A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I have a problem and I don't know what to do I am in a fwb with a man for the past 11 months we started sleeping together and naturally after a few months my feelings grew stronger for him I don't love him but I really like him I talked to him about this he says he would like us to be a proper couple one day which I would love but he has trust issues that's why he doesn't want a relationship till he sorts them out we have also agreed. Not to see anyone else either of us which I am happy with but he has accused me a couple of times of seeing someone else even though I haven't I have never cheated on anyone I know it wouldn't be cheating as were not together but I wouldn't anyway how can I make him see that it is only him that I want how can I make him see he can trust me is there anything I can do you people reckon I don't know what to do anymore thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 After a year of having sex with a guy, you have tacit permission to have 'the talk.' You know, the 'where is this thing going' talk. If you're too afraid to have the talk for some reason, well, then there is something either going on in your head or there is something wrong with the relationship.
"John, we've been having sex/fooling around/being intimate/whatever words you use to describe it for nearly a year now. I've developed feelings for you and the casual basis of the relationship isn't going to work for me any more. I'd like you to become my official boyfriend--we're good together and I enjoy your company--so have a think about that. I'm not asking you to say 'yes' or 'no' right this minute, I want you to take some time and decide if you are ready to take that step and make this an official boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
"I know you are concerned that I'm seeing other people. At this point in time, I am not, and have not, not since I've been seeing you.
"But, and here's the 'but,' I am not going to stay exclusive to you if you can't take this next step. I want a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and if you won't be able to be in that, I will sadly have to move on."
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That's one way to start the discussion. It is an ultimatum as I've written it; you are of course to put that into your own words and if I didn't capture your true feelings, you change it up.
The point is to be clear with him about what you want and you do not have to apologize for wanting a relationship.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing none of us planned to become fwbs it just sort of happened really we never talked about it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): While you are with him, not loving him but liking him, having sex with him but not being in a real relationship,bu still acting as though you are and waiting for that "one day" your life is going by.
Defining what you have as fwb, whether you're both free to see others or not, doesn't avoid the emotions that can happen.
If you can't be in a relationship from the start, if it's defined as fwb or some thing less than a bf/gf, it' just worth the time, energy and everything else you put into it. I'm not sure which one of you wanted this situation but clearly you're not happy with it so it's time to move on from this.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 I agree with most of what has been said and I'll add a few thoughts of my own.
Your life would be so much easier if you recognised 'trust issues' for the narcissistic self indulgences they really are.
When someone declares these insecurities it is their subtle way of letting you know a relationship with them won't be a two way street. Think about it. If you and a friend were going to move a piece of furniture and that friend told you they had a sore back, you would understand that to mean you will be doing most (if not all) of the heavy lifting. So too with trust issues.
Fear and uncertainty are a part of everyone's lives, but your quasi-boyfriend arrogantly assumes that HIS pain and HIS suffering and the wrongs that have been done HIM are so much worse than anything anyone else has endured.
Overcoming our fears is our own personal assignment. There are no shortcuts and no one else can do it for us. If you broke your leg would you send a friend to physiotherapy?
And I'll tell you what I've told others. The best way to help him overcome his trust issues is to treat him as though he doesn't have any. Pandering to them only reinforces them. It encourages a false sense of security by allowing him to use others as a crutch instead of relying on himself.
If he isn't ready for a relationship then fair enough, but he shouldn't receive all the perks of one. Only those willing to sow are entitled to the rewards of the harvest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): Next time he says some insecure bullshit just let him know that you can't cheat on an FWB. It's in the rules OP. I don't know why you decided to be exclusive FWB's that just means he gets to keep you as his fuck buddy and you can't move on, but he's not going to be your boyfriend either because he's a whiny little prick. "Oh poor me, I have trust issues, I want my mommy."
OP woman up and get what you want from him or move the hell on and find a man to date. This fragile little boy needs a mother not a lover.
He's been playing with you for 11 months now OP, shit or get off the pot. He either commits to you properly or you walk. Or the third option is you can keep on going with this crap.
