A
female
age
51-59,
*onfusedmom
writes: I am sitting here with a very heavy heart . I have fallen for a married man and don't know what to do . To be honest I'm not sure if you'd say I was " in love " with him .... but very much " in like " . We have been friends on and off for years but have been having a relationship for almost a year . Every part of me know's it's wrong but I have such a good time with him when we're together . I know he's pretty much just using me but I continue to let him do it . He's funny , handsome and as shameful as it is the sex is great . It's like something I've never experienced !! He acts like he likes me and doesnt really want me to be with another guy but again - I know that's wrong . My emotions are everywhere over the last year because of the death of my father . I had just come out of a bad relationship and had a broken heart around the time my dad died and that's when we ended up falling into the affair . I am so tired of the whole dating scene - online datng included . So here comes this man who knew me , liked me and was just so sexy and dummy here just fell right into it !! I hate feeling like this .... I want him so bad but know it will never happen . The little bit of self esteem I have is slowly leaving and I'm left with this hollow empty lonely place in my heart and don't know what to do to get out . He only answers me when it's a good time for him and that hurts me . Like yesterday I texted him twice to see if he was coming and he didn't even have the decency to text me back !! 'm just sick that I let this happen . I know he's going to be calling but I'm so mad I want to pay him back by not answering !! I just want to be happy again !!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I did not read all the responses, and I’m sure they contain similar responses. I am currently and also have been previously in the same situation. This is not the first time that I have fallen in "lust" with a married man. I think we who are labelled as "the other woman" all fit the same profile. We are single, maybe a few years younger than the man we have fallen in love with, successful, independent in every way, desirable, uncomplicated, can talk easy about sex, fulfil their sexual fantasies, and most importantly we do not make any demands on their time. We do not fight with them, because we do not have time for that as we are constantly having sex with them. They tell us that we are so special and that we are their best friends, they can tell us all their secrets and that we are a special confidant. They make you feel as though you are "the one" in their lives, but you must remember that he will and cannot sacrifice his family and especially his wife for you. That is the one point that is usually made very clear. They make you understand that it is a pity that we haven't met at the right time and at the right moment and they let you understand that they are really sad about that! Then later you have to hear that he loves two women, his wife and you. Oh whoopee! At least I am wife number two in this harem of his! Each and every one of the men I have been involved with has thrown that line at me!!!! He also lets you understand that you will remain friends for ever even if you never have sex again! O yes and, please do not SMS them after hours in case the wife gets suspicious.So the question remains, are you going to continue to play second fiddle in this relationship, are you going to wait until he calls you when it is convenient for him, are you going to “prostitute” your soul just to receive a little bit of attention of the man you “think” you love, are you happy to be his little sex-plaything, are you happy to always keep this relationship as clandestine as possible, can you handle the stress? Then you must also be aware that there is a high possibility that you could be caught out. It happens, I can assure you it does and it is one of the worst nightmares you can go through. I have been there! Will you be able to handle that? It takes its toll on your nerves and mental health! And every time I find myself in the same situation, but I am wiser and I see the signs, I read them like a cheap romantic novel. I am 40 years old and I have been around the block; at least I am not the naive little twenty year old anymore where men can just have their way with you, sometimes they think you are very stupid!Yes the sex is good and the attention is not too bad. Compared to how many minutes per day? Maybe he makes you feel good for an hour per day and for the rest of the 23 hours a day you are miserable! Any intelligent woman out there would tell you that the stats are not looking good! I am going to drop him. Today!Good luck you gals out there!
A
female
reader, maggie777  +, writes (1 August 2009):
I can sympathise with your reasons for starting this affair. Loneliness and low self esteem are energy sapping.
