A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is going to his cousins funeral tomorrow. He said that I could go with him at first, but then he told me not to go as the service will only be for about 30 minutes and there won't be many people there. I feel hurt that he said I could go and then he changed his mind. Also, when we spoke on the phone yesterday, he said he was worried because his cousin was in his 50's when she died and he is in his 50's, and he said that it wasn't fair on me as I lost my uncle when he was in his 50's a few years ago. He hung the phone up on me. I told him to grow up as I think it is childish to hang up the phone. He replied saying "f*** you". I was very hurt that he said that to me. We spoke again after that. I said that I felt that I am not good enough for him and also said that if he is depressed or anxious, I could help him, as I have depression and anxiety too. He said that he wants to get the funeral over with and then sort his head out and then discuss things with me. Everytime he has problems, which is a lot, he pushes me away. What do you think?.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 I would like to ask how the situation is now with you guys?
A
male
reader, sQript  +, writes (20 February 2017):
I do that a lot. Why don't you give him some space man. Stop smothering him. He needs alone time, especially when somethings happened. He's still an individual.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): If he is going through his grief, he is not himself. It is not a time to be picking at anyone's emotions. They will be short-tempered and may snap only due to their raw feelings and mourning. It is natural. It's the worst time to pick a fight.
When someone is mourning and they ask you to leave them alone; leave them alone. It's not about you or your feelings; right now it's about his. Men don't openly show emotion, and will try to appear tough by being angry and distant. We hide and lick our wounds.
Who wants to go to funerals anyway? Were you close to his cousin? If you weren't, let him go and leave like he wishes. I don't see why you're taking this personally? Let him deal with his grief in his own way. If he needs space, give it to him.
Bringing strangers who don't really know the family that well sometimes offends those in bereavement. Thus people indicate "family only" or request their privacy. The wake is usually open to the public and outsiders.
Sometimes it is assumed without being told. He's of the old-school, and he's probably being considerate of those closer to his cousin. If he doesn't want your comforting at the moment; just stand-back until he does. So don't make this a relationship-issue. It isn't. A funeral is a very sad event, and family is drawn closer together. Just respect that. He may not wish you there to witness his emotional-reaction. It would probably embarrass him. Respect that too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): I told him to grow up because he hung the phone up, which I think is very rude. He has done that a lot throughout our relationship. I have decided not to see him anymore. And the swear words that he used towards me were out of order. Whether he is grieving or not, he still shouldn't speak to me like that.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 February 2017):
He is grieving and you tell him to grow up? Seriously? I think you need to take a step back. He obviously deals with things differently to you, if you feel the relationship is always on his terms then maybe this relationship is not working for you. Maybe you need more than he can actually give?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): There have been lots of times when he told me not to meet him, such as the cold weather, him not wanting to stay out long, him being ill, etc. It's always on his terms. We very rarely see each other and when we do, it's only when and where he wants to
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (9 February 2017):
He's definitely not the greatest communicator in the world. It's difficult to say for certain without knowing him, but your boyfriend is probably the sort who wants to grieve by himself. We all have vulnerable emotions when a saying our last goodbyes to a loved one we've known all our lives, and we all react in different ways. I can imagine him loving you very much but still wanting to go thru this by himself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 February 2017):
 As you suffer from depression and anxiety, you probably feel empathy for your boyfriend. However, admirable as it is that you want to support and help him, you cannot force him to accept that offer if he prefers to cope with whatever his problems are on his own.
Regarding the funeral, I am a bit puzzled as to why you are taking this so personally. He has told you why he does not want you to go; why can't you take that on board and understand it? His mind will be on grieving for his cousin (and probably on his own mortality as well). Understand that he wants to do this alone. This is HIS way of coping. It is not a slight of you or your offer of help.
From your post it sounds like you offering to help and him pushing you away is a pattern of behaviour which occurs throughout your relationship. Your natural instinct is to try to help him, while his natural instinct is to withdraw and work things out for himself. You need to understand that he is not the same as you, to stop trying to force him to accept your offers of help and support, and to allow him space when he needs to sort his head out. It is not a rejection of you; it is the way he is.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I think I would need more context on the other times this has happened because this one seems perfectly legitimate. I could understand him feeling awkward bringing a girlfriend to a funeral if it turns out only a few close relatives are making it to the funeral. I also think that he was expressing concern for you and not being self-centered about it. I don't know the part about why he hung up on you… but I don't think it's helpful to tell grieving person to grow up so I think that was not a nice move on your part. You shouldn't take it personally that he's saying that he doesn't want you at the funeral now, it makes sense why he changed his mind, and it's really up to him what he feels like he needs at that moment and you should respect what he feels he needs as far as the grieving and funeral process goes.
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