I dumped a good friend recently who's in this kind of situation. I simply got sick of listening to her whine about this loser she loves who won't commit and who has been using her for the past 6 months. I told her to give me a call when she's dumped him. I have a very low tolerance for people who whine about things they can change but don't want to because it's not the change they want. So either get this guy to commit or just stop complaining OP. For 11 months life, love and other guys have passed you by while you fight to make this loser more secure but he's even less secure than he was when you started. So what now OP, what now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): They say men have sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.Seems he found love. Ooops was that not what you were looking for...It seems that he wants commitment, could be for just his health, or because he has found love.Guess you'll have to both sit down, (at a table) and discuss how this issue has come to re-defining your relationship.Sex is what brings people together if it's on a regular bases more than anything. People who don't see that are fooling themselves. I also think that many people use it as such, especially if they are more intune with their sexuality more than other parts in their lives. Some people hate crowds but are very comfortable naked with another. It's often about comfort levels. If you both are flying inlove, so be it, it happens, talk about it, ride with it. But don't be surprised if it's love and it gets more difficult, you are now two vulnerable souls in a fish bowl.. not alot of room to move, guess your going to have to be really naked if that's the case. Which is yet another reason why FWB's gets a little crazy.Every man has sex but not every man has sexxx. It's a crazy train, just don't stand in front of it when it comes. Climb aboard if you wish, you might be glad you did.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 January 2012):
He wants a FWB but expects boyfriend/girlfriend type of fidelity from you? He's fooling himself and you.
If you want to be a proper couple, and you've asked for that and he's said 'no,' um, time to move on. Why take scraps when you KNOW what you want? Why tolerate jealousy from a guy who won't commit? That's a ridiculous demand on his part.
Time to end the FWB. If he wants to date you, fine. You know what you want. Why settle for less from a jealous commitment phobic guy? Especially jealousy? From a guy who only wants a FWB? Really? Astounding, the chutzpah!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 January 2012):
 FWB- Casual sex, no strings attached, and zero emotion. Basically 2 people who have nothing but a sexual arrangement.
A relationship- You're officially boyfriend and girlfriend, faithful, trusting, go on dates, hold hands, and there's emotions for one another.
This guy is fusing the lines of FWB and relationship.
You can have an exclusive FWBs in which you're protecting your health, i.e. no STDS. If one or the other goes outside of that exclusive agreement putting the other's health at risk, then he/she has every right to be pissed. But that's the only exception. In which it's not the case here.
I don't understand how you're good enough for a FWB, but not good enough for a relationship due to his trust issues.
Making the rare transition from FWB to relationship isn't a smooth one. It will most likely not work out. Especially if he's acting like some jealous boyfriend atm.
To answer your question, you don't have to prove squat to him..because you AREN'T in a relationship. You need to tell him that, also point out this is a FWB, not a relationship. He needs to stop confusing the two. I'd also end this FWB, because it's not going to blossom into a lovely relationship. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 FWB is se without emotional ties. He is dangling the concept of a real relationship sometime in the future to keep you giving him sex.
FWB also doesnt mean being seually exclusive, him accusing you of cheating is just another way he has of ensuring you will be availble to him only for sex rather than you having the chance of finding somebody who will offer you more.
My advise is to leave him, there is nothing for you there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): you may not be 'together' as in highly involved in each other's lives and making promises to continue into long term future, but as fwb there can still be the expectation of monogamy while the fwb arrangement is in effect, because of health risk reasons and transmission of STDs.
if he has trust issues it's good that you're not in a 'real' relationship because that will just create a lot of drama and misery. as it is he's already doing that now.
I suggest that you just reassure him but only up to what is reasonable. beyond that, his trust issues are his own to deal with.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (14 January 2012):
 Well he said he has trust issues and you are seeing them first hand.
There is nothing you can do to make someone who has trust issues trust you as their issue is with themselves and not you, therefor changing your behaviour would not change the problem.
You can try sitting down with him and trying to explain that you have not seen anybody else and also that you are not in a relationship so it is not his place to accuse you like this and then see how he is after that.
Just remember if this is how he is before you are even in a relationship can you imagine what he would be like in one.......
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