A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were together 4 years. We broke up 2 months ago, tomorrow. I broke it off because for several months prior, while I was trying to work things out, he was pushing me to end things, so I did. He acted like he wanted to be set free so I let him go. I've been in NC for 7 weeks and he's been texting me every week since then. I made a thread about that recently, actually.He hasn't text me and said he wants to get back together but did say he cares about me more than he thought he did. He has been sending me text messages telling me about new and exciting things that have been going on in his life. 4 days ago he text me telling me that this new place he loves is opening back up and how "i should go". Keep in mind, I haven't spoken to him since the 4th of July. Anyway, he found out in early '12 that he has Crohn's disease. He's been hospitalized MANY times over the course of our relationship. He has been *very* ill over this, often bleeding pretty badly out both ends. Anyway, I was peeking at his facebook earlier (we're not friends on there anymore) and noticed he had liked a fb page called "colon cancer alliance". When I saw it my heart kind of sank. I don't know if he's suddenly gotten ill or found out some devastating news. I am still in love with him and miss him very much. I know this BU is the best thing for me, though. I'm much better off without him but am feeling upset at the thought of something happening to him. I'm sure he knows I look at his fb every now and then and could be doing this to get my attention, which he's done in the past. Since our BU, when he's liked something on fb and wanted me to notice, he'd send me a text around the same time or not long after. I don't know if this is the case or if I'm just reading too much into this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe could have kept more that I can't see but I know for certain he deleted the one of me and him in bed together and one of me lying in his bed. They were public so I know he got rid of those and he knows I will see that if I were to look. He edited his other "friends only" album at the same time last night so I'm pretty sure he deleted some of the others, if not all. The only actual picture of me, that I can see, is the closeup head shot of me blowing him a kiss and it says "jen with me" and the 6 bitstrips he kept. Like I said, I have no idea why he even kept those. He should've just deleted them all. At least I know it's over and done and feel somewhat relieved. It's mixed emotions. Sadness, relief. I don't really know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): "Now there's no reason to check his facebook or anything else."
There never was but you still did it. This time it was to check "if he's okay", the next time it'll be some other bullshit excuse.
OP no offence but you're a lost cause and he's the boss of you. That's what'll hurt the most as you go forward. You may have broken it off but you didn't finish it, he did, he was in full control of this break up while you failed to stay strong.
Stop giving into your need by creating bullshit excuses to look at his page. Funnily enough you come across as the type who will be back here in a month or two complaining that he's found someone new already, and talking about how "this time I definitely know it was over".
It should have been over the moment you broke it off, but you gave into your urges time and time again, you should have empowered yourself here but you just made yourself weaker.
You gave him all the power. He's the only one who got to say things and stay in your head. And now he's not even trying to do that and it's still happening.
OP you're in your 30's acting like a teenager and creating pain for yourself. You lost all control of this situation right after you broke it off and you gave it all to him. he can still contact you, you'll still look at his page and tragically for you you've given him full control over how you deal with this. How fast you move on is up to him. That's not good, OP.
But hey, live your life how you choose, if you want give us men that kind of power then that's your choice and the fact you keep doing it means we do have that power over you. You need to address that, OP.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2014):
 Josh is gone and he'll never come back ?...
From your lip to God's ears, OP!!
He deleted all your pics, he only kept cartoons he made representing you and him being sexual, and you taking it up your etc.etc. ?? On FB??
Gak! . Let's keep our fingers crossed and let's hope he STAYS gone .
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female
reader, Behavioural Analysis  +, writes (28 August 2014):
 I think you should come off of Facebook because you are 30 - 35 years old and you need to make this as easy for yourself as possible. There was no need to check his Facebook again and look through his pictures, but you did it anyway. Stop playing games with yourself and let yourself move on from what is clearly a toxic relationship, even after it ended.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have been hit with reality that it's "over". I checked his facebook (to make sure he's okay) and last night he deleted all of my pictures from his fb except for one actual pic of me, a closeup blowing him a kiss, and he kept the bitstrips he created of us. He made those little comics that are supposed to be us and one of them is of us being sexual, which implies he was going to ^^^k me in the ^^^.Why he kept the ones he did I really don't know but he does know I can see he deleted them if he knows I'm looking. He deleted the ones of "us" and the ones of me just being silly or hanging at his place. I'm sad but what can I do. This time I know I'll not hear from him again and that his goodbye was for real. Now there's no reason to check his facebook or anything else. Josh is gone now and he's never coming back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): Like you said, this is the reason for NC!!!