I have been there myself and only ended up hating myself more. END IT NOW. For your sake. There is no other answer to this problem. Your life will not flow again unitl you do. You are stuck in a cul de sac. TAKE BACK CONTROL and your self respect will follow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): Excellent view, Eyeswideopen, what a huge amount of sense you make. It's interesting that I've never been cheated on and I have a very strong opinion on the subject. It appears that those who have been cheated on have swallowed the therapy and in some way blame themselves and appear to have a very liberal view now. As you say, Divorce is easy, so don't cheat, get a divorce and move on with your new fancy. MC xx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Who said anything about "winning"? Not me certainly. I'll even go so far as to say this, everyone involved in an affair is a loser. But there is only one victim.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 July 2009):
"If I hadn't allowed my work to come between me and my wife, she may never have sought another man's affection." Ahhh but she DID choose didn't she?! You can blame yourself and make excuses for her bad decison if you want to but lots and lots of wives of hard-working husbands chose to honor their vows. When men think with their johnsons and women think with their rachapoochies they make very bad choices. Divorce is very easy to come by these days so cheating is hardly necessary. We all make choices some make better ones than others but I hardly call a bad decision-maker a "victim".
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male
reader, cardinalvirtues +, writes (20 July 2009):
As someone married for 35 years, I probably have a different perspective from some of the people here. I am distressed when I read about cases like these. The institution of marriage must be defended, because it is the basis of the family and hence of civil society. This moral breakdown is responsible for so much of the misery we presently face, which was not present to this degree in my younger days.No one here has any right to second-guess the wronged wife. We have not heard from her. It is not fair to pretend she is responsible for her husband's behavior. Her husband has violated her in a very intimate way. Nothing she did excuses his adultery, particularly now with easy divorce. Someone said good relationships don't result in affairs. Good relationships don't result in rapes either. Do we blame rape victims when their attackers violate them? Of course not.I agree that scapegoating the mistress is not completely fair. The husband is also party to this affair. However, a woman who chooses to be intimate with a married man demonstrates contempt for the institution of marriage, by participating in the desecration of the nuptial vows. She also shows little regard for her own person and honor, granting her affections to someone unable to fully reciprocate. We can judge her actions, and indeed, our judgment is explicitly requested here. Those who believe her actions are wicked and wrong, as I do, should be allowed to say so. Moral Crusader clearly could benefit from some compassion. We all err. In affairs of the heart, it is easy to lose one's way, and we remember that emotion often overwhelms common sense. No one should gleefully anticipate Confusedmom's death. That also is wicked and wrong.But anyone who believes marriage is an important institution should categorically refuse to condone this behavior or engage in any sly games blaming the wife for not "satisfying" her husband (has everyone forgotten that marriage must be a fundamentally unselfish relationship?). Those who disagree, those who believe marriage is unimportant or trivial or can be sullied with impunity...well, you're entitled to a free view, but you must also take responsibility for the inevitable consequences of your advice.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Personal attacks with insulting, hurtful language, without any advice whatsoever other than inappropriate comments, are not tolerated here. A couple of these answers just skirt that line by offering some perspective from another point of view, but aren't so hate-filled that they can't be published, have made it through.
The point of DearCupid is to offer advice, not insults, to the people who post here. If you cannot offer advice, if you can only manage insults, then do not post on a question. I'm sorry, I know some of our aunts have been deeply hurt by other's actions and are working through some of their pain by trying to advise others, but when an answer reaches a personal attack level, it is not permitted.
So if you're wondering why an answer is not getting through, take a look at what you wrote. Is it helpful to the poster? Does it offer advice? Yes? Great. Is it insulting to the poster or other aunts? Is it designed to be hurtful or cause mental anguish? Yes? Not good. It shouldn't get through. The middle area, that murky one, is where the mods have to decide if the answer has enough "help" in it that it overrides any slightly questionable language. It's not black or white all the time.
