A
male
age
13-15,
anonymous
writes:Hello smart people. I need to have some advice. I understand not to use real names so I will use fake names that are close or maybe real but you don't know. LOL Me = Miguel. Foster Dad = Shawn. Foster Mom = Sarah. Foster Brother = Patrick. I have been living with this family for 14 months now. I am 13 and in eighth grade and Patrick is 14 and is a freshman in high school. OK, so those are the people in the story.I have been living with this foster family for 14 months. They have been the best foster family I have ever had. When I was assigned to them I was very angry and rude and acting out. They did not know what to do with me. One day I said some horrible things to Sarah which I will not repeat and she cried and Patrick got so mad he was shaking and wanted to kill me I think because I made his mom so upset. They called family services and I thought I was going to be taken away. They had me come in the living room with them and the case worker and I was scared it was over. Shawn said they forgave me because they knew I was just mad and asked if I would please like to stay and keep living with them. I was like amazed and cried like a punk. I apologized and Shawn made up some chore punishments and I did them and did not complain and they have never said anything about how I acted at the beginning again.I have been in some horrible places with people who were just about the money and did not care about me and should never be allowed to have kids or foster them. One foster dad went to jail because of things I reported that were illegal and I was kicked out and homeless for a while. My biological parents were worse.I am in a safe place now with good people who care about me for real. Shawn works very hard for the family for a construction company and teaches Patrick and I about how to do home improvement stuff. He also takes us camping and teaches us outdoor survival stuff which is cool. Sarah sometimes talks to me and Patrick like we are little kids, but she is always doing things for us. She even sets out our clothes each day like we are little kids. Patrick said to just wear the outfit she picks and change later if I don’t like it. She makes us all go to Mass even though I am not sure I am Catholic, but I am not going to complain. Patrick is like a real brother to me and even got himself beat up protecting me from some scary dudes. He told them to leave his “brother” alone. I was blown away when I heard him say that. I never had anyone stick up for me before.I really love the three of them even when they annoy me. Shawn and Sarah are so strict and old school Catholic they could be a meme. We have to say "sir" and "ma'am." We don’t even get to play mature video games. They monitor the internet and I am sure they will see I visited this website. If they read this, it may solve the problem I am asking about. Patrick is like a puppy just trying to make them happy and do everything right. I used to make fun of him but now I guess I am trying to be like him now too.I asked Patrick once why he was an only kid and he just said it was medical. I guess Sarah lost a lot of babies in pregnancy before and after Patrick. Apparently he had therapy at some point for something and Patrick said his therapist said the reason he is so compulsive about being the “perfect son” is because he is trying to make up for their loss. He joked that now the pressure is on me too. Even though he was joking part of me feels like that because I do want to make them happy.The reason I am writing for advice is something Shawn and Sarah are doing that is kind of cringey even though they have good intentions. I am Hispanic, but I don’t actually speak Spanish and I am not really into Latino culture. I guess it is interesting, but I was never raised in an Hispanic home. I really just want to fit in with everyone. They are like trying so hard to “honor” my Latino heritage. They use Spanish words and phrases they have learned that I don’t even know what they are talking about and have to look up with google translator. They plan these little celebrations which are Mexican themed with decorations and Mexican food. I don’t know how to tell them my biological parents families were both from Colombia and not Mexico. I just don’t want to embarrass them. Thankfully, I like tacos so I just eat it. They even had a pinata for my 13th birthday – which is also weird also because I am 13 and not a little kid. Somehow they got a Leprechaun pinata for Patrick’s 14th and he acted like it was cool even though I know he thought it was stupid. They have a sombrero hanging from a peg in my room and I have one of those blankets on my bed.I asked Patrick about it and he showed me where all these Mexican decorations are stored in the garage and these books they read to be ready to foster a Latino youth. He asked me to just go along with it and not embarrass them, so I don’t say anything. I know there hearts are in the right place but sometimes it is so hard for Patrick and I not to laugh when they get all relatable and thinking they are cool parents because they know Latino stuff. On the other hand, I am afraid it might hurt their feelings more and make them feel foolish if they find out some day they were going too far and I did not say anything.What do you think I should do? Say something? Say nothing? Have Patrick say something even though he does not want to? Tell them I like Irish stuff just like them? Tell them no more pinatas of any kind? Admit I don’t know Spanish? Go and learn Spanish? I just don’t want to hurt their feelings because they are actually really wonderful people and deep down more than anything I want them to be my forever family.
View related questions:
money, the internet, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (9 March 2022):
 What they are doing is completely out of love and I think they’re just trying to give you a chance to explore your heritage as any good foster family should be doing. Just let them know before somebody else tells them though. Would be more embarrassing for them if someone else had them rather than if you told them. I know it seems like a big thing right now, but once you’ve told them and the awkwardness lifts, probably be something that you all look back and laugh at:)
You seem like such a sweet guy, Who has had an awful childhood, so I’m really really glad that you are with the family that seems to love you very much. I wish you the very best of luck with this family, and with your future
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): I really feel I need to add something more.
It's not being a suck-up to want to please your parents. Not when it's done out of love and respect. Loving-parents make sacrifices, would give their own lives, and would do anything out of love; so pleasing them is not trying to be a "perfect son" or "perfect daughter." Though some overbearing-parents want perfect-children; you and I know there is no such thing. No more than there are perfect-parents. We are all human, make mistakes, and we all have flaws. Every living, breathing, one of us!
