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Getting married soon and have proof that he slept with an ex while on business!

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 August 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 6 September 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Dear friends,

I'm getting married in September. My fiance has been on a business trip and i have firm evidence that he slept with his ex girlfriend. I really dont know what to do and how to react. Shall i confront him? Shall i even cancel my forthcoming wedding? I'm really devastated and i dont know how to react. I would really appreciate your advice.

Many thanks and i look forward to hearing from you.

View related questions: ex girlfriend, fiance, his ex, wedding

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2010):

Sweet-thing agony auntI would call off the wedding!!!! No dobut about it. He has a different set of standards going into this relationship than you do...Than most of us do. He thinks it's okay to bang someone because he "needs sex" and you weren't around. If you marry this guy, he will have a string of "just sex" encounters when he chooses; when you're on your period; when you're pregnant with a high risk baby and can't have sex; when you're in the hospital; away visiting your family. You'd be a fool to marry this guy. Please set him free and move on. Your Mr. Right is still out there. Keep looking!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010):

Gamine, as always excellent post.

i just thought of this OP:

this man could not wait to have sex for 1 week. has he never heard of masturbation, ph sex with you and the like.

whats going to happen if you have a virginal infection and cannot have sex? some women don't like/eant sex while on a period?

what happens if you are pregnant? after the birth he has to wait a while before sex?

then what ? he bangs anything and everything just because you are not available for sex. is this called love?

Girlfriend, wait before you make the biggest mistake of your life. this also boils down to respect and trust and both is missing from this man.

you sound like an awesome person, wanting to do the right thing, so believe in yourself and respect yourself enough though he does not. love yourself enough to say i am more worthy than you think i am.

good luck with whatever you do but know that sometimes things are doomed right before they happen. this sex with an ex is an eye opener for things to come with him. he is not exclusive. i asked how many more women has he slept with while on business away from you. plse do not believe only this once.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (20 August 2010):

person12345 agony auntI'm not sure what you should think or what I would do. The fact that he's trying to excuse it shows a pretty big lack of remorse. It's good he came clean though. It's really your call. All it really comes down to is do you think you can ever trust him again? Because if you can't, then there's no more relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

He is just so blase about this isn't he? So why don't you go out and have a good fuck and tell your fiance it was pourely sex and nothing more. Would he be so foolish and accept your excuse or would he kick your ass out of his life? I aqm be wrong but seems as though you are ready to walk down the aisle with your cheating fiance. You are setting a precedence for your married life. You decide whether to have an open marriage upfront bec you will be sharing him with others.this man is not ready to be faithful to you . You need to ask him how many others he has screwed around with while being supposedly exclusive with you .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear friends,

many thanks for your thoughtful pieces of advice. I have actually confronted my fiance and he admitted cheating on me. However, he tried to justify this by saying that it was his ex girlfriend that made the first move ( in terms of contacting him for a drink) and that he had sex with her simply because he was away from home for a week so he needed sex..He told me that it was nothing more than a physical encounter and has no feelings for that girl (she was just available as he put it).I told him that i need some space in order to think through the situation and contmplate whether i want to proceed to this wedding in September.What would you do if you were in my shoes? forgive and forget so as to be able to marry him or leave him..your objective insights and advice will be highly appreciated!!many thanks...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010):

confront him now and then decide about the wedding.if she is already cheating on you now, this is the way forward in your marriage as well. you will be all nerves everytime he goes away on business and you will always distrust him. better do the confrontation now than be saddled with a cheating spouse later. be prepared for lies and half truths. he will not readily admit to having sex with his ex. also do not implicate his colleague and drag her into this mess.good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010):

If not cancel then please postpone. Yes, not all infidelity is cause of breakups and some relationships can be salvaged if significant time and effort is achieved and the relationship is worth saving. Confront your man, and if he admits to cheating then that's the first step, however I think 1 month is too short a time period to assess if he really has 'changed'. You could always state financial difficulties if you don't want people to know, theres nothing worse than busybodies butting into your relationship and spreading their toxicity. Good luck and postpone.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (15 August 2010):

Sweet-thing agony auntIf you call off the wedding without talking to him, you'll never feel like you have closure on this relationship. In the back of your mind, you'll always wonder what he would've said, or offered as an explanation for the information you have on him. On the other hand, if you confront him he may find a way to talk his way out of this mess, and to somehow convince you that "nothing happened" and they just went up to his room "talk" and you will have no choice but to accept his explanation, however lame it may be and try to get past it. Unfortunately, every time he goes on business after that, you're going to feel a bit insane, wondering what's really going on. There are no easy answers here, just fine one that feels right and move forward. Once he's confronted, you may discover that he's really not ready to settle down at all....That would be my guess.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Many thanks for all your thoughtful rensponses. You have asked me how the relationship has been. Well, we have been together for 2 years and we are getting married next month. Our relationiship is very good both in social and sexual terms. We are both professionals with quite heavy work schedules, but we always find time for each other. We have been living together in my apartment for a year.