Vilifying, threatening, or otherwise being insulting and hateful to the question asker and other aunts will get answers pulled, if they get through in the first place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): Thanks Eyeswideopen, at least someone understands where I am coming from.MC xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): I've re-read my post LVW (which is something you clearly need to do). I have NEVER been hurt by a cheating partner because it's never happened (did you see my bit at the bottom)?? The "T" I referred to is a very dear friend of mine; is this what has confused you??? My friend "T" did this with married men and I was party to the information at the time, as I was one of her best friends. Nothing to do with me or my partner so where the hell you have that idea from is beyond me. It's clear now for me that it is indeed your view that is blinkered.MC
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 July 2009):
Sorry...but all parties in an affair are victims? Baloney. The cheaters CHOSE to cheat. I'm a firm believer in human volition. There is only ONE victim and that is the person who was cheated upon. Pure and simple, over and out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): Sorry, what part of my posting does this relate to:-Moralcrusader, none of the "aunts" has vilified a wife here. You're making a deliberate false statement in an attempt to elicit resentment towards the "aunts" here, and as the story in your posting reveals, indeed you have been hurt: you have a personal agenda. I understand, and I have the greatest compassion for you and your wounds, truly.As I said in my post, I've never been hurt or cheated upon so either you have clearly read something in my posting which I clearly haven't written!! Please enlighten me?MC
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): I feel so sorry for the married women who have viewed this post and they themselves appear to be villified because clearly if their man strays, well, it's down to them really!!!. What tosh!! To those that have berated me for my opinion, I really don't understand what place you are at. Some of you haven't even responded to the OP but have berated those that have a strong opinion on this subject. Shame on you. I had a strong opinion on here which has been wiped and for that reason, I will no longer view/respond to this site (this is my swan song). An adulteress or adulterer will always be the wrong party in my book, despite whether the marriage they come between is a happy one or NOT. If it isn't happy, then it's down to BOTH partners to resolve the issue, and introducing a third party by way of an affair solves nothing. In some countries, you could be imprisioned for having an affair - so who is wrong here? And, the original poster is not happy with the situation, you can tell from her words. But LVW and a few others have, in my book, made out SHE is the victim, and she clearly isn't. I'll perhaps give you another story - my friend, we'll call her T, many years ago would have countless affairs with married men. Her reasons, with hindsight, was a cold relationship with her Father and, T was absolutely (still is but slightly older),stunningly gorgeous. An absolute head turner. If she liked someone, she went in like a heat seaking missile and NOT one married man refused her. However, when she "got" them, as it were, she just upped and left because she was no longer interested, leaving the man to try and deal with the fall-out in his relationship - did they leave their wives - of course not. Did they take an opportunity, hoping never to be found out- of course they did, she was beautiful and they couldn't resist her. If you hide behind the statement of "they can't be happy if they are having affairs", then I would say keeping together a long term partnership is difficult. Familiarity, and all those things, come to the fore, and it might take just a moment off guard to get embroiled in another relationship. However, you are morally defunct if you do that. I am happy in my partnership and have never been cheated on (that I am aware of), so my views are mine alone and not based on some internal hurt caused by past events. The problem with this site is that you have lots of different opinions which sometimes only serve to confuse the OP even more. LVW, I think your liberal views are so wide of the mark it's untrue. Moral Crusader xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): Or, there is a such thing as "natural consequences". Do nothing. Then when your suicidal and about to jump off a bridge because of all the pain your in, then write in, so we can help you. At this point, maye you do need to learn your own lesson. But I promise you, it will be much easier to learn it now then when all the crap hits the fan..so to speak.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): He is going to tell you whatever you want to hear when it oomes to his wife. There are two sides to every story, and when you are with a guy this dishonest, do you really think he is telling you the truth. You want to be happy? You know what to do. Get out of that mess you are in and find a guy who is unattached. Let some other woman be the moral filth that screws up his marriage, don't let it be you. He will tell you over and over, oh she doesn't understand me, she doesn't love me, Iam going to leave her. And how long has he been saying that? Has it happened? No, because it won't. You are nothing to him but a bootie call to boost his sagging probably aging ego. He doesn't love you. He wants it when he wants it, you are his bootie call, and he made you into a homewrecking whore...sorry, you did that yourself.
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female
reader, Confusedmom +, writes (17 July 2009):
Confusedmom is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok ... to all the people who hate me , feel sorry for me , think karma is gonna get me , ect . Well thanks for your opinions . But just so you know , what you say doesn't really make sense either . So because of girls like me your poor marriage is messed up ?? PLEASE ... I dont think so !! Take a look at yourself and maybe you can figure it out . I'm not trying to take him from anybody and if she's not doing her job then that's a problem she need's to fix . As far as someone cheating on me ?? Well it's happened and yes I know it hurts . But like I said before all situations are different so save the therapy session for yourself . I will eventually end it , it's not like I want this forever . As far as the sex thing goes ?? Well hey , like everything else - do your job , stop nagging and treat him like a man for a change ... it's a part of life and to not take care of him in ALL way's is asking for trouble . His wife does NONE of that - for her it's all an image and money that she wants . I refuse to take the blame for her life - she made it that way and doesn't even care where he is 99% of the time . Dont try and act like because your married that your somehow beter than me - I know my issues and will deal with them .... maybe you should do the same .
