A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone... So I posted on DC some time back... This was my original post: __________________Hi there.... so i've been married for over 7 years and I must say I love my husband very much. We've had our ups and downs but we've got through it all. I've noticed however, that since recently he seems to be getting more annoyed with me all the time and he keeps picking on me about my looks... the way I do things... my behavior... etc. I get up every morning and cook for him and have food ready for him when he comes home too.This has been going on for a while and I asked him not to do it a few days ago and he got upset and started complaining about me. He told me that he doesn't care if i leave him or choose to stay with him. He said that if i want him to stop picking on me then i have to change too. Then I asked him what about myself I should change. Then he said he's sick of having to ask me to sweep the house and do stuff... I was really confused. Yes, I don't keep the house clean 100% all the time. But I do a lot of work. I do ALL the housework and I'm studying and I'm working too. He doesn't do any of that, he comes home from work and plays video games or watches movies and stuff. I got really hurt that day because he said so many hurtful things and honestly, I was ready to end the marriage. It looked like that's what he wanted. I've been sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to go to the room, I felt so sad and disappointed in everything. I feel like I'm not good enough and he makes me feel that way all the time. He even picks on me in front of other people.I just turned 30. Since I did, he always picks on me saying I'm old. I know he's just kidding but it still makes me feel bad to have to hear that ALL the time. Then he picks on me for being fat. Actually, I'm not fat, I go to gym and work out very hard. He fusses a lot if i ever eat something unhealthy. He doesn't like me being on the laptop all the time, but I work online so what can I do about that! And maybe I would pay more attention to him if he just stops his video games for a while and spends time with me. He is always trying to change me.Now after 4 nights of me sleeping on the couch, he came over and was laying on my feet which I understand means that he wants to fix things. However, I feel like I have completely fallen out of love with him. I don't know what to do anymore. The idea of going back to that way of living terrifies me. As hard as it is, I felt happy to live on my own... it was better than suffering in a marriage like this where i always feel under pressure... I'm happy we don't have kids yet... or it would be such a mess. What can i do... am i bad for not having any feelings any more for him?__________________It has been two weeks now since that first fight and things have got worse. He tried again to make things better but when I tried to talk to him, he didn't want to and when we finally started talking, he wouldn't let me talk and accused me of having a relationship with someone else. I have been loyal to him since the day we got married. My husband told me that he will be moving out in a week and that he already found a place. I feel sad... I can't imagine life without him but I don't know if I can actually go back to being with him the way I did before,... if he still wants to that is. It seems he doesn't want to and even cousin couldn't convince him to stay. I'm really heartbroken because I have done nothing but love him and be loyal to him since day one. I miss the old days when life was simpler and things were different between us. I have tried in the past to change things, tried to get it back to the way it was, but it has never worked. I already miss him even though he is still here. I have lost my passion for exercising and can barely get off the couch... I don't know if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by letting him ago... but then again, he yelled at me and asked me to let him go. How can I force him to stay then... I feel really helpless and lost... I've googled and read so many articles on how to deal with separation and divorce... it's easier said than done. I don't know how to move on... also, once he moves, I'll have to sleep in the room where we used to sleep. The room where he is sleeping now... (I'm still on the couch). I wish I could move from this place to another but it's way too expensive for me right now. Does it ever get better? That's probably a dumb question but I feel so horrible right now, I don't know what to do. I was talking to my sister over the phone for hours but as soon as she hung up, I feel sad again...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2022): Hi everyone, I'm the OP of this question. I want to thank you all for the advice you have given me. You took so much time and made such an effort to type all that to me. I really appreciate it.
My husband and I had one major fight a few days ago and after that he apologized and cried and told me that he loves me. He said he can't live with anyone else and it made me feel sad. I don't know what to do now, I can see that he's trying to change and be better but I don't know if i love him anymore. I feel like something inside me has died. I feel like I'm trapped in an unhappy marriage and I feel guilty to leave.
Maybe it's bad for me to say this but I was excited at the prospect of starting my life afresh in a new place by myself. But now I feel like I'm gonna be trapped like this forever. I'm not happy at all, I'm only with him because I feel sorry for him. I don't know what to do...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2022): Typo corrections:
"His insults and digs were expressions of [his] discontent; and a way to make you so annoyed and uncomfortable you'd be willing to divorce him."
