A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello everybody i am confused about something but i will try my best to be brief in this notei have been with this man for seven years and it has not all been smooth sailing but it has been lovely for the most part, we have been very dedicated to one another and to resolving any big issues that crop up in a manner that satisfies us both. i have never thought of leaving him and he had never expressed any thought of leaving me. we love each other deeply. we have been living together for 5 years as well.about a year ago things changed though.im not sure what happened but he began acting weird.it started with him looking at porn which i was ok with at first. we watched it together a few times before though neither of us were ever especially interested in it, it was mostly experimental. but then a year ago he got really into it, it started small, and eventually i was finding receipts for cable pornography and for DVDs he had bought. i found a stash of hardcore pornography inside a suitcase that we use when we travel. there were dozens of magazines, and he had never been interested in these sorts of things before. but i dealt with it, i mentioned it to him and he said that it was just for fun... i let it go and we never had a big fight about it. plus our sex life was still good and i looked at some of the porn myself on my free time so i couldnt really judge him. but then he stopped wanting sex with me... for about 3 weeks straight he refused my advances every night. i told him he had to get rid of the porn because it was damaging us. he agreed, said i was right, and that he was bored of it anyway because it all looked the same. so we threw it away and as far as i know he stopped buying it...but our sex life didnt get better... he began to go out every night and i would ask if i could come and he would say no that it was a work related thing.. turns out he was meeting up with a woman from his workplace... i asked if they were having sex, he said no, that they were talking of work.. i believed him and let it go...skip ahead... we hadnt had sex in over 4 months... but he was still being affectionate in other ways, like hand holding, cuddling, kissing... we went on dates and hung out and everything seemed just as good as ever except that we were not having sex...anyway eventually i broke down crying and told him that i needed him to have sex with me because i felt that it was very wrong and that i needed sex. he called me selfish and said that sex was not everything. i asked him why he would not have sex with me and angrily blurted out that i was too fat and too ugly for him to look at naked.i was very hurt.later on when we had calmed down i asked why he said that and if he thought it were true. he said that no he didnt think i was ugly but that he thought i needed to lose weight. this confused me as i had not gained much weight since we started dating (15 pounds, and none within the last year- all within the first 3 years- so why was it a problem now???)anyway... i was hurt but i let it go and decided to lose weight... i lost 40 pounds, making me much thinner than i was when we started dating, i thought it would make him happy... i lost all the weight in about 7 months... i asked him if i was thin enough and if he would have sex... he was hesitant but he agreed to try... so we tried and he could not get it up, could not stay erect, and after 40 minutes of me trying everything i could... we gave up.he left the house and did not come back for 2 days. i was worried and upset. i called his cell phone and a woman answered... i asked for my boyfriend and she passed the phone to another woman... they were both giggling and sounded like they were drunk or something... i asked them where he was and they said that they didnt know, and they asked me who i was.i asked my boyfriend about it when he returned and he said that he must have lost his cellphone.anyway i dont know what to do.. im sorry that this was so long but i feel like these details are important to your understanding... he and i are very much in love, like i said, we still get along well and he treats me like a princess... except that he no longer wants sex with me. i fear that he might be cheating on me... i try to remain positive though... because he has never done anything like that before to me or to any of his other girlfriends before me. i have tried wearing sexy outfits, and losing weight, and dying my hair, and putting on makeup... he tells me sometimes that i look pretty but its never enough for him... he turns me down saying that he doesnt want to have sex with me. he is "tired" or "stressed out"... i cook him dinner i give him back massages and i offer to please him orally but he doesnt want any sex at all... i feel very hurt and confused... i love him too much to break up with him but he continues to hurt me..any advice...?
View related questions:
drunk, kissing, lose weight, porn, sex life, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): I am sorry to hear that you are having this problem,a lot of men would die to have a girl who would go to the trouble of loosing weight,and trying different ways to entice your boy friend,i am sorry to say it seems to me that he is not worth your love or the emotions that you feel for him, my advise would be to leave this guy and find someone else who would love and care for you in the same way, you would love and care for them, it may be hard to leave this heartless person, but in the Long term you will be happy that you did, this person is is taking advantage of your good nature,i would have been more than upset if two other people were giggling at me on the phone, i now it will be hard to make
the break that is what you must do for your own piece of mind and fulfillment. good luck you deserve it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): rcn has given great advice here, please take it on board and listen x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Hi Love,
Well I had it all planned out what to say and rcn has said it all for me really, I was in a relationship where my husband refused sex for oh! I cant remember for how long, He was very much into something apart from me and I new it. Took me a good while to actually pin him down with proof but I did and I didnt believe a word of what he told me, Alsorts of crap came out of his mouth love, My husband still showed me affection and didnt want me going out alone lay down all these rules for me but you cant live like this. Your fat and ugly Im sorry go on a diet Id have slapped him right there and then. And you say he treats you like a princess, sweetheart stop doing things for him and trying to make him happy he has it all by the sounds of it, And start taking care of you doing things you like without him, He is taking the major p**s out of you love believe me PLEASE TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I have to say, you are in major denial. Through out your story you suspected him numerous time about cheating. As far as I know 1+1+1 still =3. Did he come home with his cell phone, if so he couldn't have lost it. Going out in the evening to discuss work, DOESN'T HAPPEN. When someone works all day, they're not going to go out and discuss work outside of hours every night. If they did, they would have been put in a strait jacket a long time ago. 40 minutes trying to get him erect. A man turning down oral sex. You are working too hard, loosing weight, changing hair, what's next a boob job?
