A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi! My girlfriend seems to have some trust issues. I got an email from a kind of exgirlfriend and when I saw it on the mailbox my current girlfriend was right next to me and saw it too. The following day she read thoroughly my mailbox looking for every message I had with that other girl since we broke up (2 years ago). She has easy access to my account on my laptop. When we talked about it she told me it's ok to check your partner's mailbox, it's not unusual where she comes from (USA). I said it means you don't trust your boyfriend if you do that. She confessed later that she had done it before, not the same way, but those times she had read the messages from few days before only, not looking for certain person messages. I don't know what to do now. She says if I don't have anything to hide I shouldn't be upset if she checks my email. She doesn't understand how bad is for me to know that my gf doesn't trust me the way I'd like to. Am I being irrational?More information, I've been with my girlfriend for a year and 8 months. I really don't have anything to hide. I've never cheated. I'm not an angel, though. She has cheated before, not to me. I trust her but we had arguments for some things of her past she didn't say until recently (she should have before) and that might be a reason she thinks I don't trust her as I did before.Thank you for reading me and answering.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 oh I'm sorry it's a CROCK OF SHIT that it's ok to check your partner's email here in the states... I have full access to my partner's email and he to mine and our phones as well but we have TRUST so we don't check...
you are right if you TRUST you don't need to check... and I not only trust but he shows me his stuff too.... he has nothing to hide...
Have you explained to her that you have nothing to hide that it's about the trust? Personally it's a slippery slope because if you GET upset that she does it, she's going to think you are HIDING something... if you are not hiding something then you need to make sure she is shown everything.
Problem is, if she is irrational about your being friends with an ex (and I can see that being an issue for an insecure person), no amount of disclosure is going to assuage her feelings.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Anonymous female: Judging by the number of people who have that behavior, you'd think otherwise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): She was out of line. You're entitled to privacy even when your life is an open book.
BTW, while many people in the US check their partner's email, it is not considered normal behaviour here. At least, not to everyone.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 November 2011):
Hey, español: it's a matter of perspective, and also a matter of trust. In your world and mine, her checking your e-mail means she is very intrusive. Like your mother, only worse. In the world of English speakers, this seems to happen very often. But you don't have to be the way someone else is. If you don't like her checking your e-mail, tell her "I don't like you checking my e-mail. If you trust me, you won't check it" and then change the password.
She's very likely to blow her top over that and will probably leave you or monitor you in other ways. So you have to decide whether you like this or not.
I beg to disagree with questionable. Kinda. Her checking your e-mail does not have to mean she likes you. It might only mean she's controlling. THAT said, I assume she likes you, since she's been with you for a while.
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A
female
reader, questionable2009  +, writes (21 November 2011):
Of course you have a right to feel this way.
I am a girl, and i admit I have trust issues. THis is because I was cheated on in the past. But each person in a relationship has a right to their privacy.
The issue is not that she can easily see what is being said, and you aren't worried by this. The issue is that she struggles to trust you. She is looking for the worst, and its normal to be like this in a relationship.
I can understand your ex is an ex, but sometimes ex's are better left in the past. To your girlfriend, she is feeling threatened that you are messaging ex girlfriends. She wants to make sure there are feelings not there. She won't admit it, but the fact she goes through your personal messages is enough to show that she is just checking she won't be cheated on, or lied to.
This means your girlfriend really does like you. If it bothers you a lot, maybe its time you sat down with your girlfriend and explained that there is no feeling whatsoever with your ex, and you'd be happy to stop replying to her if it bothers her that much. Tell her how it makes you feel, that she is checking up on you and that you feel to be stable in the relationship, she needs to trust you fully. You cant make her trust you, but you can be understanding and open with her, so she has no reason to take a step backwards instead of forwards, towards trusting you.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Off course you are right to feel this way. You are entitled to your own privacy even if you are in a relationship. Tell her you find this unacceptable and either she trusts you or not. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you are not entitled to your privacy. Either she trusts you or not. So change your passport and don't let her on to your facebook again.
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