A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We have a married couple with 2 kids where the husband wishes to divorce his wife but she wants to continue with the marriage.Here are some questions I'd like to get your answers to :1)How can a single father protect himself and the kids when he maintains a highly paid job and wants to divorce his wife who happens to be a housewife? 2)What are some ways she can blackmail him financially? 3) How can she blacmail him using the kids?3)What are the first steps he should consider taking towards his a) financial protection b) right to see his kids?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): "Of course people should divorce if they wish, but somtimes one partner wants to fight to save their marriage, nothing wrong with that. Nobody is hostage marriage is most often choice. "
But here's the thing. When one spouse wants to divorce and the other wants the marriage to continue, and "everyone else" meaning outsiders are guilting the one who wants to divorce and pressuring him to stay against his will. Then, isn't this a hostage situation? Sort of like what looks to be going on in this thread where most people here feel the husband in this post is wrong to want to divorce his wife (even though they have no idea WHY he wants to divorce her)? or is this saying that only if both spouses want to divorce, then would it be OK...if one wants to divorce and the other doesn't, then the one who wants to leave shouldn't be allowed to leave..? (bear in mind that in many abusive marriages, the victim eventually wants to leave but the abuser wants the marriage to continue.)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): whether the wife is the mother of his children or not if he wants to divorce her he has every right to. Women shouldn't make themselves dependent on husbands and then use that dependency to hold the men hostage to them against their will if the relationship turns sour, that's just not right ... maybe she cheated on him, maybe she's abusive to him, maybe she's really nasty to him and that's why he wants to divorce...just because she's the mother of his kids doesn't make otherwise unacceptable behavior into acceptable and thus for him to be held hostage to the marriage. this guy needs a good lawyer so he can be free from a woman he doesn't want to be tied to anymore but who's apparently trying to keep him trapped against his will. ..of course he should still support his children, and the courts will make him do that, but that's separate from being married to her and owing her.
maybe I'm biased because my ex-wife married me for my money, I found out later. she had multiple affairs with different men for 9 years while being a stay at home mom to our twins. when I found out and wanted to leave her, people tried to crucify me "how can you leave her you bastard, she's a housewife and the mother of your kids!" and I didn't want to tell anyone that she cheated on me cos that's private stuff but in the absence of that I was the bad guy for divorcing her, and still am apparently.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Just because labor is unpaid doesn't make it any less "labor." Childcare, housecleaning, cooking, running errands, all WORK. Just because a housewife doesn't get paid to do her work doesn't make it any less important/valuable. Doesn't make her a "leach."
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Wait.. now I think about.. this is a man with a high powered job, so that means he has brains and he has money. Why does he need you to come here to ask about the law. Why doesn't he use his own lawyer.
How did he managed to get such a high powered job if he is so stupid? - None of this makes any sense.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 December 2011):
Sigh.. you can't make any sense out of our answers, that's because we can't make much sense of your post. You present as a woman aged 22-25 and currently living in the USA. Are you just pretending and are really the husband but your too shy to say who you are. Are you a sister or a mother or a neighbour or work colleague, who from the kindness of her heart just wants to help out. Or are you a girlfriend, currently having an affair with a married man, and gathering information to try to get him to leave his wife. Your not a friend of the wife, but you want us to believe all kinds of things about her like blackmailing, or refusal to divorce.All sounds funny, so the answers you get back are funny as well. Maybe you should tell the husband to write in for himself (if he really wants a divorce that is) and I assure you the advice will be better.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 December 2011):
First off, why is it your business what their finances are during their divorce? Why do you think she's going to blackmail him?
Second off, if she's a housewife and he's the one wanting the divorce, you think it's fair for him to keep every cent of his money and what, throw her out on the street homeless with nothing after she gave up a career and made herself dependent on him to raise their kids? You think that's reasonable?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): it's no surprise that she is persistent in keeping this marriage together. Anyone who insists on keeping their spouse with them when the spouse themself clearly wants to leave, is not doing it out of love but out of not wanting to lose whatever it is the spouse provides for them. I'm guessing that since she's a housewife she relies on him to provide her with the lifestyle she's accustomed to. Of course she doesn't want to lose her sole resource-provider, otherwise she'd have to get a job on top of taking care of the kids and her life would be more difficult (like the rest of us who don't have the luxury of being stay at home parents.)