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): You really are full of yourself ... aren't you. I actually logged on to this site to look at my husbands affair from his mistress' point of view as i know only to well it was not her fault alone....and i too have looked at what issues were wrong in our relationship......but you moan and feel sorry for yourself and say that you too have been cheated on...so you know only too well what it feels like and yet you still done it...you atill got involved with someone elses husband....not once did you say you felt sorry for his wife that you were both doing the dirty on....not just him.....and i was well aware of certain problems in our marriage and working really hard to rectify them but it is not easy when there are three in the marriage !!!!! like you say 'marriage takes two'....yes quite right NOT THREE so butt out and go find yourself a free man
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female
reader, Confusedmom +, writes (17 July 2009):
Confusedmom is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just want to thank all the people that have been helpful and supportive . As far as the haters go ?? Well I understand if you don't agree but don't blame ME for your husbands cheating on you . Every situation is different and it's not like all YOU wives are innocent either . I've been married and been cheated on . I know it hurts and am not trying to hurt anyone else . She doesnt care what he does anyway as long as she has his money . She's not doing her part either . Marriage takes two and if your not willing to do what you're suppose to do then someone else will . He need's that attention that all you married women forget about... you slack up and take him for granted ... if you dont make him feel like a man then your going to lose him . But like I said - all situations are different - so stop blaming "us" and concentrate on YOUR issues .
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): i have recently found out that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague....i cannot begin to tell you how devastating this was......i just wanted to lay down and die.........but this was not an option as we have two wonderful children and i would never do anything to hurt them........13 years together and 8 of those married.......god it broke my heart.........we are now starting the long hard journey of rebuilding our marriage .........why cant you women like you go and find your own men instead of going for the married ones and fathers.......i find it very difficult to feel sorry for you.....being bored with the dating seen........etc.......but thats just tough
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): i have recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a work colleague.........we have been together for 12 years and married for eight of those......i cannot begin to tell how devastating it was to find out....i wanted to lay down and die.......but not an option as we have to wonderful children and would not do a thing to hurt them. so instead of feeling so sorry for yourself.......why dont you think of the poor long suffering wife and children ....should there be any.....and stop this right now.....women like you make me sick........go find your own man and leave the married ones alone !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): I don't know how to answer you. I have been having an affair with a married man for almost five years. He is never going to leave his wife. He sees me once or twice or maybe three times a week. I see him twice a week in a situation that I can't comment on. He found me, told me he watched me for a year. I do remember seeing him now but I was so hurt by my husband at the timeand trying to keep my marraige together. I did notice him eventually and asked him to help me with something and that is how it all began. I am ten years older than he is and so is his wife. She found him when he was in prison and helped get him paroled. She is a law professional. I met him after she helped get in on his feet, a career and college degree. Needless to say he is not the person she found. He loves her. They have no children and she relys on him for everything. I know everyone thinks he is awful. He is a truly nice person. Should he be doing this to either of us, of course not. His wife does not know and like I have told him, that is a blessing for her. I knew about the other women in my husbands life. I could not and cannot believe I can even be doing this. The only justification I have is that I don't know her and she does not know me. He never says a bad words about her and is very protective of her. What I have said to him is, if things were so great at home there would not be me. All that being said, my heart is breaking because I have to find the strength to end it. He won't. Although, he is not liking my attitude so much anymore. He thinks I should be happy with what he can do for me and if I'm not then I should get out of it. I am trying, but wwhen you love someone and for this long it is so hard. I will say, as bad as it is for the wife when her husband cheats, she has the power. She can let him stay or make him leave. All the support groups are for her. After playing both sides of thi...being in the role of mistress is the most lonley and heartwrenching thing I will go through. If the wife thinks she hurts...I will be hurt so much more and he won't be there to help me and hold as I get through it all alone. There is no answer that anyone can give me. I deserve all that I am getting. If this keeps anyone from falling into this trap...that is all I can pray for. I keep ytelling myself that I believe him when he tells me he loves me...he loves what I give him. What married man wouldn't. I know what she is not doing for him because I was not doing it for my husband either. I know the next man I meet will be very lucky because of the lessons I have learned. All you wives out there...what your guy wants is excitment and wonderful sex and he wants it alot. He wants you to dress up for him and make him feel like you think he is the most incredable sexy man alive. God did not make it equal for us women. That's all I can say.
