A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I have a question - does playing hard to get work and how do you do it?I am always the very willing one, always available, always wanting to spend time with my guy, quite needy and I always end up losing the guy I'm with! I think I am 'too available.'Thing is, i find the playing hard to get thing dishonest and quite 'gamey' although when a guy acts 'over-keen' with me, I have to admit I do find it a bit of a turn off and prefer someone who is slightly unavailable.I wouldnt be that bothered but I am almost 40 now and sick of losing guys! So, any tips and also to the guys; do you like it if a girl is not totally available and very independent and why?What should I do, ignore his calls, not be able to see him when he wants? Help, I'm no good at this stuff! I'm in love with my guy but I think I need to up my game to keep him. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2019): So I was definitely that guy that was too available, and just now in my 30's I'm realizing that the attraction killer is NOT so much about the guy pining after you, as much as the message it sends to you that he is "too available" which means not many women respect him and women don't compete over him; his priority and value in life is you, which also means he doesn't have many values and priorities that he takes as important. The problem is that he views you as his sole purpose in life; so one of two things happen: you know you're flawed and he only sees perfection, so you don't share that real connection because what he sees isn't real; or two: when he has you, there's nothing left to strive for, nothing left to work for.These are the types of unavailable men:Men in committed relationships/Married MenMen who cut contact as a means of emotional abuse or punishmentMen who "set boundaries"Men who are more focused on their career than on you.1. As a man, I can tell you, women chase after taken men wildly. Why is there so much adultery? We all want what we can't have. A woman feels emotionally unloved and turns to another and that chemistry leads to more; or a man feels physically unloved, but has women ready to do anything for his attention because they lost him to someone else2. These guys are jerks, but unfortunately, it also works because a woman had that emotional connection and will do anything to have it back2 is very closely related with 3, although 3 may or may not be offensive, depending.3. Boundaries is a term, sometimes rooted in psychology and other times rooted in theology that put up walls between people for one reason or another; they are designed to prevent a person from getting hurt, or to further reinforce a belief they want to hold. In a woman's case, there is usually a boundary in regards to her body and sex; however when a male sets a boundary, it is usually in regards to his heart and emotions; in both cases the reason for this is usually from a past hurt.4. Sometimes a guy is just not available because he works too much or has a life of his own; or is happy with his life, so creating an emotional connection is not at the top of his priority list.Even though there are motivations for each, they all seem attractive because they all seem like they're chasing after some dream, and it's not you, and you're constantly seeking that validation that you are loved, which spells out two very important things:You don't love yourself/aren't content with your life/aren't content with being singleYou want a man to make you happy, instead of being happy with yourself, and then finding a partner, whereby the both of you provide mutual support, instead of mutual codependency.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): All I know is that being too needy will send a man running everytime. You need to be independent and be yourself. Do not call him every free moment you have and do not answer your phone if you are extremly busy it is okay to call him back later that is not playing hard to get. Do not drop your friends or family for him either. Each man is different and respond differently to everything. Also, do not mold to be his perfect woman, he is already interested in you so do not change for him or become him. It is perfectly okay to share interests or even learn to love the things he loves. find a balance that works for you and him. Although, if you don't call for a couple of days it might have him wondering. I have done that to the guy I am seeing and by mid afternoon on the second day he will call and ask why I haven't talked to him. :)
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I'll vote for "A fine Romance" also... GREAT book!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Hey there, I'm the original poster. Thanks for the replies - eleven, wow!Tisha 1. I particularly liked your answer and I will look in to that book you mentioned. I agree with what you all have siad about 'The Rules,' that book is horrendous and personally I find it very anti-feminist and funny that one of the women that wrote it got divorced? Who came blame him, poor guy?! lol! there was one bit of 'advice' that I found particulalry mental - 'If a guy does not buy you jewellery on the first birthday/xmas - dump him.' Err, WTF?? Crazy shit and actually it's really bad that someone has mad loads of money about basically giving girls advice on how to stay single and lonely, forever. I am quite a needy person and I am trying to work on it. Hwever, i am also very loving and giving and I dont get as much back at times (maybe I give too much). I am also trying to decide if the guy I am with is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with as I sometimes feel i do most of the work, particularly around organsining spending time togther. I have questioned him about this and asked him if he does love me and he tells me he does. I dunno, maybe I shouldnt take it so personally; he is very laid back and I can be kinda intense.Thanks again for the time out to reply guys xxx
