A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone....Though I'm old enough to know better, you'd think I would know better than to feeling defeated. My family consists of my parents, my sister and her husband and kids, and me and my fiancee. I am educated and a hard worker and a volunteer at church. I'm a good friend and a fun aunt and very compassionate and caring and loving. I try to cater to those around me, and if I can't I usually have a good reason for not being able to attend to them or visit with them or to help out. Whatever reason that may be, there's always a good reason and there's no vindictive reason to do so. A few years ago, my uncle had passed and family from all over the U.S. came down to town and we had a family reunion. It wasn't a happy occasion but it was nice to see family we haven't seen in such a long time. Us cousins talked and got together. It was nice talking with this one cousin (whom I shall call Amber) I haven't seen in a long time. She and her husband had built a home from scratch and had invited me to come down sometime to visit with her and her family in another town. This would have been an added expense and at that time, I was going through some financial difficulty. I didn't tell about this considering it wasn't her business to know. We talked some and she had mentioned without apologizing how much she didn't care for this one cousin (whom I shall call Jane) of ours and she had made it known with the choice of words and lashing of her anger towards her. I thought it was a bit harsh but didn't say anything. Well, after the reunion and a few months later, I had decided to go visit with grandma in another state, though I was thinking of visiting with cousin Amber in her hometown (that would have costed even more so to fly over and stay at a nearby hotel/motel). I'm not sorry for having gone to visit grandma considering she was already showing signs of alzheimers and forgetfulness and having diabetes amongst other things. Grandma died a few short months after and the funeral was down here in my town where the majority of her children lived. Amber was furious that I had decided to visit with grandma instead of her and when she came down for the funeral and reception, she was ticked and avoided me like the plague. In fact, she snubbed me and made it known to others in the family that her anger was directed toward me and of the reason why. I thought that was a bit childish of her to feel this way and I don't regret having gone to visit with grandma one last time before she died. It didn't help that my sister and her family went to this cousin's hometown and spent a couple of days with this cousin and her family. What nailed it for me was when Amber's brother got married and had a reception up a few miles from where I live. They had placed me on a table that held ten chairs but only 3 of us (me and two teenagers that didn't talk to me and avoided me and sat at the other side of the table). I went to sit with my sister and family and a cousin, but was told I had to sit back at my table because there is no room for me. Amber looked at me with a pathetic look on her face and her mother looked at me with a sad yet whatever look. My parents didn't say anything because this was my dad's sister and they were close so I didn't say anything. I just smiled and sat with others when I could but had to return back when the others came back for their seats. I was ignored and looked down on. Amber has made it known in a number of ways that she doesn't like me and that most likely am a liar cause I said I'd come to visit with her and her family but haven't made it so far. I'm not about to tell her I have financial problems. On the same side of the family is another female cousin (whom I shall call Jane). She's always had a bad attitude for years and isn't afraid to tell her opinion and thoughts of othres and Amber doesn't like her at all and has made it a mission of hers to tell others unashamedly about it. What's sad is Jane and I have been close however, I never knew she was talking about me behind my back saying how unattractive I was. At the same time, she was doing the same thing about my sister and her husband. The sad thing was she was going around spreading things about my sister and her husband. She even went as far as to tell me how she hoped my sister's marriage fails. Jane was married at one time, however, her husband had an affair with another woman ten years their senior. Jane is a good mother and parent and I don't have any complaints against her except for her badmouthing. The problem I have is since the wedding of cousin Amber's brother, Jane has become chummy with my sister and husband. Thats not bad, but it has made me uncomfortable considering she has told me much about my sister and brother in law's credit and debts (she used to work at the bank but no longer works there) and has even gone over to our uncle (who happens to be a lawyer)to see if they can do a background check on my brother in law. She even has told me in secret how much she hoped my sister's marriage ends in divorce. I was upset with her and now she was like a snake trying to be friendly and cozy with my sister. So now,she has been saying things about me even more so now then ever because she wanted to be a part of my wedding plans and tell me that my wedding is going to be terrible looking because my way isn't good and her planning of my wedding with the decor is and would be better than any other. At the same