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female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (29 June 2009):
 "I just want to be happy" are you happy? You are seeing a man who is by your own words using you, contacts you only when he feels like it, he leaves you hanging like a puppet, you contact him to "see if he is coming" and he leaves you sitting there - alone - waiting for him to kindly get back to his low priority woman - but he sure is a good lay (how long does that take) you are waisting your time on this man to be with him for what 30 min.
You got tired of the dating scene so you decided instead of continuing to find the right man for me, I'll just screw somebody elses man.
You said you had little self esteem left, thats because you are letting someone use and abuse you and get away with it.
I'm not trying to come down on you I just want you to re-read your post and try to make some sense out of it. You said you just want to be happy.
- does wakeing up every morning alone make you happy.
- does going to bed alone everynight make you happy.
- does needing someone to talk to and getting a reply 2 or 3 days later make you happy.
- does knowing that the man you are wasteing your life mooning over, is having a full life with his wife at home make you happy.
- does knowing that this man could take you or leave you make you happy
I'm not going to keep going because I'd be here all night. but if you want some happiness and some self esteem, dating (and I use that term loosely because I'm sure he is not with you in public on a regular basis if at all) somebody elses husband is not going to do it. You need to learn to be self sufficient and learn to be by yourself for a while. then maybe you can start dating someone who is NOT MARRIED and make something of it. if you are tired of the dating scene then stop dating for a while. you don't need a man to define you, you define yourself. and right now the definition you have given yourself is NOT flattering.
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female
reader, swtserenity0727 +, writes (28 June 2009):
Hmm..this is such a touchy subject. I agree that he is trying to escape something that is goin on at home. From what i believe people dont cheat just to do it.. there is often something lacking in their relationship.. so he is turning to u to fill that void.Is it totally sexual or is there some sort of friendship there? i feel u shud give hime an ultimatum.. this isnt a subject that is clear cut black and white. it cud quite possibly be that he wantds to be with you down the road.. but has guilt and is hesitant to leave. just because he is already commited doesnt necessarily mean it is with the rite person. then there is also the trust issue.. if he does end up with you. how much can u trust him .. knowin the circumstances that your relationship started with. basically, you have to tell him hey we have been at this for over a yr now..u shud know which direction you want to go. and make sure he resolves the issues and reasons behind his infidelity. i hope this has helped some. good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): well if you want to be happy again then you know what you need to do. the question is, will you? you seem to be happy with this married man, you do not care that he is married and s using you. you are not helpless here, you just choose to. i read your post and wonder what you really are looking for- sympathy? why? you have the power, you know exactly what you are doing, you choose to do it, you know that you are nothing but a fuck buddy for your married man, yet you continue to sleep with him, knowing full well that he cares NOTHING for you. you make this affair sound so exciting, as though he is your world. you use your fathers death as an excuse (this is pathetic). you would have f*cked with this man even if you had nnot experienced this loss. your post is blase, you have indulged knowingly and will continue to do so. why? because you can, and because you do not give a sh!t of what you are doing. each to his own. you will continue messing up your life because you have purposefully made your bed with this married man. you delightfully indulge and you do not give a hoot of the consequences.
you now expect the aunts here to wave a magic wand , and what? tell you to stop your affair? darling, only you can do this. you are not a stupid teenager, although you are acting like one. confused? no, just plain arrogant and desperate to steal someone else' man. you say you are fed up of the dating scene? so what do you do, help yourself to any man. and your married man knows this therefore he has no respect for you, he knows that you do not respect yourself so why should he. he knows what he is getting, and so do you. you know the rules of marital infedility, you accepted it so what is the problem now. you will continue your affair, the aunts here know this and so do you. perhaps you have a special magic wand to wave it and suddenly.....morality appears.........self esteem appears.....confusion disappers.......sanity returns.....fidelity appears. the ball is in your court, you should decide whether your pittance of a life with this married man is worth it? if not you should grow some morals and do the right thing, that is , if you can.
good luck
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