That doesn't mean he shouldn't divorce her if he really doesn't want her as a romantic life partner. She could be mean and unfair and abusive to him, especially if she is the sort of person who would use their children as weapons. All he can do is get a lawyer, and maybe also he should see a divorce counselor. (yes there are such things as divorce counselors, just like there are marriage counselors). A divorce mediator is a friendlier and less antagonistic option than a lawyer, so that may reduce her wrath. but if she's bent on screwing him over he'd best get a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): he should get a divorce lawyer no doubt about that. some women are leaches on their husbands (and society) and just because she's a housewife now doesn't mean that she's the innocent victim in his evil divorce scheme. (sorry but being a housewife doesn't make one a saint, some times the woman is just using the man as a slave money provider for her so that she never has to work another day in her life..my grandfather's wife did that to him, ruined him financially pre- and post-divorce and he never recovered from their marriage).
how might his housewife blackmail him? She could allege that he was having an affair during their marriage, so that this is no longer a "no fault" divorce instead it becomes a fault-divorce meaning that it's more like being put on trial like a criminal in court. This will make the penalty to him more severe, meaning the court will probably order him to pay her more money than otherwise, and may also punish him in other ways.
The housewife could also blackmail him by alleging that he abused her during the marriage. Or worse, that he abused the kids. She could fake witnesses like call on her friends to make up false testimony.
Divorce courts usually favor the wife. Some women use this to their advantage. The odds are not good for him even if he's done nothing wrong and his housewife is a scheming conniving manipulator, I'm sorry to say but that's the reality. The best he can do is get a good lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2011):
 Get a good lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 December 2011):
The only step he should take is talking to a lawyer.
Why do you want to divorce your wife who happens to be a housewife?
What makes you think you will get the children and not her?
You do realize you will likely be paying for her lawyer during the divorce and for child support and possibly alimony.
All of these things must be discussed with a lawyer.
Because you have children together, you and your wife NEED to do what is best for them and their well being. Even if you don't love each other and are angry and upset with one another, you should NEVER EVER USE YOUR CHILDREN TO HURT ONE OF THEIR PARENTS.
Using children as weapons to fire emotional salvos at the opposing party in a divorce war is morally reprehensible.
You are a manipulator (you are the father/husband or possibly a woman he is seeing...you aren't the wife in this situation.).
Shame on you for asking for suggestions to hurt your own children under the guise of trying to keep them safe.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Steps to take
1)divorce/family lawyer
2) divorce/family lawyer
3) divorce/family lawyer
BEFORE he does anything else.
I'm from the uk so this is a guess, but I assume each state will have its own laws with regards to custody, divorce and child maintenance, therefore its impossible to give anything but the most basic advice.
As their father you have a right to see your children and to apply for custody if that is what you wish. Your children have a right to live in a secure, loving & supportive family environment (families come in all shapes and sizes), and to be provided for financially.
In my view, as you are the main income earner then this financial responsibility is now yours until your (ex) wife is employed. It is not the nations responsibility to provide for them (I know you never suggested it was, I'm just being thorough).
I'm afraid I will not be drawn into advice on blackmail.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 December 2011):
 You say, "...we have..." WHO has???? Are you the girl that this married guy is fooling around with? ... and you are trying to learn what he's in for if he continues to fool around with you? ... and you're hoping that he can, somehow, dodge the bullet that he'll incur if he continues to fool around with you????
Just asking....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 December 2011):
Blackmail.. nope. So he wants to divorce, but he wants to keep all the money to himself... Tell him to go and find a lawyer and an accountant.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2011):
 The first thing he needs to do is speak to a lawyer who specializes in divorce.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Blackmail advice? This is Dear Cupid not Dear Criminal. I suggest he sees a lawyer ASAP
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