I'm sorry but this has got to be one of the worse cases of being uses and walked all over I'd ever heard of. He is treating you like a doormat, and you're letting him do it. Saying it's selfish to have sex. I'll tell you your boyfriend makes give men a bad name. I really can't believe no one has beat his ass for treating you this way.
Now were do you get off at all thinking it's OK to treat you this way? You deserve better. You deserve it without having to make all these changes. Cooking dinner for him, giving back massages, and he repays you by more than likely giving someone else what you've been wanting. If their was a choice to have a poster boy for being a bastard, he'd be right up in the top picks. I am absolutely discussed with how you're being treated. You need to start getting that way too. Stand up for yourself. You have the right to be happy. You have the right to be respected, and you have the right to have a fulfilling, satisfying relationship, that YES may every now and again include having sex. With this relationship you have really compromised yourself. I won't get into what my ex-wife would have done if I did this. I'm sure the girls who read your story could tell you in detail what would happen to their man if they tried to pull even a small portion of this.
Stop cooking him dinner and giving him massages. Stop allowing this treatment. You say you love him, I'll tell you love doesn't look even close to this. Hell, I think slaves were treated better than he is treating you now. Sometimes even though we have feelings for someone, we have to draw the line. We have to stand up and say NO MORE. I will not allow you to treat me this way anymore. We're in a relationship and we're having sex if I have to tie you up to get it. If you can't get it up, we can have a doctor come by and insert one of those penis pumps to get it up. If you were married, he'd actually be in a legal violation. Partners in a marriage are required to give the other person sex. Not by force, but withholding it violates their marriage.
I really don't think there is any way to look at this and believe he is not getting it somewhere else. Check as well in your state, if you do decide to leave him if it's a common law marriage state. You have to take responsibility for you life. Don't let someone do this to you. You don't deserve this treatment. Find happiness, not within this relationship, but within yourself. Build your strength, and end this behavior.
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): i think u should give him some time, dont rush...and ya not for sex, thats for sure...try to solve ur relationship first then ask for sex.....but plz give him sometime so you will know wuts going on..
...............................
A
female
reader, this_years_love  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 It may not seam like something worth considering at first, but your boyfriend may have a serious addiction.
much like drugs and alcohol, porn can give an outlet for people to escape reality. He maybe started off watching it occasionally, which is of course fairly common, but it seams that it has grown to more than that. Now he appears to have difficulty seperating real life from pornography. He may laugh it off if you bring this up with him, but he seams to still listen and care for you so ask him to hear you through and be reasonable.
what happens is the same as being addicted to a drug, except rather than being physically addicted he is psychologically addicted. he has filled his head with this industry's idea of what 'sexy' and 'perfection' are, which is completely unrealistic for any woman to live up to. it may be hard for him to differentiate between what is real life and what is fantasy-and that's just what porn is, fantasy. Now when he wants sex or is horny, instead of following what would've been his natural reaction, to make love to you, he can only think of this 'drug' if you can call it that. He gets his fix, it gives him his high, and then he comes down and wants more.
what i would suggest is MAINLY for you to not change yourself to keep him happy. Keep in mind that these women are built up like dolls with hair extensions, surgury, silicon, and more to copy a certain look...they are NOT born this way and it is un-natural... to try to live up to his standards will only hurt you and him further as he will not realise that what he is doing is wrong. the thing with addicts is that they do not see clearly, they only see themselves. he will not understand the extent to which this affects you, all he will see is that he's getting his high. i would deffinately suggest counselling with a professional who can help with this problem. seeing a couples therapist could greatly help your chances of achieving this goal, as he/she could reffer you to somebody who specializes with addiction.
best of luck, keep your head up
xx
...............................
|