the evidence of cheating came from his business mobile phone that he accidentantly left in the kitchen. We are always curious checking out our partner's mobiles when being in this situation, but to be honest with you, the curiosity was more about his work related stuff, i did not expect to find a text message saying " Hi baby, back to the city, shall we meet up for a drink?xx". And the conversation goes on until the drinK was eventually arranged. What i did afterwords, was to contact his collegue with whom my fiance travelled with on this business trip. She' s a nice lady whom i know quite well through my fiance. I was honest with her so i directly asked her whether there was anything else i needed to know. She was a bit hesitant at start but then she told me that she only saw him with his ex girlfriend going back to the hotel they were both staying, whilst she was by the pool smoking at 11.30 pm. She recognized that she was his ex girlfriend because she has very long blond hair and she's quite tall.My question is, if he still has feelings for his ex why on earth is he getting married to me in a month's time? I really dont know what to say or what to do. He's 37 and i thought he was mature enough to settle down and be faithful to me. but it seems that he's still on the look. So my dilemma, is whether i should confront him or cancell the wedding and walk away. My fear is that if his cheating on me now even before getting married, things will get really worse when we get married. what do you think?? many thanks...

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (14 August 2010):

Sweet-thing agony auntWe cannot tell you how to react to such a violation of trust. What is your deal-breaker? Sleeping with an ex, or any woman other than me, would be a deal-breaker for me I'm afraid. Personally I think you're still in shock! Just make sure you are concrete with this assumption and not just connecting all the wrong dots. (When in doubt, rent that movie "Chloe" to affirm just how woman can jump to the wrong conclusions and do really bizarre things. Then if you are really, really sure, you should probably confront him. I think he should know damn well why he's getting left at the alter, so-to-speak. And while your at it, wouldn't it be a hoot if you just kept quiet until the wedding day, and then instead of showing up, you simply sent a nice message in a beautifully sealed envelope that would be delievered to his dumb ass as he's standing there with the minister and a room full of guests and when he opened the envelope you could say "Thanks for sleeping with "X" when you were away on business. You are BUSTED! and P.S. I'm calling off the wedding." Now he can face all those people and feel embarrased and humiliated.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

How is the relationship? Cheating occurs for diff. reasons and I know that people will scream that there is not reason to cheat in a relationship EVER, but that just isn't true in all cases. Yes, cheating is a form of dishonesty, but the reasons as to WHY the cheating occured is just as important. For instance, if a man or woman cheats in a relationship because, they are being neglected by they're spouses emotionally, mentally and physically and this is AFTER they have spoke to the person about the problem and have sugge. solutions, but nothing is being improved. Even a person who normally doesn't cheat, would probably do so in that case. I am not saying this is right because, it's not, in addition, I think that neglected the needs and some wants of your gf, bf, or spouse is cheating in itself...it doesn't have to be sex with another person to qualify as cheating b/c the fact that emotional, mental and physcial stimulation is lacking or being del. withheld from one is cheating..you are cheating that person out of a decent and healthy relationship, you are cheating that person out of happiness.

On the other hand, some people cheat because, they get bored and want something new, some cheat because, they still have feelings for an ex, some cheat because, they like the thrill of doing something "bad" or "naughty" and getting away with it, some cheat b/c they have low self esteem and want to be vailidated over and over again by as many people as possible, some cheat because, they don't love they're spouses or sig. other enough to be faithful, some will cheat because, they are in a bad relationship, but religious "rules" or "laws" cite that God is against divorce, so they stay married, but will cheat to make themseleves feel better or cope with having to be in this situation until the day they die, some cheat because, they may have a sick parnter who is unable to perform sexual acts and etc. So as you can see there are various reasons why people cheat...and yes GOOD AND DECENT PEOPLE WILL CHEAT; it's not always the low down and no good individual who cheats. It really depends on the person and the situation.

Calling off your wedding and confronting your fiance about his cheating is up to you. If it were me, I would def. make it known that I knew about his dirty little secret. Do you think he still have feelings for his ex? How long have you guys been together? Have you had any other problems in your relationship?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

If I were in this situation I would take my time. first thing you need to do is sit yourself down some where he isn't and do a bit of deep breathing, some meditation and think about how you feel about this situation. second you should probably talk to your parents (mum) and see what they think because they will be the ones chaught up if he really did cheat. Thirdly if you think its right sit him down in a comfortable place, but not the bedroom, and start with this line "I need to talk to you and you need to listen, what I need to say needs to be heard". If he interups you tell him to listen and he can speek after the most important thing to watch out for is his temper because he may get angry at what your going to say. make sure you don't yell at him or show any anger but you do need to show him and tell him how you feel. before you do any of ths you must make sure you have your evidence and make sure that it is right. you must or your partner may think you don't trust him if you are wrong ant it will go totaly awall. what you do after is obviously your choice whether you chose to call of the wedding or after it get some marrige counciling what you do is your choice. you deserve to know what happened so take control of the situation and do your best.

Good luck and i'm really sorry this happened to you.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (14 August 2010):

person12345 agony auntNo one can tell you what you should do, but you should probably confront him if you're absolutely sure. What evidence do you have that's so concrete? Someone who sleeps with an ex then lies is probably not the kind of person you want to marry. If he came forward with it immediately, crying and groveling, I'd say you might want to consider forgiving him (taking things to the next level of commitment tends to make certain types of people cheat). However, if he lies about it, denies it, tries to get away with it, then there's probably no hope. I'm so sorry this happened, that's really terrible.

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