time she even wanted to know the phone number and social security number and address and anything else of my fiancee so she can do a background check. I told her I dont' know anything and I wasn't about to divulge any information just so she can look him up. She wasn't happy about that and even enlisted my uncle to help her out. Ever since then, she has acted like I purposely hurt her feelings and has even went on to buy gifts for aunts and flaunt it in front of me. At one point, she came up to me and said "You see, I'm the good girl of the family now". I didn't care about who was the good girl. I was more or less happy to be a part of the family. Jane is conniving and can be alluring to those that don't know her well. I told my fiancee about this and he was a bit upset that this cousin wanted as much info about hm so she can do a background check on him but at the same time, he's been singing her praises to make her feel good by saying that she's a great designer and she is a great party coordinator. I told him to never ever go out of his way to sing her praises. He was upset with me for saying this to him. He said she was family and I told him if he ever does that again, I will never ever invite him to parties again. I did not want him to take her side. I wanted him to take my side considering that her actions were hurting me. Maybe that sounds rather "childish" or immature, but that's hw I feel. In fact, he says that Jane and he have more in common than he does with me because they both love doing the same things like family trees and have gone to private schools and love doing the same things. I told him off and said if he wanted to go with her then he should just go. He told me no and that he wanted to be with me. It's too late I think considering he already said he loved the enemy and not me. He said we dont' have much in common and still yet wants to marry me. I told him if he ever decided to go out with Jane because we're cousins, I would divorce him. By the way, Jane is younger than me by a year and Amber is older by about 5 years. Jane has made this known in numerous amount of ways that I'm mean amongst other things and acts like the victim. My sister gloats about being in great terms with all our cousins and says she loves family and says it all the time. In fact, she keeps asking if I'm going to invite Amber and her family to my wedding and if so, can she wants to sit with them on the same table. I don't feel like inviting these cousins to my wedding but I know it's not right. I am even having second thoughts about this fiancee of mine. He says he loves me but now, I'm beginning to wonder. Please help. Any thoughts on this is a big welcome. I feel so....blah...why does it have to be this way????My fiancee, well....he's another story. He says that he loves me yet at the same time...throughout the years, he'd say things like, "I'd be married by now to Cyn if things were different" - she was a neighbor he grew up with (she's four years his senior). She came to town once and called him from her home that she didnt' see anything great about our town and he was surprised that she didn't call him when she down here. He told me that the next time she was in town to call him and he would spend the entire week with her regardless if we have something to do. I told him no...that if she came down, we (both he and I) would spend a couple of days with her. He was not liking that, but I told him that is how it is and will be from here on. Then he said that at one time, he was interested in marrying another girl but wasn't sure how she felt. He said he liked her and had made it known to everyone at school but she was well liked by the majority of guys at school. He even bought her flowers for Valentine's Day but so did a bunch of other guys. He has made it known several times within the past 3 years we've dated. I told him how hurt I was by all this (and at one time he said his ideal woman was one that was blonde (I've got black hair) and fair skin and is of Irish background - which I'm not of. I told him these were all hurtful things to hear from a man who I'm getting married to. He said this was a past thing, but I told him if it's a past thing then why say those things to me in the first place? He said stop saying it or else it will come true. I told him he's either hoping another woman will come into the picture and sweep him off his feet and that would be an excuse to get out of marrying me. At one time, when I told him I may have a medical condition, he told me that this is something he has to take time out to think about...whether it's worth staying in the relationship or move on without me. I was upset and didn't know what to do. He asked for time out and I asked him if it meant ending the relationship and he said he doesn't know yet and had to think about it. It took him over two days to figure out that he needed me and didn't want to end the relationship. This is now something I'm beginning ot wonder if he's someone I want to be with. It's like when the going gets tough, he wants to think it over and see if it's worth being in. I was heartsick and saddened adn told him but he got upset because I told him how I felt when he did what he did. He felt justified and I felt angry with him.Is something wrong with me? Am I taking things too seriously? Should I be more wary of family and my fiancee? Sorry this is sooo long and maybe winded. I had to get this off my chest. Any help would be appreciated!! Thanks gang!!
