A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for 15 years. We have been married for 10. About 4 years ago I got caught cheating with multiple women. Additionally, about two years ago she found a letter that looks like I may have been doing it again though i actually wasnt. I have found God and am trying really hard to fix what I broke. For the first time, though she has been telling me for years, I realize what a poor and selfish spouse I have been. What can I do to show her I want her heart and the love we once shared to come back. I want her to know that this is the most important thing in my life. We do have three kids and to this point she felt we were staying together for them, but I want to stay together for us. How do I convince her of that and gain back the love we had? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Hi there,
Your post had a bit of an impact for me, as I, am like your wife. So your question on how to repair things hit home.
All I can say to you is that it is a very difficult and hurtful time in a partner/spouces life to discover the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with and who should be the person you can trust and rely on most in your life, did not share the same values and expectations.
It kills something inside, it destroys your perception of how your saw everything in your world and throws you into a desperate uncertainty.
How can you repair that? Well all I can tell you is what I am wanting to hear, feel and see in my husband who is the same as you.
I need him to do something to show me that he is trying to make things up. Something unexpected to show me that he is thinking about me. Not something he has already done or is easy. I want to be blown away with the thought he has put into something special for me. I want to be the centre of his world at the moment in any case. Yes I need to hear him say he loves me. Sometimes that is empty words. But more often, I really want him to continue to tell me how sorry he was to betray me. I don't want him to pretend that none of this happened now, I need to see him go through the pain I am feeling. Dinners out, flowers and gifts are all easy. You need to make efforts with her that you have never ever done before.
Your wife has been damaged by your actions. She is naturally scared, hesitant and feeling used by this situation. She will not want to trust you completely at all at the moment - if ever. She also will feel embarrassed about loving and trusting someone who could do this to her. Unfortunately as others have said it is not a quick fix, which I am sure you know. If she discovered you cheating 4 years ago, then had other suspicions 2 years ago, and she is now an empty, battered and bruised soul. She probably thinks your full of broken promises.
Ask her what, who and how she wants you to be. Continue to do things which she will know that you made huge efforts to do something specially for her. Tell her what you have discovered about yourself and how your actions are now something that you realise have impacted on her, without her choice or approval. Tell her you don't want to live your life without her. And tell her what you told us in relation to wanting to be there for 'us'. Write her a letter about how shitty you are feeling about what you did to her. Ask God for guidance and pray for her to heal.
People will say that she is still there so she must be okay. She's not and may never be the same, neither will you. People stay for all different reasons and she is possibly still trying to work out why you are still there? And will be struggling with what's different about you now in comparison to the man you were when you betrayed her. She is just protecting herself from the man she married, trusted and lived for, you let her down.
Send me a private email if you wish. And keep trying harder than you ever have in your life before.....
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 You have seen the error of your ways and THAT'S the most important thing here, being able to admit you've not been the best husband you could be. I suggest you make her a nice meal or get a babysitter arranged and take her out for one. Write her a letter telling her exactly how you feel about her and how much you want this to work, how much you love her and what an idiot you've been in the past and give it to her afte the meal while you make an excuse to go to the bathroom. Let her read it in private then go back and see what she says about it.
Although she may be very flattered with your words, you need to prove BY YOUR ACTIONS that you do want to change and be the best husband you can be. Be alert to her needs, her feelings and her emotions and talk every day. Set aside time when the kids are in bed to communicate without the TV being on. Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship. In this way she can tell you her feelings and you can reassure her when she needs it. Continue spending this quality time together and your relationship will come on heaps and bounds.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): First thing to do... say to her exactly what you have said to us in this question - you realise what you have been like, you want the love you had when you first met, and that she is the most important thing in the world to you, etc. Apologise and ask her whether she can ever trust you again.Do little things for her to show exactly how sorry you are - household chores, taking the children out or to school, bring her little presents.I'm glad you realise that you've done wrong and that you want to change. I hope everything works out for you now. x
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (25 November 2007):
 Hi, this will only take time. If she wants to be together just for the kids then this is because she doesnt fully trust you because you cheated on her. You need to give her time and space to think what she really wants. All you can do is stay faithful, and show to her how much you really love her, for example, cook her a romantic dinner? or do something she really likes. I hope i helped :) feel free to mail me about anything x
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A
female
reader, confussed? +, writes (25 November 2007):
well u can start by taking her out and tell her how beautiful she is and ALWAYS say u love her. and how much she means to you and u DID make a mistake but it is done and over with nothing u can do now!! ask her for one more shot! it might help
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (25 November 2007):
 She's still with you, so yes your properly convince her. Most women would have left you by now. Just go through with your word and don't cheat again and put her first
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