A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:She says she's confused, now I'm confused and paranoid.Hello,Currently I'm having an online relationship with someone that I met almost around two years ago. At first I was the type of guy who thought when I was a kid that I would never marry someone because I didn't like it, but until I met her and knew her true self I fell deeply in love, we've spent and done many things and we also have a lot of common (Things such as drawings, music, TV, likes, food, race) and we're honest to eachother, but we live in different countries and that has been the biggest problem in our relationship, and not because I don't want to visit her, but I have a big problem with the embassy and I can't travel to that country.To put it up briefly, we've been together for about 1 year and 9 months until recently I didn't see her online for about 2 days, she told me she was hanging out with a friend she met online two years ago and finally met in real life, I try to be an understandable boyfriend and didn't made too much of a deal at first. One time we were talking online she told me and admitted to me that she is flirting with the guy and that he is flirting with her too, she told me that she loves me but the fact that I can't be there for her is making her feel 'confused' and she is starting to like the guy (But she told me she also likes me), she's gone out with him 3 times and a 4th time soon. She told me that the guy is a very perverted guy and likes to make jokes or perverted flirting but I think that she's also letting that side of her out on him as well because of what she's told me they've been doing; they also talk online a lot.Now my problem is that she behaves differently when I talk to her now, and when the guy is online she barely talks to me and I start to get paranoid and having thoughts of whatever they are talking, when she does that I also feel ignored and I'm starting to think that slowly she'll lose interest in me. I don't know if I'm worrying too much but I have to admit that I get depressed and sad whenever I think of her going out with someone else and me, here, just realising I can't do anything because of the long distance another thing that makes me sad. And to make things even more hard to me, she completely hates it when I get sad or depressed because she says I get sad over small things and that I ruin her mood. This also hurts me because I end up thinking that she doesn't cares about what I feel or what I have to say, when I tell her how I feel with my sadness she ends up ignoring me.I would really like a mature advice on my question, I'm desperate, depressed and always having thoughts of ending in a break up, I really love her and I don't want our relationship to end like. This may sound like daydreaming but I've always thought of me and her finally meeting in real life in the future.Can you tell me what can I do in this situation? if I'm worrying too much or if I should do something?Thanks in advance for your concern.
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a break, depressed, different countries, flirt, long distance, met online Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (26 April 2007):
 I am going to be very mean here and you are not going to like it, but it is the truth. You do not LOVE this girl. Talking on the phone and chatting online do NOT equate with actual time spent in anothers presence. You need time to actually do things together, not to just talk about having done them by yourselves. You need lots and lots of time to truely get to know someone and truely love someone. Character is what a person does, not what they say or what they believe or what they say they would do. It is what they actually do. You do not know her true character because you have not seen what she actually does. She may tell you this or that, but you dont know if half of it is true or if it is just a made up online persona that she has created for you. She is a fantasy relationship, not a real one. And the fact that when you tell her you are sad she puts you down for destroying her good mood, or ignores you tells me she doesnt really care about you in the way that you think. Either that, or just has poor character. Find a real girl, honey. A girl that can atually go to the movies with you or out to eat with you or cuddle on the couch with you. A real live girl, not a fantasy.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 April 2007):
I am going to be very mean here and you are not going to like it, but it is the truth. You do not LOVE this girl. Talking on the phone and chatting online do NOT equate with actual time spent in anothers presence. You need time to actually do things together, not to just talk about having done them by yourselves. You need lots and lots of time to truely get to know someone and truely love someone. Character is what a person does, not what they say or what they believe or what they say they would do. It is what they actually do. You do not know her true character because you have not seen what she actually does. She may tell you this or that, but you dont know if half of it is true or if it is just a made up online persona that she has created for you. She is a fantasy relationship, not a real one. And the fact that when you tell her you are sad she puts you down for destroying her good mood, or ignores you tells me she doesnt really care about you in the way that you think. Either that, or just has poor character. Find a real girl, honey. A girl that can atually go to the movies with you or out to eat with you or cuddle on the couch with you. A real live girl, not a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 April 2007):
I am going to be very mean here and you are not going to like it, but it is the truth. You do not LOVE this girl. Talking on the phone and chatting online do NOT equate with actual time spent in anothers presence. You need time to actually do things together, not to just talk about having done them by yourselves. You need lots and lots of time to truely get to know someone and truely love someone. Character is what a person does, not what they say or what they believe or what they say they would do. It is what they actually do. You do not know her true character because you have not seen what she actually does. She may tell you this or that, but you dont know if half of it is true or if it is just a made up online persona that she has created for you. She is a fantasy relationship, not a real one. And the fact that when you tell her you are sad she puts you down for destroying her good mood, or ignores you tells me she doesnt really care about you in the way that you think. Either that, or just has poor character. Find a real girl, honey. A girl that can atually go to the movies with you or out to eat with you or cuddle on the couch with you. A real live girl, not a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 April 2007):
