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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am fed up of being a responsible person. I am so lonely and starved of support myself and have become sick to death of people sucking my blood for support. I am the type of person who doesn't brag about how successful I am at being independent and resilient, but people recognise it and want a piece of the pie. Every so often I am asked to be a God mother and have accumulated 10 over the past 15 years. I am very grateful but the novelty has worn off and I am beginning to feel I have the bad end of the bargain. I have struggled most of my life regardless of having my family there. I have always been taught to not ask unless last resort. if I ask for help, I am normally turned down with 'haven't you tried a, b, or c first', 'how can you let things get to this', 'you are irresponsible' 'you must feel shame' etc, so I've learnt to deal with things first and then ask for help only when needed at times I wont. I feel that at times this is a good trait to have as I can always rely on myself. But I am very unsupported and Lonely as a result. I have been blessed with a special needs child who I raise on my own and we have gone through hell and back navigating through life and we are both happy. People compliment a lot, but its not something that I feel requires compliment as I feel it is what anyone also would do if they were in the same position. The problem is people see me as dependable, reliable and responsible. It is beginning to wear me out now because, whenever I am in desperate and need of support I am quickly turned down, by the people that always ask of it from me. My child has 3 godparents and they have disappeared of the face of the earth, yet for all 10 of my godchildren I do not forget birthday, special events, Christmas etc. Recently a close friend told me that she is expecting and that she feels I would make a good godparent. I know this is a big privilege, but it feels like an insult. As I feel that all I seem to so is give and never receive? Does anyone have any suggestion how I can deal with this as its beginning to drive me insane?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. The issue about the godchildren is just one point I chose to share. The issue is not the godchildren themselves. Consciously making an effort recognise their birthdays, Christmas, first days at school, football matches, good grades this requires a lot of time and effort away from my own challenging life. When I choose to do something, I like to give my all. I would treat others the same way I would like to be treated, but I don't experience this. My issue my be perceived as asking that the godchildren pay me back, for what I do for them I would NEVER want this. The children are innocent. I just feel that the balance is not there, whether its from friendship, family or colleagues. People around me are so keen to ask knowing that I will not let them down, but when I ask for anything even the smallest things, they run a mile. I guess its how I manage it. Thank you for your comments. I am truly touched. I was expecting negative feedback for coming across a ungrateful which I am not. I take all your comments on board.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Its a compliment them all asking you. A compliment to how you cope and bring up your child so well, they admire and trust you.
Next time somebody pays you this compliment, just say 'thank you for asking, ime honoured, but I have to decline, sorry'
Then forget it.
As for your 10 godchildren...send them a simple card on their birthdays only, then get on with your life. It shows you remember their special day and that's all you need to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): What exactly do you do as a godparent that's so taxing?What is it that you do for these 10 kids that you would like in return?For the 11th, just say NO, sorry. I have my hands full.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 May 2014):
 I agree with Mark.
Learn to say no.
Tell your pregnant friend that you are HONORED but you already have 10 GODCHILDREN and you take the job serious, you just don't have enough in you to be a Godmother for 11. I think THAT is fair enough. YOU ARE ALLOWED to say NO.
And I agree with anon male.
Buy a copy of co-dependency for Dummies.
Both are excellent advice.
Raising a child on your own is NEVER easy, raising one with a disability I can only imagine is harder. FOCUS on YOURSELF and your CHILD.
If people come to you with trouble, BE ready to say I'm sorry I have a lot on my plate.
It's OK to not TAKE care of everyone else all the time.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 May 2014):
 SIMPLE - learn to say no!!! Seriously that is it.If you don't ever say no then people will see you as Mrs Yes and keep asking for more.The more you give the more people expect. All you need to say to your friend is "Im so grateful you think I would be a great godmother and I thank you for the offer but, to be honest, im already a god parent many times over and would prefer not to do it to any others, sorry." If your friend doesn't like that tough. You come across as too eager to please. Too willing to part with money, time, effort, comitments instead of saying no. You send gifts or money to umpteen god children yet probably don't receive as much as a thank you in return. Why continue doing this? You help someone out only for them to fob you off when you need a helping hand? Fine you learn that the person concerned is a user and don't help them out in future. I used to be the same to some extent...I had lots of so called friends who only contacted me when they wanted something. If I needed something they were too busy, broke, tired...! I don't bother with those people any more. If you give are too keen to please and too willing to make friends by offering gifts, support and help then you will be used and abused. Simple as that. You don't want people saying "Oh your pregnant? Go see Dorothy she'll be a God Mother to your sprog and send Xmas and Birthday gifts every year!" or "oh your broke? Go see Emily, put on a few tears. and ask for a fiver. If you cry hard enough she will give you twenty quid!"Saying "no" isn't nasty, bitchy and neither does it make you a bad person. Of course some horrid users might try and make you feel that way to get you to part with cash or help but you need to stand up for yourself! You can still be a good friend and still offer advice or the occasional assistance but don't go overboard, don't take on anything you are not comfortable with learn to accept (and ask for) help from others. Your too willing to give and too afraid to ask for help yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I'm 46 and can absolutely relate to where you are 'coming from' with this, to the extent that it could be me writing this post, except I went further down the line and became physically ill with stress as a result.My strong suggestions to you are:1. Buy a copy of co-dependency for Dummies. It will be a complete eye opener for you and will reveal to you how you got stuck in this situation. Also go online and read as much as you can about co-dependency.2. Get counselling NOW. Do this immediately, before you burn out. Go to your doctor and say you just cannot cope anymore and make sure that they take you seriously. The road ahead involves completely re-training your own mind and that of others into realising that you are NOT the person that they think you are - it's not at all easy to do this but the other option is that you will basically get dumped on for the rest of your life AND you will never find a way out of it because you won't see the patterns that put this in place right from when you were a child.
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