He is using the usual tactics to get back at you. Hit you with bad news, threaten a disappearance, remind you he's got mental issues and might hurt himself; then over and out. That is a load of cruel manipulative bullshit, and you've got to hold up under it all. Call his bluff! The cliff-hanger is easy; because he knows how easy you are to rattle.
How can someone who loves you be so nasty? You're not so much in love, as you are addicted to him and his bullshit.
Seriously?!! Who doesn't feel depressed these days?
I assure you, he is having too much fun hurting you to hurt himself. I think you need to put the drama-queen in a straight-jacket or give her a chill- pill. Go put on your armor. Dress for war, because the emotional battle has just begun.
I know this part you're going through. It comes just before your tear ducts can't produce anymore tears, and you start to get pissed-off. Let them flow, get it out. Keep coming back to DC to vent your feelings. It's good for you.
You claim you deleted his number, numbers for everybody sharing his DNA, and friends; but you left yourself open to read his messages. You hopped on each and everyone of them. If the phone screen glowed and chimed; you hoped it was from him! He's not torturing you, as much as you're torturing yourself!
See how much it hurts being weak? It's good pain; because it will form a scab, and you will become a little more immune.
It hurts you through and through; but that's mostly symptoms of "withdrawal" more than it is love. You haven't let go, you're still holding on by Facebook. When you stop reading messages and torturing your mind with FB; you'll begin the healing process. Trust me on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): "He could be dead or anything." So what? That'd be problem solved. I know it's cruel but that's how I viewed an ex that played the 'I'll kill myself' card. He's not your problem anymore.
OP it is day 1 again, but it's a day 1 you've already been through so you know how to move on. This time just make sure it's fully NC.
You didn't do anything wrong to either of you, you just let curiosity get the better of you and it's set you back a bit.
So get up, dust yourself off and get on with it.
beating yourself up or worrying about a person who no longer matters is not going to do you any good. Time to really start letting go now.
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female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (26 August 2014):
You NEED to just ignore it. Knowing what his "status" is now will have no positive effect on your situation. There will CONSTANTLY be times and questions like this. You HAVE to let it go; you can't do anything any more. Please get counselling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI deleted him from my facebook and phone the night we broke up. I just got home from work and as soon as I walked in my door the tears started flowing. I've done so well at ignoring him and not letting his texts get to me since our BU but something about that one yesterday has torn me into pieces. To tell me his dog died and then say goodbye, after 2 months, only to proceed changing HIS number. He's the one had been in contact with me EVERY week since our BU. I feel dead inside, all over again. He suffers from depression and would sometimes talk of wanting to kill himself. I'm seriously freaking the fuck out right now. Now I know why pure NC is the best thing to do. I didn't reply to him since the 4th of July and thought I was doing alright but he finally found a way to emotionally break me again. I feel like someone has knocked me back at day 1.Now what do I do? He could be dead or anything. I blocked everyone of his friends on fb, his family, everybody pretty much associated with him when we broke up for this reason so I have no one to ask if he's actually alive or not. I'm scared. I still love him. One thing I thought was strange is he said "after tomorrow" which implies there was something up with yesterday. The phone he had wasn't his. It was given to him as a work phone. It was a walkie talkie phone so his boss could get in touch with him. He was allowed to use it to text me and others when he wasn't working but not during. The phone was often passed around to other employees as well so the boss could reach them yet my ex had it the majority of the time and because of this he used it as his main phone. He had very few contacts so I'm wondering, also, if he got fired, quit his job or something happened and his boss took the phone back and changed numbers. My ex wouldn't have been able to do it, his boss would've had to. I'm so lost and confused right now. I love him but hate him for what he's put me through. Only I guess I'm to blame for allowing it to happen. Please guide me from here. I feel alone right now. I feel worse now than when we actually broke up. :'(
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 August 2014):
Does it have to make sense ?... Why ?... Look at the big picture , not the details.
You broke up with this guy, you have decided to have him out of your life. Good for you.
Now, you have trouble maintaning NC- heck, you've broken it already calling from a restricted number, you could not know he was not going to answer. Apparently, you have a bit of a problem with self control , and with sticking to your decisions.
It turns out that HE changed his number ? GREAT ! fantastic ! what an unexpected help ! that's a blessing !
What you could not do by yourself ( blocking any access between you ) , he has done it for you.
Be thankful , and leave it at that !
Pity about the dog, but it's not like poor Modi is going to re-live and walk like Lazarus if you call, right ? So, why calling at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): It would help you a lot to delete or block his messages to take away the temptation to read them. That was a tough thing for me to do. I had weak moments. I kept going back over old messages. I finally deleted them all within the first two months after my breakup, and actually deleted the number from my contacts. Whoa! It was like taking that leap before you hit the end of your bungee cord. It was like a free-fall to freedom. I actually broke out in a sweat! I could feel my heart through my shirt!