When you're in pain, there is no such thing as "crying like a punk;" unless it's done to manipulate people, or to get your way. You showed emotion, and you can't always be tough. Too often, people stifle emotion to intimidate other people; and use their toughness as a way to force people to put-up with their bad-behavior. You don't seem like that kind of person; not according to what you've written. Your foster-family realizes that; because they see you for the good-person that you are. You're a kid, and do kid-stuff; but you're not a baby! LOL
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): Typo correction:
"They will be embarrassed to find-out from another source, or through another means; so it might be better for [you] to be the one to respectfully correct them."
P.S.
It's important to let them know; because sometimes holding-in something that bothers you will turn into resentment or anger. You shouldn't let it go, until it starts to hurt or offend you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): First off, Miguel, your story is very touching. You took your time to write with good grammar and proper syntax; which is unusual for someone your age. You seem to be a very bright and sweet kid. You also seem respectful and appreciative; even when things in your past-life, or with your biological-parents, weren't the ideal environment for a kid. I'd be proud to be a foster-parent, or adoptive-parent, of a young-man with a such a heart of gold as yours.
Let me explain something. Sometimes well-meaning people get things wrong; and they may need to be corrected. It's not a good practice to accept something incorrect just because people mean-well. They will be embarrassed to find-out from another source, or through another means; so it might be better for your to be the one to respectfully correct them. Just because you're Latino doesn't make you automatically Mexican, or Puerto Rican. Latino includes Honduran, Cuban, Paraguayan, Chilean, Venezuelan, Argentinian (and more, 17 countries in all); which simply includes people of Latin American decent, or born in those countries. It would even include Brazilians who speak Portuguese; but Brazil is a Latin American country.
I know we have a modern-culture that is sometimes bigoted and willfully ignorant; but there are nice ordinary-people who just assume things, but mean no harm. They won't take offense to being corrected; unless you're rude about it. I don't think you should be afraid the family will reject you for being honest. Honesty creates trust. If it evokes anger or hatred, that's a bad sign. I am bi-racial, and people often mistake me for Hispanic or Arab. Most times, I ignore it. If I have to deal with them as a co-worker, or on a regular basis; I'll let them know that I'm neither. Take pride in your own heritage, never feel you'll be rejected for pride in who God made you to be; or the nationality you were born to. Never allow ignorance (that's not always a negative word, it means they don't know better) to place you in a box. Proudly acknowledge who you are, and most people will respect that.
Miguel, I truly wish you the best with this family. I agree with Patrick, when it comes to just letting your foster-mom be mom. All the family says and does is out of love; and they are the wonderful exception to past families you've unfortunately been placed with. God is watching over you, and that's why you've landed in a family of loving good people. You deserve it, and just by reading your words; that's easy for anyone to see.
God bless you, and may He always watch over you! You're truly a great kid!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): This is Miguel again. Thank you both for your good answers and advice. I do like mine craft by the way I agree it is a good game. I agree learning Spanish would be smart no matter what just for how useful it would be. I know I need to talk to them about this stuff but I am just nervous. Patrick read my post and thinks I should share it with them too but I don't want them to feel like the pressure of me saying I want them to be my forever family if they decide they don't want to adopt me permanent. I know Sarah would like a little baby. Patrick says I am overthinking it and I am "in like Flynn" which is good. And yes Patrick makes mistakes and I do too I guess all I meant is he tries harder that a lot of people I know is all especialy with parents. I think the people we go to school with take parents for granted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 March 2022):
 Awww Miguel!
First off, I'm SO happy you got a family who REALLY wants to have you be part of their family. That is what fostering should be about!
Yes, it's a bit cringy with the "sombrero and Taco Tuesdays" to "honor" your cultural heritage but it is 100% done out of love.
Sit your lovely foster mom down and tell her how much you appreciate her for trying to honor your culture but that you don't really have any ties to that part of you, that you don't know Spanish and that you rather learn more about their Irish culture for now. That perhaps, later on, you all can learn more about Columbia, which is were your biological parents are from.
Lastly, tell your foster mom AND dad what you wrote:
"I just don’t want to hurt their feelings because they are actually really wonderful people and deep down more than anything I want them to be my forever family."
Because that is the most wonderful part of all of this.
Oh, another little sidenote. While videogames are fun, you don't NEED to play "mature" (aka violent) videogames to have fun. My middle daughter just LOVES animal crossing and Mine craft and she is 19 and off at Uni :)
I wish you and your family the BEST !
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (7 March 2022):
 Miguel you are one lucky kid. I come from an adopting family, and I really like what your foster parents are doing. They have loved and included you unconditionally.
About the Latino cultural things, It would probably be best if you did talk to them sooner about that. There is no right or wrong way to handle it, but everyone should feel comfortable. If you desire to learn more about your biological heritage that is easy to do and I'm sure your foster parents would be happy to participate. As you live in the United States, it will always be an advantage to be able to communicate in Spanish. I learned a second language that I never get to use outside of ethnic restaurants. But Spanish is everywhere in the US.
Of course as a United states citizen you have no obligation to understand any culture outside of your family. It sounds like Patrick is being a very good brother, but remember he is only 14 and just as likely as you to make mistakes.
I think your parents will be happy to follow you lead in involving cultural expectations. I don't think they will be embarrassed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): Say nothing. You are making a huge thing out of a tiny thing.
Far worse can happen with fosters parents, as you have probably found to your cost in the past. Concentrate on the good things and let the little things go. No home life is perfect.
...............................
|