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I agree with some of the other posters here. If you play hard to get, it means to me, that you aren't very interested in pleasing me and that it is all about you. I lose interest pretty quick, unless you are incredibly super cute or something, but even then, I'd have to consider the risk and whether it's worth the effort.Leave the game playing to the junior highers -- if you like someone be just as affectionate and loving to them as they are to you and you won't go wrong.Good luck.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 The book that worked for me was "A Fine Romance" Judith Sills, PhD. It taught me not to play games but how to manage my behavior so that I didn't self-destruct the relationship. I was great at being too clingy and available, not so good at recognizing when a guy needs space and some mystery from a woman. It identified the patterns I fell into and how to change it up so I didn't take things personally that weren't really about me. That will make more sense if you read the book. Hope this helps!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
I'd like to say (in my defense) that I don't agree with "the rules" and I don't do it... never have never will.In fact I do 100% the opposite of the rules with folks that I care about and it works just fine....OP asked about how to play hard to get... easiest way to assist was give info to meet that request...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I've got to agree that The Rules do not work for the average woman...I read and analyzed that book during university for a social science class. Most of the men who read that book thought it was BS and said it only attracted meatheads and guys who wanted house-plant wives. That book is aimed and marketed to women (specifically women in an urban setting with many male dates available to pick and chose from) who are educated and ambitious for marriage, but don't want to appear either educated or ambitious. There is nothing wrong with being genuine and open with people. There is also nothing wrong with having your own life and taking your own pursuits seriously. If you're busy because you have something important going on in your life, then by all means, tell him you're busy. But if you're lying to him just to make an impression...well then that's just a new depth of desperation, isn't it?
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reader, Odds +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Don't read The Rules, they'll backfire horribly.As for your question, hard to get works pretty well before age 30. After that, not so much. It's a matter of using body language and voice tone that say "yes" with words that say "not yet." It's teasing, it draws the guy with the promise of a prize for just a bit more effort, the same way gambling does.After a certain age, guys just stop caring to put in that much effort, though. They've seen too many girls tease and play hard to get with no intention of ever letting his efforts pay off, so they get sick of it. At that point, playing hard to get just turns him off and makes him leave.What you want to do at this point is get him to put in the effort, but show that a payoff is going to happen. So, always return calls when you say you will - but a better choice would be to tell him when to call you, then answer at that time. Make him put in the initial effort, then immediately reward it. Or if he asks you out, tell him you can move some plans around with your friends and find a way to make it work. He doesn't need to know you didn't have plans, he just needs to see that his effort to take you out has been recognized and rewarded. Be sure to ask him to show you an extra-special time for the effort (and be sure to show him one, yourself).
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): It only keeps the guys who don't know how to ask outright for your attention and affection...and they usually aren't worth keeping anyway.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 May 2011):
 I think playing games and "pretending" to be someone else will surely backfire.If you are ALWAYS available, you might consider having a hobby or do things on your own (or with friends) from time to time.I think, that guys (many guys) is turned off by needy women more then available ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Playing silly games won't work. Playing hard to get won't work. You aren't that type of person so it will back fire anyway.There's no such thing as being "too available". The only thing you need to change is the clingy part. When you say "clinging" how so? Do you call the guy constantly? It is true that most men love independent women who have their own lives, friends etc but that should be natural anyway, that's not being "hard to get", that's called having a life!If a guy asks you out to dinner or whatever, then say yes. Don't play silly games because you'll come across as disinterested. You can be busy occasionally but don't just pretend you are when you're not. At your age you should be busy and independent anyway. If he asks you out and you are genuinely busy, don't cancel what you already had planned, instead tell him you're booked up that day but can do another day that week instead. That way you're showing you have a life but you're not blowing him off either.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
There is a book called "The Rules" that will easily explain to you about playing hard to get...here is the website to buy the books http://www.therulesbook.com/bookstore.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): 37-yr old guy here. We're not all alike, sadly, otherwise would make it easier. As far as I am concerned I hate game-playing. Minded it less when younger but now, hell no. Play hard to get, I will assume you're not interested and leave you alone.
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reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Hey, i am the same way as you in terms of availability.. and my last girlfiend was playing the hard to get role, which made me extremely uneasy about things... it was always me trying to see her, going to find her at lunch, making plans, making decisions, asking her to hangout, etc... you WILL find someone who is like you, when you find the right person, you will just know... there is no set time period to finding the one you will love forever, my grandfather finally found that person at the age of 65, my sister, found that person when she was 17, my uncle found that person when he was 25.. its really just a thing of, when you find them you know, and you will never know the time or place you find them, its just fate.hope i helped
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