A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone :) So I'm 19 and still a virgin which is kind of part of the problem and not. Anyway I need to know am I being way too expecting of love and sex? My parents had a unsatisfactory marriage and still do.I grew up in a home where they didn't love each other and there was no happiness and quite often my mother would talk of how the relationship was just sex sex she could get anywhere. I don't know if it is all of this that has made me so reluctant to go out there and give up my virginity but I feel like holding out for someone I love is being stupid and maybe over thinking things. I just want it to be special but I feel like I'll never fall in love I never meet anyone who blows me away I don't want a silly relationship for the sake of a relationship look where that got my parents. I want full blown love, something I cherish with someone I wouldn't want to live without and I know I'm young and that love won't last forever but I still want to feel it and give my virginity to that person. Is that stupid? Is it unrealistic? All my friends have boyfriends and I'm the last one who hasn't had sex they all don't understand I've had plenty of chances but I've never felt anything and that's something they don't get are they right? I thought I met someone once but they were a lot older (which I like I find older men a lot more attractive sexually) but things didn't work out I loved him and still something's feel like I miss him but it's been 4 years I need to move on. Anyway I guess what I'm asking is am I being unrealistic? Does love even exists anymore? Or should I just go out there find a guy who things could progress with hopefully and have sex with him? Thanks for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 It's funny that you note what your mom said about a relationship being sex sex sex. I commend you for being self-aware about the mistakes in your parents' marriage, but without knowing it, you have committed the same error as your mom in believing that your virginity is the key to a good marriage. You have unknowingly boiled down your choices to sex as well.
You are 19 and at a crossroads in your life, choosing your path in life, hopefully in college, and you must change your way of thinking. Everything boils down to your choice in a partner and in your self-actualization as a person, meaning that in everything you do, you should work to bring out the best in yourself. That means having a partner that has good qualities such as integrity, kindness towards others, and is going somewhere in life. You need those qualities yourself.
As to your matter of virginity, that is your personal decision. I agree with the others in that as you value your sexuality, don't give in to guys wanting to "test drive" or looking for FWB only. Take time to know whether or not the guy you're considering wants to be in a relationship with you for you and that sex is not his end game. Understand that the idea of "the one" could hamstring you. Setting yourself up to believe that you need to find a One could derail you if this One hurts you or you find out something not good about him. You are the only "one" in your life. Never let your partner be your everything, because that could strain a relationship.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 You can only "give your virginity" to one person might as well make it "THE ONE" right?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 I don't see why your parents's marriage has to determine the quality and quantity of your sex life.
You might be giving it away left and right, up and down, and still end up in a unhappy marriage. Or, you might hold on to your virginity, consecrating it to the one... only to discover 15 or 20 years down the road , that the one is not the one anymore because what felt like the one when you were 25 is not the one now that you are 45.
I am not sayong that all marriages end up in divorce, or that love does not exist or it never can last.
I am saying that in love- in life ,in fact - there are no guarantees, no foolproof methods to get it right.Love is a gamble, a risk anyway. All you can do is to choose wisely and sincerely- from the heart , but without forgetting that you have a brain. And hope for the best.
Be true to yourself, honour your instincts and your body. If you don't feel you want to have sex yet , why should you ? Just because your friends do it ? I've got plenty of friends who ski, I hate snow and I don't feel deprived in not imitating them.
When your heart , and your senses- and your brain too, let's not forget that precious little organ- will tell you have chanced into the right one , then you can act on your desires. Remember, still there is no guarantee that he will be your first and your last love, love does not come with a 50 years guarantee , satisfaction or your money back. But all you can do, is knowing that you have chosen the best you could- and keep your fingers crossed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): To any virgin woman under the age of about 25, I would say go ahead and keep waiting for the right guy. If they are religious or feel STRONGLY about these things then maybe wait until 30+ and/or married.
To any woman of any age who doesn't like separating sex and love if they can help it, I would say keep your partner count as low as possible and don't do it with people who aren't very important in your life. Lots of good husband material guys care. And lots of them are living their own life that way too.
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A
female
reader, haribo158 +, writes (9 January 2014):
I think it's great you're waiting for someone special, just as the other posters have said there's nothing wrong or weird about it at all.Our parents marriages often play a huge role in the way we see relationships altogether, but don't let your parents unhappy relationship affect you. Personally I don't believe there is a perfect love, ESPECIALLY a perfect marriage, where everything just falls in to place naturally. Marriages or relationships always need work on both sides, otherwise they fall apart just like anything else you don't take care of would. Ultimately take your time, keep your mind open, and just try and someone you not only have feelings for but have similar values to, and I think you'll be just fine. Moreover you're only 19 so this is hardly something you need to be panicking about. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): This question hits close to home for me because I was always a dreamer thinking that my prince charming would carry me away and he would be the one to love me no matter what I looked like, the one that made me feel whole, and the one that would take care of me and make me feel safe. I was 23 when I lost my virginity and I was very confused about sex and love thinking if this guy is sleeping with me he must be in love with me. The only other reason I wanted to wait for that special guy is for religious reasons. You will know when it feels right. I never let peer pressure affect me. The key is to show the guy that you respect yourself. I just turned down my guy friend for FWB and I told him that I am saving myself and he said that he definitely respected that, and even though I feel he is "the one" I'm not sure he feels the same way but I definitely know that he is extremely attracted to me. But I would still hold out for marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): If romantic love exists, I've never found it, and I'm going on 30. I know how you feel though. Pretty soon that "I'm the last of my group of friends who hasn't had a relationship" turns into "I'm the last of my group of friends who hasn't...had sex...gotten married...had a kid... Not much of a consolation I guess.
At least you have one thing going for you. You're not a guy. Of course you've had plenty of chances. Women stay single as long as they WANT to...Men stay single as long as they HAVE to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): I think it's wonderful that you're waiting till you fall in love!!No, you're not being unrealistic.I do want to caution you that waiting for love and waiting for "The One" are not the necessarily same thing.I didn't have sex till I was 21, and madly in love with my boyfriend. I don't regret waiting for him. However, we ended up breaking up after a year because there were a lot of things we just didn't agree on (and signs that I had missed earlier in our relationship because I was blindsided by how much I loved him).Basically--I think that, if you want to wait for "The One", you shouldn't have sex until you're married, because then you will be absolutely sure that he's "The One".If you want to wait until you're in love, then just be patient. It may happen sooner than you think :)Yes, it's possible that your first love will also be "The One". However, that's not usually how it works out. And I learned that the hard way. Take pride in the fact that you have followed your own judgment so far, and haven't been used for sex (as I know some of your friends have, even if they haven't admitted it to themselves yet). Trust in yourself and don't let anyone else make decisions for you. Don't let yourself be pressured to do anything you don't want to do, or aren't ready to do. But be aware that all those bonding chemicals released during sex can make you feel REALLY close to the other person. And that makes it a lot harder if you break up :(
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 January 2014):
Its gift you can only give once, so my suggestion is to give it wisely.
Trust me, there are many guys out there who are worth waiting for, and would be honored to be the one chosen.
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