"Like slow drips of acid, eating or corroding [its] way through metal.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
Please note that this link is for a post written back in 2013; back before we had TikTok, FB became Meta, Instagram, Snapchat and all the other social media platforms we have now. Also note I've mentioned a lot of the experiences you indicated in your posts...I speak from experience of the same feelings!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2022): Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry! It hurts, because it takes time to adjust to rejection and separation. Our hearts are stronger than we think; it seems unbearable, but that isn't true. Love is not restricted to a limited number of people we happen to find. It's a blessing, that you can receive many times over. I am living proof. I've lost and found it. Thank God! Love will sometimes come searching for you, when you've given-up!
Your husband became difficult to live with, because he became tired of the marriage. His insults and digs were expressions of is discontent; and a way to make you so annoyed and uncomfortable you'd be willing to divorce him. I guess his plan worked. It was an indirect way of asking for a divorce, but he knew you wouldn't agree to it. He knew with pressure and coaxing, you'd do it!
May I share a little wisdom with you? There are two kinds of wives. They are both devoted to their husbands. They do everything to give him a comfortable home, they make sure he gets plenty of tender loving care, they stick close to him; and she makes sure he knows she loves him. One wife does all that to 'make' her husband love her; but the other kind of wife does it because her husband shows her how much he loves and appreciates her. See the difference?
You're old enough to have been through a breakup before, at least once. You know you'll survive it. The anxiety that is caused by separation is worst when it's fresh. Your subconscious-mind adapts to what's normal, and it becomes totally aggravated when normal routines are changed or broken. It used to run on autopilot, but an abrupt change sends shockwaves through your emotions; and you feel you've gone into a total free-fall. Your husband made your life miserable on purpose. No matter what you did wasn't going to be good enough; and his passive-aggressive actions of left-handed compliments, cruel teasing, or never-ending digs; were a form of blatant and subtle psychological-abuse. Over time, it's slow torture to the mind; and it erodes your emotional well-being. Like slow drips of acid, eating or corroding it's way through metal.
He didn't directly attack you, but he hid behind toxic-humor, or repeated things he knew hurt your feelings; then he'd just shrug it off when you told him how much it bothered you. The truth is, he got satisfaction from knowing his efforts were working. He'd gaslight you into thinking, it's all in fun; and you're taking it the wrong-way. How many times did you have to ask him to stop, or tell him how much it hurts???
You don't suddenly become mean like that, it was always there!!!
You love the "old him" (the person you thought, or convinced yourself he was); but he's not that guy anymore. He probably never was. Now you're seeing him for who he truly is. Sometimes people carry-on a fake-persona to make us believe they are a certain kind of person. They may create/customize a personality based on the traits and characteristics (or criteria) that we've fed to them. They may have a hidden-agenda, maybe feeling they have a good use for you; or they may feel you're weak-minded enough to easily manipulate. Some people have long searched for love, but had a hard time finding it; so they settle for someone willing to give it to them. All their other attempts failed; because the others they've tried to fool caught-on before it was too late, or saw him coming from a mile away. I suspect you were willing to drop your guard, and give him a chance; so he took it. Perhaps because nobody else would! Never make a human being the center of your universe, that space was put there for God only. Not other human beings. Try as you may, and it will always fail. It's the way of His Divine Will. He's a jealous God, and He has a right to be; because He made you, me, everything, and everybody! He even sacrificed His only Son; so He wouldn't have to destroy us for being so bad! I have to be deep, I'm making a point here! Call it a myth, but millions and millions believe it along with me! You don't have to, if you don't want to. He gave you that choice.
You can love until it hurts, but humans have faults, flaws, and weaknesses that will disappoint you and break your heart. No matter how much you think you love them. If they love you as much as you love them; that love forms a bond that makes all things fixable, but one can't fix it alone. Family love is different, it falls entirely under a different set of rules from romantic-love and marriage. Sharing DNA isn't by choice; lovers and spouses are a choice.
