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Why do men stop trying after the relationship no longer brand new???

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 August 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 14 August 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, *akeisha writes:

hello all,

I'm 21 years old and i have been with been with my boyfriend for almost three years and we have two little girls together. we fell so deeply in love with each other but now, our relationship is without romance or fun. at this point, i think he has the idea that he doesnt need to put in the effort anymore that it takes for me to feel wanted in this relationship and to be honest, i dont kno how long i can be in a relationship and i dont know if my boyfriend is actually in love with me.

he used to know how to say thing that would make me melt and i used to feel so lucky to be with him but now, he never opens up to me. he is so distant. i feel like an old women sometimes because we lack that spark in our relationship that was once so bright.

today i decided to tell him how i feel and the only thing he could tell me was, "i dont know what to tell you" so now im stuck feeling like im in a relationship with a man that i feel is looking through me instead of at me. this situation has gotten so bad that i dont even feel comfortable being naked around him anymore because he used to tell me that i was so sexy and i was beautiful and now that i havent heard anything sweet from him or i havent felt he has put in any effort, i feel the need to cover up. i dont kno how he feels about me anymore.

my question is... why do men feel that they dont have to work as hard at their relationship when it is no longer new? why dont men realize that when you are in a relationship, you have to work to get in and work to stay in? why is it always women who try harder to make their relationship work and men say stupid things like "i dont know what to tell you" when they used to be able to sweep a girl off their feet?

i dont about other women, but after becoming a mom, its hard to look at myself in the mirror and tell yourself your sexy, and now i just feel like a mom all the time with no "sexy lady" breaks in between. im only twenty one and i feel like a woman twice my age. am i asking for too much? i really, really need some advice!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

It kind of works both ways there.

Women too stop making the effort, my girl used to dress up to meet up with me, all the time trying to look her best for our meetings for about a year. Now she only gets dressed up when we're going out and dresses her sexiest when she's going out with the girls. She doesn't groom as often as she used to, she doesn't mind letting out farts or burps around me and she's even gained a little more weight. I don't mind any of this at all, our relationship has evolved into a deeply loving partnership. There's no need for her feet to be swept away all the time now because the honeymoon is over, we're building a life together now and have different priorities, but we have a date night set aside for romance once a week, it's just the two of us doing the things we enjoy together.

The excitement of the new relationship has gone but has been replaced by dependence, we need that night together to reconnect as a couple emotionally after our week is finished. Missing date night sucks ass for both of us because while it might not be exciting anymore it is still the thing we look forward to. It's the only night we turn off our phones and we talk about every little of what happened during our week and how we feel about things and talk about things that are bothering us.

I think you've become emotionally detached from him somewhat. I think you both need to set aside some time for each other, just the two of you without the child or interruptions. Basically you need to start dating again. You might spend all your time with him, but when's the last time you both did something outside of your routine, or did something fun and exciting? You need to get that back and start talking to each other again, if the relationship is in a rut then spice it up. If he doesn't respond to this or isn't in favour of it then you have a deeper problem on your hands.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

I want you to go to and purchase a book called "Why Men Marry Bitches" by Sherry Argov. This will give you insight on how to keep things balanced in a relationship so that you do not get taken for granted on a constant basis. The last thing you want your husband to think is that he can now be lazy in the relationship leaving all the "work" up to you. Sherry Argov also has another book called "Why Men Love Bitches." You will probably pay not more thatn $31.00 for both books.

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