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anonymous
writes: I have recently seperated from a 12 year marriage and my X is in the police force. He is still coming around on his days off and we have been trying to sort things out as I know how much he loves me. My delemia is that even though I still love him too I am feeling like I am living in a twilight zone, as there are so many things against us being together that I keep feeling that this is just the calm before the storm. You see I have always been a very social person, I make freinds easily and like to have the occassional get together. My X is very possessive and not socialble in general, only with his work collueges etc. (I met him in the UK, he is British and 8 years older than me)He is a lovely person to be around when it is just him, I and our son.But if a 4th person or persons enter that space, even if its my sons from a previous marrige, or a good friend or family members, he becomes very tense and unreasonable, causing dramas to get my full attention.The last incident to which we have spilt was in public and was truly intorerable.He is saying that he realises all this now and wishes to try and change, but this is WHO he is.So that in itself creates a life for me that is so seperate from US, as I continue to pop out with friends sometimes.There is no deception, he knows I go and says its fine, but I can never take him with me as he would get to jealous and aggressive constantly accussing me of flirting or being an 'alcoholic' , as he puts it, even if Im just tipsy.I really don't know what to do for the best.My 2nd eldest son who is 14years old (our biological son is 11yrs old) does not want me to have him back living at the house (we have been living sepretley since the beginning of November) but copes with him visiting, though tends to stay in his room playing playstation etc until he leaves.Meanwhile the son we have together loves seeing his Dad and we all get on fine, UNTIL as I say, contact from the OUTSIDE creeps in.I suppose I am just confused as to what I SHOULD be doing for the best.Both of our elderly parents just want to know that we are getting back together hopefully,and when Im happy with him I suppose I am giving him the idea that things are going to work out too.But in reality I feel its all so hopeless. Its breaking my heart really as I love him and the idea of finally letting go of him is very hard.We are going to our first counselling session in January, which has been set up for us through his work, but day to day I am alone and confused with what I feel.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 January 2006):
 See what comes out of the counseling but don't feel pressured to stay with him if things aren't changed. You can't let yourself be in a marriage that doesn’t allow you to live in the manner you want. Being such an outgoing personality, you will be miserable with this guy if he doesn’t ease up on the jealous behavior. You of course can remain friends for the sake of your son but you may need to live apart. Good luck with the counseling, that may be all that’s needed.
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