The problem is, if somebody just "settled" for you; they won't really appreciate you as much as they would have, if they got the person they really wanted. It's hard to reciprocate deep feelings and affection, when you don't have the same kind of feelings as the other person; because they're only there, until you can find the one you really want. You may have seemed to be someone he was looking for; but it turned-out, things didn't go as planned. You may not be as easy to manipulate and control as he wanted you to be. Even if you tried as hard as you can; he has given-up on the marriage, probably for many other reasons. Then all your efforts will be futile at this point. He's tired and finished with it. All you'll get in exchange for your "love" is abuse. Why waste it? God hates divorce; but if your spouse will abuse you to get one, God allows it. He doesn't expect you to suffer under adultery, cruelty, or abuse.
Sometimes people marry too young, or feel pressured to find someone to marry; because they grow tired of searching, but here's someone willing to just love me unconditionally. She'll do, and maybe she'll kill herself to please him in the meantime. You must have laid it on pretty thick; letting him do or say whatever he wanted, trying to prove how perfect you are for him. You probably gave him the hard-sell, and he bought it. You figured, whatever red-flags you saw in him, you'd smooth them over; or fix them with love. It don't work that way, sweetheart! I learned that the hard-way. That was years ago!
Your separation anxiety is how your mind detaches/withdraws from emotionally-connected relationships. It's brutal, because it took a lot of brain-chemicals to form an emotional-bonding to him in the first-place. Now all that dopamine is cut-off! You are "jonesing," and having withdrawal fits for a fix! Not for love, just his presence...good or bad! You find yourself ruminating on the good-ole days, but how long has it been, girlfriend? They won't comeback no matter what you do. So now what? He told you, he wants a divorce. He's mean to you! He didn't just become like this, you dismissed it while in a state of denial..."cuz you love him!" The infamous disclaimer that tells us aunts and uncles you don't want to, and don't plan to, give him up...no matter what we say! We're not here at DC to kill marriages. We, and anonymous readers, just offer our opinions. You do what you want to do! Wisdom says you can resist, but face the reality!
You've grown addicted to just being together; no matter how strained and uncomfortable it was. You've chosen it over being alone. Could it be that you let yourself fall in-love really without checking to make sure his feelings were real? Without a doubt, I know you've seen some red-flags! Yet you're going to insist that he all of a sudden changed.
No he didn't!!! The one who changed, is you! He tried to tell you! You've begun to see what you used to let slide; because you thought he was just being a man, or just kidding around. You thought, even when he's mean, he really loves you after-all. He even says it, but doesn't prove it with his actions; or yield when you ask him to stop hurting you!
Well, the reality is, whatever phony good-guy personality it was he suckered you in with; he's tired of putting on that act. It's hard to admit a mistake sometimes; especially, when you might have ignored warnings, mama told you so, you've seen the signs, and a flock of waving red-flags. You've waived all your deal-breakers. I could be wrong, but not entirely. I've seen this before, and I've also been there! I saw only what I wanted to see, and lived in-denial when I couldn't accept the truth. Oh, but I've long since come-around. I still make lots of mistakes; but now I will learn from them. That's for the sake of survival! I'm never alone, because Jesus is with me. Watching over me. My eyes were opened to a lot of things! I'm not invincible, and have no idea when the next hurt comes my way. I won't face it alone. I've got God, my family, and my friends all in my corner; and you have yours!
You may have never prayed before, or you think it's a bunch or religious-hooey and gobbledygook. God waits patiently to be asked for His comfort. He voluntarily intervenes, when your life is at risk. He doesn't care how bad you've been, He doesn't care if you haven't been to worship in years; and He doesn't even care if you are, or were once, an unbeliever. He's kind and patient; and He'll put all that aside to love and comfort you. I don't know why or how He does it; but He did it for me. I've gone through the loss of loved-ones several times to death, but I've survived it. I got blindsided and dumped by someone I thought I loved. I've found new love, and was reminded of all the other sources of love I have surrounding me. Love that I was just taking for granted, because it didn't cost me anything. I expected it, as if I was deserving of it. I was prideful, selfish, and arrogant. He caught me when I was at my lowest, sweetheart. I just surrendered to Him, and I got through all that grief and misery. Now I pay it back, by helping others. By showing compassion, and passing it forward. Here I am! Just for you! I read and felt every grieving-word you wrote, and I care. If you only pray but this once, give it a try. Pour your heart out to God, and wait and see. It will not be immediate, but it will be right on time!
