A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:some background: I am an expat living in my husbands country. Despite that on the surface, everyone gets along, there has been unspoken tension for years. Without listing everything off, basically my MIL and my BILs gf have given me silent treatment and cold shoulder and at times would blatantly not acknowledge me. These behaviors were incredibly hurtful and left me feeling intimidated to be around them. I often felt that they projected onto me what they wanted to see and judge me when they got their answers. For instance, they all like to play games and engage in activities together. I often participate even though it's not my thing. So sometimes I say no or sit that one card game out. They take offense to this and think I don't want to spend time with them. I feel it is unfair to require me to participate to appease them than to leave me be and let me engage as I feel. Eventually all of our problems came to a head and we talked some things through. I put my feelings to the side so we could have a better relationship. I really tried to turn things around. I felt I put in a huge effort to show up, participate, show the good friend In me by helping out where I could, be emotionally supportive, too. But then they created a point based competition on our fitness activity. I initially agreed because I wanted to continue to show up and go along for them. But then I felt like I needed to listen to myself, my body... The competition was a month long game where we would compare our points weekly. One day into it, I finally told them that I was actually really uncomfortable with the concept and didn't want to participate. Truthfully, I had a lot of personal issues going on that I knew would also hinder me from competing fairly and well. But I didn't want to divulge that information with them as we are not that close anyway. They accepted that my husband and I wouldn't play along but I could sense there was still some judgement there. Anyway, their game comes to an end and they (MIL, FIL, BIL, gf) still expected us to pay into the dinner for the winners. My husband and I got mad because we felt that was unfair to insist on us to pay for them when we were not playing along. But they feel that because we said yes at first, that you can't back out of an agreement... Am I wrong for thinking this is utterly absurd? (At the time, the dinner was a fixed price of 30e/person costing my husband and I close to 100e total. For the record, I am unemployed and 100e makes a huge difference in my life)Second part is that, after my MIL talked with my husband about just paying for it anyway, they agreed to let us pay for just the appetizers as we didn't participate that much... We were not happy about it but we agreed because I didn't want to go backwards after all the hard work I did to prove myself and have better relationships with them. At the dinner, we got separate bills but my MIL took the winners meals on her bill. We were confused because we thought we were splitting the winners meal/apps. We thought it didn't make sense to pay for our own meals on one bill and then pay them a portion of a portion separately. Why not take the whole bill and let use pay them for our entire portion? So we thought maybe they considered our feelings more and decided they shouldn't take our money after all. Am I wrong to think that the way the bill was split doesn't make any sense if they expected us to pay?We never ended up talking about it again until just around Christmas they said my BIL and his gf have been asking my MIL and FIL if we have paid them yet several times over the past three months and now they want their money because it's the principle.I've left out some details, but in the midst of this, they have fat shamed us, they said we have a skewed sense of right and wrong, that there couldn't be a misunderstanding because we knew we had debt as if we intentionally cheated them out of money. I feel really hurt by this whole ordeal and feel my integrity and character is under attack over money. My husband and I are pretty generous and helpful when we can, but in this case we felt that they were not entitled to our money. Despite that we were willing to pay up to keep the peace but then to be ultimately accused of being cheap, cheating them out of money, and refused to accept it was a misunderstanding feels as though I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Am I crazy?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2020): Hi there,
I’m from the U.K. same as you and I am married to a man from a different country.
Same like you I have been used and abused by his family and now I’ve had enough that my husband won’t stand up to them and so I am back here in the U.K. and divorcing my husband and I feel a lot better now.
Give your husband back to them. Your fighting a losing battle.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2019): I would just add to what the others have said by pointing out that his family - who seem awful, and very bullying - are probably trying to divide you two. Behaviour such as theirs is intended to put pressure on you both so that you feel deeply uncomfortable as a couple because his loyalties will be torn between family and you. I agree 100% with WiseOwlE that he is being cowardly. BUT his family know this about him and are playing on this - they know he won't stand up to them in any fully assertive way and they know he won't do this to protect you. That's not to say he doesn't love you, but his character seems this way and they are playing on it. So, ultimately, I'd say it is highly disrespectful of both of you but aimed more at weakening him (as they know his weaknesses) and causing a divide between you, so that you become isolated.
Whether you let them divide you on this matter is entirely up to you. But maybe reflect on how your husband's handling of this situation is causing pain for you; do you need more from a man in terms of setting boundaries around what he will and will not accept for him and his wife, including from family? Did you move to be with him because he was too weak to move to be close to you and your family? Can you live with his weaknesses? I'm asking all of this - and there's more to ask - because I'm pre-empting the kind of questions that this divisionism will cause you to ask yourself if it carries on; they want to divide you by causing you to doubt one another and to argue with one another and to test him about where his loyalties really lie; you may want to ask yourself these questions BUT bear in mind that this is also exactly what they want, to begin to instil doubt in you. Think these questions through, but bear in mind his family want you to react and turn against him - a tricky situation, and only you can really decide whether to stay loyal to your husband or to ask more of him in terms of defending your rights and boundaries as a couple; if you can find a way to do that without automatically starting to divide from him (which is what they want) then that will be best. Maybe simply tell him that this is what you fear they are aiming for but also discuss possible different ways that he could handle the situation to show more loyalty to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2019): Here's what I see. You are an outsider, and you're up against the prejudices and ill-will of your husband's family. You are not welcomed into the fold, and they resent him for bringing you. They are purposely trying to rob you, they are persecuting you as an outsider and foreigner; and they are exercising their bigotry to make you feel uncomfortable. The objective is to never allow you to feel loved or accepted; no matter what you do.