It will give you a feeling of power to stop opening the messages; because he can't manipulate your feelings and emotions if he can't wear you down with pitiful messages to tug at your heart. You have to stop opening them. There will be more. He'll let you alone a few days to sweat it out, then start again. He figures he knows how to get to you. Be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): The grammar in that message is enough to make me think you're lucky to be rid of him and the content is almost emotional blackmail as far as I'm concerned. Who cares if his dog died? It's not longer your concern he's your ex. He's to turn to the people still in his life now, not you.
Hopefully he meant it when he said goodbye, but my feeling is it isn't.
Stay strong, OP. At best he's really just sending you an illiterate notice of something you were fond of dying, at worst he's emotionally blackmailing you into responding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried calling, restricted, and he's changed his number so something has happened and I guess he's finally decided to move on now. I don't understand why he'd text me EVERY week for 8 weeks straight, tell me his dog died and then change his number after. None of this makes any sense to me. Especially the changing of HIS number because I hadn't contacted/replied him in 7 weeks. =/
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I haven't looked at his facebook since I made this thread. I hadn't heard from my ex in 9 days until he text me at 1am this morning. This is what it said;"I just thought u wana knw modi got parvo and they gota put him down in the mrn im so hurt heartbroken and cryn to death after tmrw u never get another text from i want to say my goodbye to u and want u to knw bout modi take care of yourself bye"Modi is his dog that he's had for most of this year. I took a pretty strong liking to him as well so I guess my ex thought I should know. I just think it's odd he tells me that in the same text he decides to say his "goodbye" to me. I don't know if Modi was actually put down or my ex is trying to get me to show some kind care for him. We've been broken up over 2 months now and he just now wants to say his goodbye to me? It makes no sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): As human beings we have a sense of loyalty. We have empathy and compassion for people we don't even know, let alone people who are near and dear to us. However; there are reasons that relationships should end, and pity is not a reason to stay.
That being said, you didn't really go no contact in the true sense. You didn't respond, but you read every message. He didn't need a reply, but he knew he was getting an emotional response by sending you messages filled with pathetic and saddening tales of his life. He appeals to your sensitivities and manipulates your feelings by complete remote control through his cell-phone. You fell for it. Then, you stalked Facebook to reinforce every manipulative action he made through messaging.
No contact does not mean be apathetic and cruel. It means no contact. Cutting off all forms of communication; which protects you from people manipulating your feelings, making threats, and distracting you from moving on.
Of course he's going to send sad and pathetic messages; because he is keeping a one-way line of communication open.
He knows exactly how to get to your soft-spot from many years of being with you. His illness was there all along, and it is a chronic illness. Does that mean you live together in misery because he's sick?
No one said you shouldn't and don't love him. Neither of you love each other enough to live together in harmony. You don't know how to work through problems and compromise; because you are incompatible.
Your relationship has reached a point you were forced to part. He urged you to move on, so why the sudden change of heart? He is punishing you through your emotions. If you took him back, I guarantee nothing has changed. He just doesn't like feeling rejected and he doesn't like the loss of control. So now he uses his cellphone like a remote control device, and pushes your buttons all day long. Keeping you emotionally up in the air. You are far to compliant and accessible.
You will have to learn what a delete button is used for; and you will have to stop using Facebook. Knowing the only thing you'll look for is all about him. You probably aren't even reading messages or updates from anyone else; because you only sign-on to stalk his FB page.
You can live a few months without Facebook. You still have a phone, and you should be contacting friends and relatives for comfort and distraction from your grief. You should look up "no contact" online and follow it to the letter.
Move on. Stop making excuses not to be strong. You are delaying your healing, and you are surrendering all your power to him. Letting him keep you in limbo unable to move forward. If you have to block your phone, do it. Don't rely on your own restraint, you don't have that ability or the strength right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): First off Crohn's is horrific, one of the worst conditions a person can get so in my reply I'm not ignoring the fact this guy is in one of the worst medical situations possible.
Secondly the others are right. You're not NC you're just ignoring him. There's a big difference. Ignoring him while still reading his messages and stalking his facebook completely negate the benefits of NC.
The point is not to be reminded of how much you miss him and what you've lost in him every five minutes so you can move on. You're denying yourself that and you're also getting sucked into letting your mind make excuses to see him.
As I said I can empathise with a guy with a long term illness, but as a woman who was with such a guy for years after his initial diagnosis you should have known that he wasn't just going to become healthy so you wouldn't feel guilty about ending it.
