A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm presently in a difficult situation.I go out in a large crowd to gigs and one night one of my friends brought along a pal to see the band. Well it was like someone had put Rohypnol in our drinks, this guy and I couldn't stop looking at each other and at the end of the night exchanged phone numbers.Next day I was telling my friend about this great new guy I'd met...which is when she dropped the bombshell and told me that he was married.I should have left it there....ignored him when he called, erased his texts without reading them.....but I didn't. I persuaded myself that he was just a friend, and we were doing nothing wrong chatting about music and stuff. Then he suggested we meet up for a drink (as friends) and it was the 'Rohypnol' thing all over again.....we couldn't keep our hands off each other.So we've started a relationship.He calls me every night after his wife has gone to bed (she goes to sleep at a crazy early time) and we talk about everything and anything for hours and hours. The two of us have grown incredibly close emotionally, he’s told me all about his nightmare marriage and I tell my troubles to him.We meet from time to time, for lunch, for a drink after work....he even comes by my house occasionally for coffee…..but there's not been anything sexual.....just kisses and a bit of teen-like fumbling.The night we met he was a married man looking for a bit of a thrill……some kind of flirty-friendship that would give him a lift and spice-up his unhappy existence. He probably figured I’d provide some amusement and distraction from his problems and boost his self-esteem. He didn’t expect feelings to get in the way………and now he’s scared.I’ve fallen for him big style and want to sleep with him.....but he refuses….tells me that although his marriage is washed-up, he has to do what's 'right'. Says he wants to 'jump ship' ....but fears the consequences both financial and in terms of what it would do to his family if he left.We tried to stop…………….no more late night phone calls, no more emails, no more text messages………but missed each other dreadfully. We give each other so much in terms of affection, companionship and emotional support……we ended up resuming contact.But what exactly are we?He calls us 'Friends - with potential benefits' which I suppose means that if he ever manages to leave the marriage.....we’ll be lovers.But we’re NOT friends.And we’re not lovers either.I’m in a kind of limbo.Mr Married tells me that I deserve better than him, that I deserve a man who is free to be with me and will treat me as I should be treated. But if I mention that someone has asked me out, he goes into agonies of jealousy, saying he couldn’t bear to see me with someone else.Sometimes I feel as though I'm a toy......that he plays with me when it suits him then puts me away and scuttles back to the safety of his marriage.He won't sleep with me, cause as long as he doesn't go that far he's 'safe'....he hasn't technically done anything wrong. Which leaves me where? I'm not exactly 'just a friend' but not quite the 'other woman' either.I’m not going to fall into the trap of waiting for ever for this man to ‘jump ship’ on his marriage..………I need to establish a time limit. I was thinking would six months be fair…..
View related questions:
flirt, jealous, married man, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your advice.Well, it's all over. The other morning he rang me, things had been very strained at home over the previous few days and his wife had scheduled 'a talk' for when he got home that evening. I told him it was his golden opportunity to tell her how he felt and instigate the separation he wanted.Well, late that night he rang me....they'd had their talk and nothing had been resolved. She'd had a rant at him...he'd molified her.I lost it.....said he'd wasted his big chance to walk away....and that maybe the truth was he didn't actually WANT to leave.....even though living such a miserable half-life was killing him. I told him that for me it was like watching someone destroy themselves with drink or drugs.....at 46 his life was slipping away, being squandered on a relationship that only made him unhappy. Said I wasn't prepared to hang around whilst he did that.He didn't argue, he knew I was right.He's got a lot of 'stuff' to sort out and its not going to resolve itself quickly one way or the other.So we're cutting contact.....no more emails, phone calls or texts - until he's in a position to offer more than just friendship. And he hasn't asked me to wait for him - he knows it wouldn't be fair to me. It will be his loss if by the time he's free I’ve found someone else; he'll just have to deal with it.As for me.......I just have to get on with things without him.....which won't be as hard as I once feared....cause if I'm honest here, I never really HAD him, did I?
A
female
reader, happy24birthday  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Six months is more than fair, especially for him. The longer you're in it the harder it is to get out. Think about that and maybe reduce the time limit. Was that your only question? You seem to have a grasp on how all this is working otherwise.
...............................
|
