and while they do not share a life together, still stay in contact. In front of my mom's boyfriend she will openly admit that she still loves my father but things didn't work out and something was missing. She still uses our family name and still gets most of her mail sent to his house but I don't think that should be a big concern for you (it's a pain in the ass changing your name for many reasons, one of them being emotional).
Have you met this woman? Do you trust that your boy would never stray. Are you insecure about the relationship or do have a sneaking sense that something could be wrong?
-Jmo
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (13 March 2008):
no problem girlie, contact me any time.
-Jmo
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A
female
reader, mae80808 +, writes (13 March 2008):
mae80808 is verified as being by the original poster of the question One more thing, I think I can't be with him just yet... coz I also found out that his ex-wife still uses his family name... What do I need to ask him? I'm really so troubled... :-( Pls direct me...
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A
female
reader, mae80808 +, writes (13 March 2008):
mae80808 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're great Jmo... ur an angel... I think I should talk to u more often...:-) Thank u so much....
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (13 March 2008):
Maybe you don't have to tell him you read his e-mail. Maybe you can use your feminine wile (we all have it) to slyly get information from him concerning his relationship with his ex. Or maybe you could have a frank and earnest conversation regarding how you know he still stays in contact with her and it wouldn't be a big deal (unless it is) but you just want to have open communication in your relationship and don't want to feel as though the wool is being pulled over your eyes on a daily basis. It's only fair.
-Jmo
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Don't worry about accomodating other people's feelings. You can only control yours.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (13 March 2008):
Sorry you feel so bad right now - I know EXACTLY how you feel as a similar thing happened to me, only I found out his so-called 'separated' wife still thought they were happily married! And I'm pregnant with his baby.
It hurts so so bad, especially when you first find out - it is like a physical shock. But I think in your case you should talk to him about it - ask about his feelings for her. If he's really defensive, you'll probably have to pursue it further and tell him what you found. I fear he's trying to get over her with you, but it's anybody's guess if he's actually managing to do this. I'm sure he feels a lot for you, but he's torn, because effectively she chose to reject him, and he may always feel the need to win her back. Jeez. I think you're going to have to talk to him about it. This isn't one you can just live with. Do it, now.
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A
female
reader, mae80808 +, writes (13 March 2008):
mae80808 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jmo... but how will I admit to my bf that I read his emails when I promised him I wouldn't... I even swore to God I wouldn't! I don't want to lose him... what if he gets mad?
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (13 March 2008):
You should talk to your bf about this. Admit that you read his e-mail and tell him that this makes you feel uneasy. Get him to open up about why he felt it was alright to buy his ex shoes n' stuff and if he felt it was alright, why he wouldn't tell you about it. When married couples separate or divorce or whatever, there's usually a bit of residual feelings despite the fact that the relationship was hopeless. Anyways, that being said, if your bf is buying gifts for his ex and making a sad attempt to hide it, you have every right to be pissed and every right to demand an explanation.
-Jmo
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