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affair, cousin, debt, divorce, fiance, flowers, her ex, immature, liar, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Anonymous Female and JDinCali, thank you both for your honest opinion and thoughts. I was feeling sorry for myself and didn't know what to do. I was up to my neck and sometimes in over my head with going to family gatherings or even whether I'd have someone to talk to at family parties. I was also beginning to wonder if having a wedding to celebrate with family and friends was a bad idea. I want to celebrate with everyone around me...even though those cousins aren't exactly on friendly terms with me. I want to go to family get togethers and wonder if I'm going to enjoy myself. I can't make everyone happy nor is it my job to do so. My job is to love myself and to have a good time with others. It's a job I'd have to work on and I know I can do it. If my fiancee decides to make time with other women (with whom he has an interest in) then he wasn't worth it to begin with. I need to start investing in myself...regain my confidence in me...love who I am and smile. Thank you aunt agonies.
A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Loose lips, sink ships and there's a lot of gossip that's tearing your family apart. The best thing to do is to take a step back from all the "smack talk" and take the high road by socializing with family that isn't backstabbing. Make sure your actions are good, dedicated to your family and they can't say you're wrong.
Regarding your Fiance, he has no business getting caught up with another woman. If he's not 100% for you, then ditch him!
A support group is what you need! Maybe a small group at church can help or a gym membership to vent your frustrations out regularly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): It is a long story. But it's the story of your life, and important to you. Don't allow the unpleasant remarks other people make and the unpleasant actions they do go to much to your heart. There is nothing wrong with you that I can see, but you may need to tweak how you interact with others a bit. You might need to worry less about what they think and about what they want. You can never please everyone all the time, and should not waste time trying. If you are pleasant, compassionate and consistent in your interactions with others, that is all that can be asked. You don't OWE it to cousins or fiancees to make them happy. They may be exhibiting a predatory behavior by using your sensitivity to target you for unpleasant remarks. The only thing to do is to not allow it to affect you materially. You can, and should, make decisions consistent with your own values and priorities, and let others do the same. You cannot expect others to agree with you, and you should not seek validation from them on many issues. It offers them too much power over you, and you are too tempted, due to your preference to be approved of and appreciated, to succumb to the desire to please, to be heard, validated, whatever.
Now, with respect to the fiance, you can review his actions and interactions with you over the last several months to see if there really is something to be aware of. If your gut is telling you that he does not value and appreciate you, that he does not think you are really the BEST thing that ever happened to him, maybe he should not be your fiance. You can, and should, limit exposure to objectionable people. You can, and should, accept that sometimes they will do things that are petty, and you will choose to say nothing for the sake of family harmony. You can, and should, keep the number of exceptions you allow for such incidents to a bare minimum. You are not obligated to exert yourself to please everyone, and it really is insane to try. You can be considerate, passionate, and ethical without being a doormat. Your sense of self is going to define how others try to relate to you. If you really think you are a bit lacking in confidence, or if you feel that the accumulated grievances warrant a closer examination of how you are put together as a person and how you are interacting with others, you could look into a few sessions with a competent, sympathetic, but honest counselor or support group of your choice. By the way, you don't have to have an excuse that others would consider valid in order not to help out at church or when the family asks for assistance. You just have to be an ethical person who is true to her own values, and give yourself the same compassion you are so quick to offer others. Finally, let go of the insults and injuries. It might take time, but it is a gift to yourself. It really frees you much more than it does the perpetrator. It does not mean you have to expose yourself to bad situations on an ongoing basis. It just means that you give yourself permission to live in the present, free from either pain for the past or fear for the future. Hope this helps just a bit!
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