A
female
age
51-59,
*aymo
writes:I have been married for 15 years, have two children aged 18 and 12, and I have been having an affair for the last 7 months, and now im in a total dilemma! My husband is generally a good, honest, man, but he plays golf on his days off work and me and my youngest son are left to entertain ourselves. I am lonely (dont have many friends, because i prefer my own company) and I met a man I knew when I was younger and the rest is history. The new man loves me to bits (he,s divorced with two daughters) has his own house etc... but lives 28 miles away. I really dont know what I want? Im so confused. I think I love the new man (although I dont pine for him constantly or anything, and we only get chance to see each other two or three times a fortnight, if that!) but I just cant find the strength to let my husband go. I know im being totally selfish, and I tell myself, if i truly loved the other man, i would have no hesitation in asking hubby to leave. I am not in love with my hubby any more and barely tolerate him most of the time, but im scared of letting him go because he's so dependable etc.... Im so so confused. Im 42 years old and life is passing me by. Please can anyone give me some advice, especially if you have been in this situation yourself..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): very very selfish and cruel of you.........you cannot have your lover AND your husband.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): First off you should be telling your husband so he can make a decision on staying or not and second, why would he leave the home. You are the cheater, you leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Dear Middle aged Lady,with due respect to you and your DH, I feel that you are cheating on your hubby and your kids and your family and your conscience. You are about to destroy every thing that you have by now by the little old infatuation. Obviously i know you will do what you want to do any way, so there is not much point to advice, but stillI would say immediately stop the affair and remove all contacts with your lover. Enjoy the lovely family that you have got. You can not be sure that how the new man be when you get to divorce your DH and try to marry him. you do not have any future with new Man, believe me.. you will remember my words.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 May 2010):
Dr Psych has hit it on the head. You're saying that life has is moving on without you. That means that if you leave your husband, then you must do it for yourself and not for another man. Many have left spouses for someone else, rather than themselves, and it doesn't work out because the same problems come up again and again. This new guy could suddenly become like your husband in his ways, and then you'll be in the same situation. I'd suggest that you stop the affair and sit down and think very carefully about what you want. If you really don't love your husband, then you just move on from him and let him find someone else. If you don't and he finds out about the affair, then he will do anything to use that against you and you will be the one who looks bad in front of everyone. Stop the affair and think about what you want.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (16 May 2010):
 This is how the story sounds to me:
You love your husband who is probably a perfectly nice man. However he does not give you the attention, affection and intimacy that you long for. Feeling embarrassed/selfish, instead of talking to him about this problem, you've kept it to yourself, looking elsewhere for the attention that you want. Now you are confused because the other man has been giving you this. You don't want to lose your husband, but you don't want to lose the attention that makes you feel loved. Break off ties with the new man, at least for now. You say you don't think you love him and I agree with that. Talk to your husband, maybe go to relationship/sex counselling together, and try to resolve the problem. Let him know how you feel and find out his feelings too. Give it some time. If you try all this and still nothing changes, maybe you should consider a divorce.
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A
female
reader, Si Si  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Dear lady...from what you say it seems; You have been married for fifteen years, you are bored and lonely and feel life is passing you by. You are no longer in love with hubby,but reluctant to run off with new man {better the devil you know than the devil you don`t right?} It is never a good idea to run from one relationship into another. Totally wrong way to go about life,and you may well end up in worse position than you are in now. If you wish to change your life,and leave your husband then do it properly. Separate, and then establish a life of your own. Only then can you judge the true worth of a new relationship as opposed to a convenient refuge. There really is no short cut in this. Also please do not keep relying on a man to bring you happiness and contentment. Find ways to fulfill yourself that are rewarding and boost your own self esteem. I wish you happiness.
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A
male
reader, riv  +, writes (16 May 2010):
Why should Hubby be asked to leave exactly ? You're the one wants to break up the home shouldn't it be you packing the bags and moving into the new man's place ? Does the new man want you to move in with him full time ? I suspect not - he likes having his own place with sex a few times every two weeks. I think you should either move in with the new man if he will let you [ your 12 y\o stays with Dad ] Or you ask your Hubby if he is ok with changing the marriage into an open one so both of you can look for sex and affection outside it while still sharing a home and sons to bring up.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (16 May 2010):
 I think if you are leaving your husband then you should do it for yourself, not the other man. There is no guarantee of a future with the other man in your life - the relationship started as an affair and you may get bored of him, or he may move onto another woman. It is also complicated because he has children and so do you. You may leave in a flight of passion and in a couple of months be stuck somewhere on your own. There must have been some reason why the romance was not successful with the other guy when you were younger and single.I cannot tell you to leave your husband or not as that is your decision. It is a huge decision too because you have children and financial commitments together. I can tell you that you shouldn't leave him for another man - leave because you are absolutely sure the marriage is dead and beyond repair. I think you should give your husband the opportunity to change and ditch the affair while he does that as he sounds like an affable chap who maybe willing to adjust. If you don't do the counselling and communication with him thing then you will never know if your marriage could be changed to make you happier. The chances are that he is just stuck in his ways and needs a nudge in the right direction to improve. It takes two people to make a marriage work and if he leaves you home-alone then you need to arrange days out together as a family and make some positive effort. Life maybe passing you by at the moment but it is in your control to change that and make it happier.
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A
male
reader, cHUCK b +, writes (16 May 2010):
Talk over it with your husband..I know it wil be very hard for you to bring up the affair part so just make up your mind and tell him for the sake of love..If he does not want to work it out after, you could move to your new lover. But bear in mind that your new lover may get tired of you as time goes by because men just wanty sex if they know you are married..Just a thought.I hope I helped.
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