A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is it with you women? I know it's a woman's option to change her mind, but....Poor guys on here get so mixed up by you lot! Half the time you tell us to "hang in there, be their friend" when we like someone but the other person is with someone or isn't sure or whatever. Then half the time it's "you have no chance, you're stuck in the friend zone now"!So, should we be your friends or not? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (19 April 2010):
Well I agree with you but I think it applys to both genders? When we mean Yes = No and No = Yes: to confuse things we say well mnot at the moment I am just getting over ?????????? Once again that I fear means 'No'?
ANY ADVANCE ON THESE VIEWS?
A
male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (19 April 2010):
 My friend, never "hang in there" until she's ready because that makes you a desperate pirate on her feminine noose. Do not friends with her, because then you become the friend she goes to when the guy whose in her pants hurts her feelings. You become the feelings guy A.K.A the other guy's unintentional wingman.
Don't get mixed up, here's the general rule: Now or Never.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I've never told anyone who was interested in someone to just "hang around and be their friend" because that is a recipe for heartbreak. I sincerely doubt that you have seen a "lot of women" here do the same.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I can tell you my approach.
If I fancy a girl then I make that clear, albeit not too pushy... and if she doesn't like me then she doesn't like me. I don't think we can control who we are attracted to: we are are or we are not.
If she isn't into me but wants to be 'friends' then it depends on whether or not I want to be friends. New friends takes time... to be honest I have plenty of friends and little time for any more. If I'm interested in her it's because I want a girlfriend, which is different. I can have time for a girlfriend but not new friends, if that makes sense.
So mostly I just back off. What I don't do is hang around like a puppy hoping for some table scraps once she decides she's over 'bad boys' or whatever. If we become friends, it's not because I have a hidden motive of getting together with her. Friends = friends, a relationship is off the table. I'll be looking elsewhere for a relationship.
But mostly I just disconnect. If she then keeps trying to make contact with me, I make it clear I'm looking for a relationship. Since that's not what she's offering, it's game over really. I have found that this has caused a few women to change: lack of interest and unavailability has a curious effect on desire sometimes! But that's not the intention: my intention is simply to move on.
I think that's the simplest and most honest way to handle it. Don't pretend to be happy with being 'in the friend zone' if you're not. And don't hover around being a nice guy in the hope she'll suddenly fall for you. Just move on. Be honest, be real, go for what you want and don't compromise on something you know you're not going to be happy with. But at the same time don't try to force a relationship where there just isn't interest. Much better to find someone who is attracted to you from the get-go than to try to manufacture attraction. In my experience at least.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (19 April 2010):
 It's a science really.
To put it logically, there are three different types of men out there for women.
The first category I think is about 35% of men in the world that are the type that women are attracted to right from the get go. These men are physically appealing, and that's what motivates women to talk to them and get to know them more. Once they get to know them, most women tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and casually date them even though their personalities are kind of a mystery. It really depends on the woman in question however if she makes a judgment call on whether to see him again. I've known a lot of women who get to know the 'attractive' guys' personality and hate it, but go out with them again anyway simply due to looks. Eh. Guys do this too. So I'm not too bothered by it.
Then there is the 55% of men who aren't attractive in the eyes of whatever girl we are talking about. They are simply alluring by personality, and they are possibly fun to be around. They are our friends because they make us feel good, and because they are just a great addition to the friendship circle. We care for them and love them as one of our girlfriends, and that physical attraction will honestly never be there. The more we see them as just friends, the less of a chance they have of ever getting off that list, even if they slim down or shave or change their look. It's just something about them that we can't get over. The friend zone.
THEN there is that 10%. That magical ten percent that romance comedies are made about. There is a guy who at first starts as a friend, because he's average looking and doesn't really catch that first 'love at first sight' feeling. A girl starts to get to know him, and his personality just makes him that much more attractive. There are feelings that start to develop rather unexpectedly, and the guy has an in. This is why girls tell guys to 'hang in there'. They may not fall in 35% of automatic physical attraction, but they still have a chance of avoiding the 55% of those who fall in the 'friend zone'. It may be only a 10% chance, but hey. Mine as well try it if you really want it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): I have the same problem with guys. They just want to be my friend.. but not my boyfriend! Life sucks eh. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): Look every situation is different and every woman different.
A lot of the women on here have gone through the situation you describe but from the other side. There's lots of reasons they would say "hang in there" some women don't want to lose the emotional devotion that a guy in that situation gives them, others have gone through this and lost the guys interest only to later realize that it was a mistake and they were interested after all, others have managed to remain friends with a guy like that after his interest fades. In general though people here want to do the best they can to help people not to lose people.
"No chance, you're stuck in the friendzone" is the safest response, in the type of situation you describe it's best to think like that because simply if you have strong feelings for someone and they don't feel the same then it's best to think of yourself, as selfish as that sounds it's the only way. It's very hard to be friends with someone you fancy but can't get with, see them develop relationships with other people even seeing how beautiful you think they are when you see them in person. It can be torture.
The way around this situation is easy, always find out as soon as you start to feel something for someone how they feel about you. If they're confused or say they don't know, always take that as a no. If they've recently left a relationship then it's a no. If you've become an emotional crutch then it's a no. If there's any hesitation at all then it's a no. In any of these situations it's best to move on, if they know how you feel and they come to a realization they feel the same, then they'll most likely let you know. That's only my opinion from past experience, others may have been able to live with only being friends with someone they were in love with but I never have.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 When she cannot find anyone better, being her friend may give you the second chance to take another bite on the cherry.
If you are not her friend, you will have zero chance.It is up to you to decide if you still want to have a second chance with her.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Bottom line - regardless of what mixed up stuff you think women in general gove off (tho don't generalize us ..lol) how much does it hurt you to know them at a distance???
If you can deal with it - friendship may win out in the long run.
If it is ripping your heart to shreds - you are better of distancing yourself so you can heal.
Then we have the other variable, ..where distancing yourself can be the catalyst to make a woman realize what she is missing - if the interaction prior deems there is anything to miss that is.
Personally, i find guys just as weird lol. None of us male, or female, come with nstruction manuals. Take each individual as they come, .. or as best you can guess that they are coming :-)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 If you want friendship, yes. If you want sex and/or romance , no.
Ok, it sounds rather dumb put in this way ,let me clarify.
I guess when people advise to "hang in there and be their friends " they mean that the more time you get to spend together and the more you can keep the communication going, the more you can let yourself be seen, valued and appreciated for your good qualities, good personality, positive traits ,etc. and eventually this may lead a woman to like you more than she did initially and to ignite a spark that wasn't there before.
But of course there's no guarantee whatsoever. Some women
just can't do without a very strong physical attraction, or the "love at first sight " effect. Or simply,alas, even when they know you better, don't find that you have what it takes to be with them.
Basically, it's your choice, if you feel it is worth putting your time ,attention and energy in a friendship that may or may not become something different,- or if you prefer playing it safe and only focus on girls that are immediately receptive to your interest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): Just because you have no chance to be with a person you like, does not mean you shouldn't be friends. Personally I think there is always a chance - but is there any point to waiting around for years for them to break up with their present boyfriend or whatever? There ARE lots of fish in the sea, so yeah sure - stay their friend even if you don't have a chance, but it sure is awesome if you do.
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