You have done all you could ever do to show an attempt to become a part of your husband's family. The fact is, they are too bigoted to accept you. The don't like you, and you're bending-over backwards. They want to humiliate you and your husband; and make you as miserable as they can. They are working as a gang to create a toxic-environment for you in-particular. Your husband apparently isn't aggressive enough to tell them to their faces what they're doing, and why they're doing it. He knows but he's a coward. He wants their approval, regardless of what they put you through. He is not protective of you, and you're not protective of yourself. You buckle-under, rather than stand your ground and preserve your dignity. Either grow a backbone, or be their doormat.
Distance from these people is your only protection. You've given-up your family to be with your husband. You are now living in another country; while your kinship are all left faraway and behind. I think you should concentrate more on your own family; and let your husband deal with his. Do not attend their functions, let him go alone. As for money, don't you dare pay them another tarnished penny! Stop sucking-up to those horrid people; they are purposely making a fool of you, and doing everything they can to hurt you. Maintain your dignity and pride, stay-away from them! These are nasty people. They mean you no-good, and their bigotry and hatefulness will never allow them to show you the respect you deserve. They are ungracious and conniving!
The dinner-ordeal and taking money from you was nothing but a setup for you and your husband! Something to hold over your head and to make you feel beneath them. Just so they can say you're cheap and don't pay your debt. It was a stupid bet, and you both were foolish to place yourselves in the position you're in. You couldn't afford it! It's a stupid bet, and you are under no legal obligation to pay it! Nor should you allow yourselves to be intimidated about it! When you cower to bullies, they will make your life a living-hell! As you can see!
Refuse to come along, only to allow your husband to subject you to their venom. Enough, is enough! Either he gets his family straight, or you refuse to see them!
I strongly suggest that you save your money; so you can go home and see those who truly love you. Your countrymen and family, who make you feel the warmth of their welcome. You will not get that from your husband's parents, his brother, or his girlfriend. You don't seem to know when people are telling you they don't like you! Well, I guess they've given you a heap of evidence that you don't seem to understand! You can't and won't earn any affection from them...SO STOP TRYING! How many times must they hurt you? If he wants to be with his family, let him go without you. Go ahead, foolishly let him make you go; then be prepared for another round of being dipped in their excrement and dehumanized.
Sorry, there is no advice to make them good people. Nothing short of an act of God. You do not have to subject yourself to cruelty. That's voluntary. If your husband insists on dragging you through it; his love and respect for you is questionable. I would never drag someone I love through all that cruelty, and I wouldn't be so weak and unmanly as not to protect my mate! I just wouldn't allow it, no matter how much I love my family! It would be unacceptable. That just me. Go make yourself some friends. Seek-out your own kind, those who speak you language, eat your kind of food, and look like you! That way, you will not feel isolated and obligated to subject yourself to the humiliating and cruelty of that gang of bigots related to your cowardly-husband. Sorry, if you feel offended by me calling him that. If he wasn't, you wouldn't be writing DC!
A man who can't make his wife feel safe and protected is falling short of his manhood, and being a good-husband. As his wife, you have done everything humanly-possible to be good to his family; yet they refuse to treat you with kindness. The problem is, you have a man who has a hateful and prejudiced-family. Don't force yourself on them anymore. They will only hurt you, sweetheart! I don't know what your race, religion, or nationality is; but I do know prejudice when the evidence is set before me. You do too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2019): This family seems crazy.Are you sure you want to deal with this forever?I would be rethinking this marriage.When you marry someone their family becomes yours.Do you want this?Maybe both of you could move somewhere far away from these loons? They are not normal.Tell your husband to read these replies.He was raised with this so he cannot see how crazy they really are...he more than not thinks the way they act is normal.If they badmouth you or treat you bad if your husband loved you he would have your back and protect you.Does he? I think you should cut your losses and run.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2019): It seems to me that you are living with your inlaws otherwise you can simply keep away from them. visit them occasionally and live your lives separately from them. That is what 99% of married couples do. Your inlaws seem to enjoy annoying you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 December 2019):
 What does your husband say to all this?
You two have to decide TOGETHER if this is acceptable or not. And then what to do.
Because you two has to live with whatever you decide?
Personally, this would be a no go for me.
If you can't AFFORD to do this then tell them or make an excuse as to why you can't make it.
I think you two are being bullied because they have figured out that BOTH of you seem o give in if pressured enough. You two want to try and PLEASE every one and it's JUST not going to happen. So at least PLEASE yourself and your husband, so to speak.
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