A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Been with gf nearly 5 years now. Last 3 years the relationship has slowly died out.We have sex onece a month now ifI'm lucky, but she only does it for me. She makes no effort to participate, all she does is lay there until ive finished then gets dressed.She shows no emotion or affection to me and only visits once or twice a week. When I ask why she is with me, her answer is, 'I've made my bed so now I have to lie in it'Ive talked about ending it and her response is 'You've ruined my life and if you leave me I will never forgive you!' She says I ruined her life because she had to give up some friends to be with me, but that was her choice because it was easier than telling them she was with me. She leads 2 lives, one with her family and remaining friends who know nothing about us being together and think she is single, and the other with me.I have asked when she intends to tell them and her reply is 'never' because they will disown her. I dont know why, cause they dont know me! Her plan is to eventually cut ties with everyone and be with me. Not my suggestion, but hers. I cant see why she would have to cut ties with anyone, theyd either accept us or not. But while she waiting to cut ties, she's making new friends at her new job, and they all think she single too. She wouldnt make new friends only to cut ties with them would she?!My gut feeling now, and for past 3 years, is she is just stringing me along because she doesnt want to be alone, and she thinks she will be if I ever leave. All my family and friends, even my 10 year old son, tell me to leave her and walk away.Please, what are your thoughts on this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I am surprised you have stayed with her for so long since the costs being with her outweigh the benefits. Being with somebody like that does nothing for your sense of self worth and you are not deserving of the way she is treating you. It sounds like you have issues with attachment in order to have tolerated this for so long. You may try to justify that you are with her because you love her, but in reality you would do far better without her.These types of relationships are very dysfunctional and hinder your personal growth. I know very well how you feel because I was in a similar relationship for 4 years. I felt that my ex was dragging me along because he was afraid of being alone. All it did was affect my self esteem and prevented me from overcoming many of my own personal obstacles. Eventually we broke up and I have realized that I had depended on him for happiness when in reality the only person that was responsible or able to make this happen is myself. Life has been far better without him.Please take a step back and consider your options. Do you really want to continue being with somebody who does not respect you or love you? Better alone than with bad company. Things are not going to change for the better so free yourself now.
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (15 December 2011):
Wow. Leave. Immediately.
Look, this is an unhealthy relationship by all means. She doesn't show any interest or love towards you and has basically admitted that she's only with you because she's lonely and thinks she doesn't have a choice but to follow through with what she started.
Don't let her threats get to you. Who cares if she never forgives you? Push back! Tell her that you'll never forgive HER for stringing you along for 3 years in a completely loveless and emotionally abusive relationship. She has no reason to be upset with you, the burden lies on her.
So leave. Please leave. You'll be so much better off. You can do so much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): Your family and friends are right and they should know. Why waste any more time on her? The relationship clearly is not working for either of you. End it and start afresh.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2011):
I would leave her well behind.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (15 December 2011):
 oh dear
your gut feeling is correct. She is staying because its easier to know someone loves you than to go it alone.
Leave her, now. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): You haven't said why she doesn't want her family and friends to know about you? What are her reasons? Why would they disown her?
I assume some of her friends knew about you since she cut ties with them?
I can't give any advice except that the whole situation sounds crazy to me and I would end the relationship.
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