A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I regularly share digital gadgets so when I used her iPad I was surprised to discover it open on a Skype chat with a young guy half her age (we're both early 40s, busy professionals, married 15 years with 2 kids). He'd sent a photo of himself in his underwear: It didn't appear as if she'd sent any photos. The chat was more flirtatious than sexy and it didn't seem that they'd met but there were pauses for video chats (the conversation began on Sunday: I discovered it on Thursday).I confronted her about it via phone and she admitted she had signed up to a dating site "to find friends." She was adamant she hadn't cheated physically and didn't intend to. I believe she didn't cheat though obviously one doesn't join a paid site for friendship.I'm conflicted. I love her. I haven't been easy to live with lately (work stress) but our sex life has been good and we enjoy one another's company. She is very contrite, has deleted her profile on the site and sent a message to her contact breaking off their chat (she deleted the Skype account she had created for the purpose: He was her only contact there).She says her dating profile was only active for a week. I believe that. She claims she would never have allowed the relationship to become physical: I'm inclined to believe that was the case with her secret Skype chatter, but wonder what might have happened in the event of her meeting someone else.She says she was bored: Not with me, but with being 40 and missing flattering attention. She said she had no intention to cheat and simply became carried away. I don't want to break up but feel something is broken between us, perhaps irreparably. She wants us to stay together: Is there any point? Should we separate?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I agree with RevMick 100%... she was having a midlife crisis.
ehe emotionally cheated.
she wanted this with you but did not know how to approach it.
I strongly suggest that she get some personal counseling to deal with her midlife crisis and that you both go together as a couple for couples counseling (different therapists would be fine) to figure out how to fix this.
IT can be fixed if you both want it to be fixed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Hey everyone,
Thanks for the feedback. I will take everything you've said into account. I appreciate the time you've taken to consider my situation and provide thoughtful solutions very much.
R.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
I have to believe you caught it before it led to a physical meeting. She invested time and money into finding this person.
I'm afraid to say that I believe she has cheated emotionally if not physically and that said I wouldn't let it go.
I wouldn't do the same to get back at her, be the bigger person and tell her that she needs to work at building your relationship and trust back up.
I would seek a marriage counselor and find out why she needed to take this route, rather than work at your marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I would let this one go if I were you. She did not cheat, felt the pressures of mid life. I have no doubts that you would be able to dig out a less than stellar encounter from your own mind as well.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 May 2014):
I buy what she says, it all seems perfectly logical, and reasonable for that matter.
Instead of breaking up, you need to work on your relationship and intimacy. Weekends away, date night, learn new things together, little gifts, etc.
That's what she wants, not another guy.
I want to say that many cheaters start of with no intention of cheating. But little things like Internet flirting will turn into Skype masturbating, which can lead to coffee, which can lead to "working late".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 May 2014):
 I believe she may not have physically cheated, but emotionally, she has. It's a good sign that she is contrite, and I think if she's willing to go the long haul and help to rebuild trust, you both need to go in for some counseling together to heal and help the process.
You are right to feel that something has broken, and something has. If we were to compare levels of infidelity to levels of physical injury, a papercut being maybe a passing glance at another woman in front of your spouse and a fatal shrapnel blast and dismemberment being a full blown long term sexual and emotional affair, then what she's done would be rated as a good solid brain concussion, if that means anything.
That means that while the relationship wasn't destroyed and she didn't run off to Hawaii to have sex 9x per day with some boy toy she's been talking 3 years to, this is serious and needs some serious recovery and great effort and commitment to that healing from both of you.
She's having mid-life crisis. This is no excuse, so both of you would do really well to find a good licensed therapist, and it would do wonders for your marriage. I've been married 15 years as well, and sometimes the debris of past fights, coupled with the same conversations, the same things happening, as well as starting down the path of what might have been can get to you. You need to know that she'll never do it again, and she needs to deal with these mid-life issues in a much more healthy way than acting out fantasies with boy toys. She may not have intended to go full-blown affair, but it very well could have gone that way.
As for you, don't revenge-cheat, nor should you let this go with her "I'll never do it again", because the underlying issues aren't dealt with. If both of you enter marriage counseling together, don't entertain the stigma of "We must have failed for it to go here". On the contrary, marriage counseling can repair stuff like this, and root out stuff you didn't even know was there on both of your parts, and strengthen your marriage when it's all said and done. Consider it like a full auto detail - replacing the worn out notions, stripping away the rust and corruption, identifying weaknesses, and coming out of it better and more in love than before.
If she is sincere, she's probably feeling that same boot to the gut feeling you are, which will be her wake-up call.
If you find she's still lying to you, or is hesitant on getting counseling with you, then it's time to consider a separation or more serious means of dealing with, because yes, she *did* cheat on you emotionally, and yes, she lied to you every day she carried on like an idiot schoolgirl, and she needs to address it more than a "I won't do it again!". Contrite people who cheat are eager and enthusiastic about rebuilding trust and the marriage. Never forget that.
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