Stop using this an excuse and go full no contact if you never intend to be with him, OP.
It's only been two months out of four years, you're nowhere near ready to see him in any kind of emotionally detached manner.
You have been pining for this guy for months, checking up on him and waiting for an excuse to let your heart convince you that contacting him would be great. Well this is not a good enough reason to do that, OP, he has a condition which means he'll always be ill. Sometimes serious, sometimes minor, if you come running every time it gets bad then not only do you fuck yourself over but you also don't allow a sick man to move on with his life and recover from your relationship.
In other words, OP, if you really mean it about needing to move on you have to do what's right, not what your emotions want you to do. Contacting him now would be game playing, and it would also reset 8 weeks of exceptionally tough emotions and a break up, you'd have to start all over again.
In your position I'd send him one last message. I'd ask him not to contact me anymore and explain that it's part of NC. That you never want to be in a relationship with him again and that friendship for the near future is not possible either. Tell him you'd like to think in the future maybe you and he can become friends but that you need him out of your life to make getting to that stage faster and more efficient. It's not a rejection of him, it's not that you don't care about him or want to hurt him it's that you care too much, it hurts way too much and you want to get to the point where neither is the case anymore.
OP the right thing to do here is to move on, give him closure and shut that door completely. It's the right thing for you and it's the right thing for him. Also deactivate your FB for two months if you can't stop yourself looking him up.
I'm very lucky in that I never had to deal with a break up on social media. The urge to see your ex is insanely strong, it's like a heroin addiction where you feel that if you just have one more fix it'll ease the pain. But it doesn't does it? It just reminds you of what you're missing and what you lost. So do your mental well-being a favour and stop torturing yourself.
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female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (21 August 2014):
This isn't NC. You are torturing yourself by allowing the texts to continue and checking up on his Facebook.
You still love him because you haven't really broken up. You're not having a relationship any more, but you're still stalking each other - him with texts and you with Facebook.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 August 2014):
 Actually you are NOT NC since you read his text messages (and have not blocked him) and still look at his FB page (have not blocked him)
NO CONTACT means just that NOTHING... as if you do not know each other at all. The fact that he can send you messages feeds his need.
I support Gay Marriage and I'm not gay. Just because you support something does not mean you have it or want it.
crohn's disease is nasty. I have an ex husband and a good friend with it. But it's liveable and both of them work full time and function pretty well.
I'd not only ignore this, I'd block him on Facebook (and your phone if possible) and REALLY move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): I think its time to break the silence and speak to him.
So u will get info directly from him whether his sick or not.
But it doesnt mean you will get back together. Since you said your better off without him.
Or you could ask information from common friends.
If its meant to be no matter how long you two keep waiting who speak first to who, it will be.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 August 2014):
Since you know this is his usual M.O. , 90% of chances it is that it's always an attention- drawing technique.
And 10% ?... 10 %, maybe you need to grow a thicker skin ( or, to stop look for excuses that would warrant you getting in touch again ).
You seem not to grasp the concept that when you break up, you BREAK ( stop, terminate, discountinue ) up - you break your closeness, you break any special place a person had in your life, you break your involvement in their problems. He becomes someone you used to know, and gets the status of any other acquaintance of yours .
Now , I am not saying that you have to be so callous that if he ( or any other acquaintance or friend ) comes to you and says " I 've got cancer ", your reaction must be : " F..k you, who cares, since I am not dating you anyway ".
On the other hand, it's not your job to guess / devine / imagine about their state of health ( or finances, or whatever ). You have to realize that if they want you to know and to care about their health ( as it is normal you would do for someone you have loved and spent so much time with ) they'll let you know directly and honestly, without playing manipulative immature mind games.
This guy is still in touch regularly with you ( I don't know why you still allow that, btw )- could not have he said, like a normal person : " I am a bit worried about my condition, it seems to have taken a turn for the worse " rather than saying " Oh it's all fantastic, wonderful, splendid " AND planting clues ON FB hoping ( knowing ! ) that you'll find them ?
That's ridicolous and it's not how two adults relate. You surely can support and encourage and assist even an ex who's got a serious health condition, but a ) if you know it for sure , without guessing games and b ) if you have a honest, mature, respectful, decent communication level and modality.
From now on, you should assume that he is a normal adult , or able to act as such, so , if he wants you to know something, he will tell you. If he does not tell you- it means that he does not want or care that you know.
You may feel that it's different with him, that he might go by hints and clues... HIS problem. He needs to change his commmunication patterns if he wants to be taken seriously.
And STOP stalking his FB ! You are not 17 anymore !
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