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First time sex wasn't good for my g/f and I want to help next time be better

Tagged as: Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

My gf and I attempted sex for the first time… and it was a little rockier a process than we had initially anticipated! When i tried to go in, it wouldn’t go in past the tip. In addition my gf was not getting to feel it that much. I felt really embarrassed about this and I reassured her that i loved it anyway. I still think my gf is cute, sexy, beautiful, and im still attracted to her. I would love for us to try sex again. I hope it will be better this time. Would it be wrong to give her a how to sex book as a gift? How could I lessen the embarrassment of receiving a how to sex book? Or make her not feel that she is bad at sex? I don’t want to embarrasses her but it might offer some ideas that we could try. I want sex to be a good experience for both of us.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (30 October 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntMy advice, go to a book store together, have a look in the wellbeing/relationship section and buy something of interest together. This way it makes it about you and her and not just her.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntNo don't get her a book unless you want her to lose all confidence in herself. It was not her fault sex did not go to plan. She was tensed up because she was probably nervous and this is normal when it is both your first experience. It just takes practice. So enjoy it. Try new things. If you are struggling to get in then make sure she is well lubricated. Maybe buy a lubricant to make things easier. Also remember a girl needs lots of foreplay.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom + , writes (28 October 2016):

celtic_tiger agony auntFrom your post, I get the impression that you think it is her fault that the sex wasn't great? Otherwise why would you think buying HER a how-to book would be a good idea?

Unless you are far more experienced than she is, you are BOTH on a learning process, and it is not just her responsibility to learn. If you do give her a how to sex book, she will feel very hurt, very self conscious, and probably clam up which will make sex next time even more of a challenge.

SHE is not bad at sex. If this is how you are thinking, perhaps she thinks YOU are the one who is bad at it?.... see what I'm getting at here? You are both inexperienced, and both need more practice. Just with any new skill, riding a bike, driving a car, it takes practice.

REAL girls are not like porn stars. They don't just flip a switch, and are able to do everything you see on the internet. Its scary, its a complete unknown, it probably will hurt her. You don't know how to think, what to feel, or how you are going to react emotionally and physically until you are in the moment.

Real sex, is nothing like you see on the TV.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016):

My boyfriend took my virginity by breaking my hymen with his finger. It will hurt but maybe you want to try it this way? You will need a lot of foreplay with this. Kissing, touching etc. And I think you might want to try giving her an orgasm with your hand before you do this. Have you both engaged in oral sex before? Oral sex is a good way to start. It will ease her in. And lubricate her. It hurt when my boyfriend did it but it only hurt for a few minutes and then it was done. And I wondered what the big deal was all about? You do not always have to penetrate to break the hymen. It might be easier on her psyche to do it this way? Just a suggestion. The first time is never going to be good for most women. In time, it only gets better and she is going to love it. Just be patient. You seem like a good, caring boyfriend. Good luck.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (28 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntBuying a book will offend her.

Sex is trial and error. You have to try different things you both consent to at the time. Make sure you focus on her so that she's relaxed and aroused enough for her body to be ready for any penetration.

Take it slow and learn as you go. Putting pressure on yourselves is a bad idea and will make it worse. Good sex doesn't happen on the first few times very often; it's not like the readily available porn videos - it takes rehearsals and practice to figure out what feels good.

Relax - you have plenty of time.

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A male reader, 111222 Australia +, writes (28 October 2016):

111222 agony auntIf you're both new to it then you're not expected to get it right straight away, a massive part of fun in having sex with your partner is experimenting with things and finding out what works for each other.

Just relax, it's always said that your first time won't be great and sometimes even hurts or is just downright terrible. But next time you try you will get more comfortable with it and can start to try different things.

As you do it more it will get better for both of you as you learn what works well for each other. Just relax and have fun with it.

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (28 October 2016):

like I see it agony auntSo it was the first time for both of you? In that case, relax. My first time was also with a fellow virgin. It hurt for me, and he lasted maybe a minute. We weren't bad at sex, or doomed somehow to a lifetime of bad sex, just NEW to sex. There is a difference, so don't lose heart over the first time being a little underwhelming. Practice makes perfect, and sex with someone you love or care about is a fun thing to practice.

It sounds like you didn't achieve full penetration, so your girlfriend's inability to feel much shouldn't embarrass you. That has nothing to do with penis size or girth and everything to do with the fact that most of your penis was outside her vagina during intimacy. Also note that many women do not actually reach orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. To make things feel good for her too, you may need to gently stimulate her clitoris with a finger or fingers.

I do NOT recommend running out to get your girlfriend a how-to sex book straight away. Although a sex book might be fun to read together somewhere down the line when you two are looking to spice things up as a couple, I strongly suspect that giving her one after the very FIRST time she has tried sex (with an equally inexperienced partner, if I've read your post correctly) is only going to make her feel put on the spot - as though her first time was somehow a disappointment to you - and cause her to be more nervous and more tense next time. She's going to feel like you're judging her, not exploring with her, and I don't think that's what you want because it's going to inhibit her ability to relax in the bedroom. Tense, worried sex is not enjoyable sex.

You want the sex to improve - well, you are 50% of that sex, so start by aiming to be good in bed yourself because that's easy to work on without making your partner feel insecure or inadequate in the process. Unless you have an unusually large penis, fitting it inside your partner should not be an issue as long as you take the time to properly arouse her first. Start with plenty of kissing and intimate touching, and consider buying a good personal lubricant if she's still not getting wet enough down there to allow you to enter her. Just the tip of your penis alone may not have been enough to break her hymen if it hasn't already been broken through physical exercise (this can happen), so be prepared for the possibility of pain on her end the first time you enter her fully - even though it's no longer technically her first time having sex. Go slowly, be gentle, use lubricant, and the second time around should go more smoothly and enjoyably for both of you than the first.

I hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes!

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