A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My daughter (29) is expecting her first child with her husband. They recently announced it's a boy. Apparently my son-in-law's family has a tradition of naming eldest sons the same name - let's just say it's John. So my son-in-law's father is John, his grandfather is John, his older brother is John, etc. My son-in-law's mother reacted by immediately saying "Oh, a little John!". My daughter looked crestfallen. I spoke to her about it and she said they've picked a name, and it's not John. My son-in-law is happy with whatever, so her idea is for John to be a middle name. The child won't be going by John. But her mother-in-law is obsessed with this family name.When my daughter tried to bring it up with her, and said they're actually thinking of using John as a middle name, this woman was appalled. She called their decision disappointing and upsetting, and pointed out that my daughter's child won't be the first for our family (my elder daughters both have children), so this is "more important" and "more special" to her and her family, because she's becoming a grandma for the first time. I think she's being quite childish, and from what I've seen of her, this seems in character - she likes to centre herself in family occasions. We're polite and friendly to each other, but I don't get a very genuine vibe from her.Anyway, my daughter is very anxious about the whole thing. She's shy by nature and doesn't like to make waves, and I want to be able to give her advice for sorting this situation out. I don't want her to feel she has to cave in and name her son something she really doesn't want to. But I don't know what to say. Of course I don't want there to be trouble and animosity, especially as this year is stressful enough as it is for everyone! Does anyone have any ideas? Thank you.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 August 2020):
 You can’t get involved, but you can be a sounding board for your daughter and reassure her that you will love her and their baby regardless of his name, that she is his mother and that is what matters most.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): The parents should be allowed to pick whatever name they like for their child. Grandparents should butt out. All you can do is support your daughter and son in law in whatever decision they want to make.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 August 2020):
 I think you should stay out of it as well, your daughter is a grown woman and soon to be a mother.
If SHE and her husband are FINE with using the name as a middle-name, I think they should. But that is MY personal opinion and I'm sure you have one too, however, THIS is for them to sort out.
My grandmother went against family traditions when naming my mom and aunt... everyone got over it. Though my mom did give ME the middle name that was "intended" for her first name :) I didn't use it for any of my girls but my brother used it (as a middle-name again). I have 3 cousins (4th cousins so pretty remote) with the female "family name" and one with the male one. SO it's still in the family.
I would simply tell her (IF SHE ASKS) that you think she and her husband should pick the names THEY want for their son, that you would love the baby NO LESS because of his name :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): If the husband's mother is relentlessly lobbying to get her way; it is likely your SIL feels pressured by his mother. It doesn't mean she wins. I entirely agree with Youcannotbeserious; and I think you should stay neutral, and do your best to console and support your daughter. You don't get to tell them what to do, nor fight her battles.
Please don't use your children as pawns; because you will ruin their marriage.
Personally, I think the tradition is ridiculous and confusing. If you've never encouraged your daughter to speak-up for herself; it is inappropriate for you to now step-in with the intention of speaking on her behalf. She is a grown-woman. You aren't the one having a baby!
If you interfere, there will become a never-ending feud between in-laws; while your feelings about your son-in-law's mother are already tentative. If you apply undue-pressure on your daughter; he'll definitely side with his mother, if he's a mama's-boy. You will only give this woman all the more reason to ride your daughter; and you will not always be there to protect her. She will have to learn to stand-up for herself. This generation of moms and dads are not stuck on corny old hill-billy traditions. If they are still undecided; that means they aren't totally sold on the tradition, in spite of her meddling and badgering. If you catch this woman bullying your daughter, deal with that. You're a lioness too, but err on the side of wisdom and class. The naming-issue is strictly between the mother and the father of the child.
Hit the pause button for now, my dear!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 August 2020):
 I know you mean well and want to protect your daughter but you really should not be getting involved in this. This should really be something over which the parents (your daughter and her husband) decide between them, then just tell MIL what is going to happen. How she chooses to handle that is HER choice. She can choose to be happy to have a new grandchild, or she can choose to hold it against them because they do not want to follow the family tradition of naming the child John (or whatever). Just as this has nothing to do with you, it also has nothing to do with your son-in-law's parents. While I can understand the wish to follow family traditions, I also understand that some people may not wish to follow this path.
For what it matters, my first thought was to use the "family name" as a middle name so you writing that this is what they have thought of makes perfect sense as a compromise. In your shoes I would say to the future parents, "This is YOUR child. It is YOUR choice what you decide to call him. You two need to stand united, make a decision you are both happy with and stick to it. Whether anyone else is happy with your decision or not is their choice."
I understand you wanting to stick up for them against the father's mother but you need to let them make their own decisions. They are adults. They will not always have you there to fight their corner for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): Just an idea! could there be a double-barrel name that goes with John, I do remember a young boy called John-Michael.
Personally I think it very selfish of the Mother In law to try and guilt your daughter into her choice of name. I don't think she has any right whatsoever to have a say in what they call their own child. I think keeping it as a middle name is good enough but only if both parents agree. Baby's have to trust that their parents choose a name that they will like, not what granny pops like.
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