I will pray and ask Him to comfort you; even if you think all I've said is nonsense. It's my job as a Christian to pray for others, even when they don't care or believe. I'm letting you know there's a divine source of comfort that few realize to be available. It's free, you can do it anytime, all day, and His door is open 24/7-365! You can still go to a therapist, when you feel you need professional treatment for mental-health reasons. God made therapists too! He's just better at healing than they are.
Since I read your post; and you've read this far. When you've got a little more extra time, read this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
This proves how much I feel you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 May 2022):
 OP, I know it sucks but you can't MAKE someone love you, you can't MAKE someone want to BE with you. And your husband? Doesn't want to be with you. I don't think he has wanted to, for a long time. He just didn't do anything about it, he rather make YOU feel awful. That isn't good for either of you.
To be frank, I think HE could be seeing someone else.
" he wouldn't let me talk and accused me of having a relationship with someone else. "
He knows you are not cheating. And he is in a hurry to move out and move on. THAT is what makes me think HE is the one seeing someone already. However, that might be pointless for you to consider.
It will take time, OP. Accept that/ A breakup hurts because you CARE(D) for the other person. You want(ed) them in your life. But that is no longer an option so adapting to the new status quo will take time.
One thing you CAN do, is once he moves out, PAINT the bedroom, get new decorations, and new linens, make it YOUR space. Fill it with plants (Dracaena trifasciata, AKA the snake plant, is one of the most popular and hardy species of houseplants. I have them in the bedroom because they can be on the floor and the cats don't try and eat them). They are easy to keep, they clean the air and they can make your bedroom feel cozier. It doesn't have to be a costly make-over. You can thrift things, repaint things (like picture frames, bookcases, nightstands etc. DO ONE room at a time. Maybe start with the bedroom. May it a project. It will do several things for you. 1. Give you something to do that is JUST for you. 2. It will change how the bedroom looks and feels. 3. you can make it 100% yours.
While it IS hard to get off the couch, make sure you keep up with working out. Even if it's just a 30-minute walk. And don't neglect your social life either. But I would hold of on ANY kind of dating. Wait until the divorce is final and YOU are ready.
I remember you saying:
"Yes, I don't keep the house clean 100% all the time."
Honestly? Who does? You are also working and studying. All he had to do was go to work. YOU did everything else. Life will become easier, at some point once, you settle into a new routine. One where you don't have to cater to your STBX.
You can do this. There is no need to be miserable with someone.
Chin up. It WILL get better.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (16 May 2022):
 Yes it will get better but its going to take time, it doesnt happen overnight. Give yourself the time to grieve for What has happened and what you are losing. Think of any breakup you experienced in the past. It hurt when things ended right? Eventually you got over it though and moved on. You were able to smile again, laugh again...and then one day it just did not hurt anymore. Your wounds are fresh and deep. A marriage is a very hard thing to walk away from without being hurt, lost and confused. Your lives were entertwined for years and now you are just supposed to go seperate ways?? Not that easy! Surround yourself wIth family, friends, keep yourself busy, seek guidance from church or spiritual leaders. Baby steps, op. I have gotten a divorce and I wasnt myself for a long time, just sorting through everything. My life changed drastically but I made it. You will too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2022): Oh yes, it does get better.Of course.As a matter of fact, it could be much worse-you could still be very much in love with him, and you are clearly not.This is not a critique,of course, just an observation based on your posts. You feel bad and you feel sad because nobody likes to be rejected no matter who is rejecting us, and because you are human and most human beings are wary of changes.You are used to a certain way of life, used to schedules,activities,plans,priorities being in a certain way and now all of a sudden this is going to change .And you don't know exactly how, just that there will be a change - and the unknown is scary.It all depends, though- in your case ,it could be a positive change.Let's face it, you are not missing much and not losing much by having to do without this guy.He sounds,not only out of love, but also selfish,insensitive,controllino and...plain lazy.Good riddance,sayz I.When you come to terms with your (very natural ) fear of the unknown,you will see that this is ,rather than a loss, a new opportunity for a happier life.
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