I am going to be very mean here and you are not going to like it, but it is the truth. You do not LOVE this girl. Talking on the phone and chatting online do NOT equate with actual time spent in anothers presence. You need time to actually do things together, not to just talk about having done them by yourselves. You need lots and lots of time to truely get to know someone and truely love someone. Character is what a person does, not what they say or what they believe or what they say they would do. It is what they actually do. You do not know her true character because you have not seen what she actually does. She may tell you this or that, but you dont know if half of it is true or if it is just a made up online persona that she has created for you. She is a fantasy relationship, not a real one. And the fact that when you tell her you are sad she puts you down for destroying her good mood, or ignores you tells me she doesnt really care about you in the way that you think. Either that, or just has poor character. Find a real girl, honey. A girl that can atually go to the movies with you or out to eat with you or cuddle on the couch with you. A real live girl, not a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 April 2007):
I am going to be very mean here and you are not going to like it, but it is the truth. You do not LOVE this girl. Talking on the phone and chatting online do NOT equate with actual time spent in anothers presence. You need time to actually do things together, not to just talk about having done them by yourselves. You need lots and lots of time to truely get to know someone and truely love someone. Character is what a person does, not what they say or what they believe or what they say they would do. It is what they actually do. You do not know her true character because you have not seen what she actually does. She may tell you this or that, but you dont know if half of it is true or if it is just a made up online persona that she has created for you. She is a fantasy relationship, not a real one. And the fact that when you tell her you are sad she puts you down for destroying her good mood, or ignores you tells me she doesnt really care about you in the way that you think. Either that, or just has poor character. Find a real girl, honey. A girl that can atually go to the movies with you or out to eat with you or cuddle on the couch with you. A real live girl, not a fantasy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer mcbirdie, I know I may sound obssesed over things, she has told me that she is confused and that she still likes me but also likes him. We are still in a relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend as of now, she told me she wouldn't just break up and start going out. I'm really having a bad luck with all the distance that we have and I may be obstinate but ever since we shared so much time together I've always wanted to meet her and have our relationship together.
Also I would like to say that she's had many boyfriends before, she's gone to "third base" with one and she's told me all of this because she trusts me, however it gets hard to listen to many of those things and now that this guy actually flirts in that way with her doesn't helps either. Many of her old boyfriends have broke with her because they cheated on her or found someone else 'prettier'. She's not skinny either but for some reason our online relationship made me love her for who she is, but I guess after a little time with me she recovered her confidence and wants to go out again?
The thing is, I already talked to her about it and that's pretty much all I know how she feels and whenever I tell her how I feel, that I get sad and that I can't be with her and I can't do anything right now it just gets in her nerves and gets mad, ends up ignoring me whenever I talk about that, maybe I'm not telling her in an adequate way, I don't know. But I really want to know if there's a little chance of what to do so I don't end up breaking up with her, or more likely, she dumping me. Like I said, I don't want to be obstinate but I really want to have a life with her...
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (26 April 2007):
 Oh, dear. I am very sorry that you are struggling with this situation and that my advice isn't going to be any happier for you.
Long distance relationships are very hard. Relationships that are handled primarily online are very hard. Relationships that are long distance, online only, and with little chance of happening in real life...are pretty much impossible. I am sure that you and this girl have a wonderful connection and many things in common. However, there is just no way for you to compete as a viable lover when you cannot be with her in real life. It is understandable that you want to imagine a future when you are together, but if you can never visit her country, how is that going to happen?
I am sure that she does care for you--that she has been talking to you for so long is evidence of that. But I also think that she is probably to the point in her life when she wants a partner who is able to be there in more ways than simply online. That she has met this guy so many times in real life and talked to you about the fact that they are flirting with one another indicates to me that she is already ready to end her relationship with you, but perhaps doesn't know how.
I would have a frank discussion with her. Tell her your concerns and that you still imagine a future with her. But be prepared for her to tell you that she is moving on, and be ready to accept that. When you feel your worst about losing what you had, try to remember that soon enough, you'll also have the chance to have a connection with someone who is closer to you. And wouldn't you love to be able to share all your interests with someone who can actually do them with you, rather than only talk about them online?
Best of luck to you.
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