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Does he still care for me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

So I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, he is the one for me, you may all think I'm being ridiculous because I'm only 15, but I've been through a lot and I know what I want. He is absolutely lovely and I love him to pieces and I care about him a lot. But things are changing. In the beginning he was extremely, extremely caring and protective, which I loved, it was exactly what I wanted, we went on a camping trip and he helped me climb all the things we were climbing and helping me when I was stuck, looking after me when I hurt myself and comforted me when I was scared (I didn't like being in a field in the night, I thought some murderer was going to get me, I'm weird like that) anyway, the first year or so went on like that, but now I think he's realized how much I love him and knows that I'm not going to break up with him so he thinks he doesn't have to display these feelings anymore. He used to be really shy so would just go with what I was annoyed or upset about and comfort me, but he's grown in confidence and now if he thinks I'm being pathetic, he'll tell me, not that harshly, but he won't just go with it and make me feel better. I've told him that I want him to act like he cares for me again, but he just started being more physically loving when I meant emotionally and with what he says etc, I then told him this, but it didn't last for long. I think he probably does still care for me as he did before, but because he's not showing it, how can I be sure? How can I get things back to the way they were before?

View related questions: confidence, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011):

I'm just a bit older than you and I can tell you now, boys our age are like that. In fact, boys are like that even when they are older. Unfortunately its something you have to deal with, and if you can't do that then you have to be prepared to move on. It's really difficult but as another person said, the best idea is probably to back off a little and see what he does. If he doesn't notice or doesn't seem to care you're probably best out of it, if what you want is this protective behaviour. Don't set your heart on this boy being 'the one' you are only 15, and you have your whole life ahead of you, so enjoy it, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011):

Why not try to see it this as him being honest and at ease with himself around you? It's actually a great thing and sometimes a rare quality in a man...perhaps you might not appreciate that because you haven't been lied to yet at this point in your life.

Men and women go out of their way to impress a person when they are first dating and especially when they're young. Honestly, it just seems like he's growing up and maturing. You can also choose to grow up with him and take his ideas as helpful criticism rather than a lack of care or concern on his part. Don't chase a feeling you had over a year ago. You won't get it back.

Your pretending to be a lady in distress and his pretending to be a knight in armor is only one way to show love, but you should probably accept that there are other ways.

I think you're right, he does care about you; why not accept the ways he shows you his love right now rather than ask him to fulfill a particular fantasy of yours.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (31 March 2011):

janniepeg agony auntWhat dirtball says is very true. I am working on this myself and I am shocked at how clueless men seem to be. There are differences between the male and female brain. What's important to you may not be important to him.

Caring is more than just comforting when you are physically hurt, that's easy. A protective man is very attractive. For thousands of years a family's survival depends on how strong a man is. Nowadays womens' problems are multifaceted and most men are not equipped with tools to the new demands of taking care of a woman emotionally. When you get moody without reason, it's very difficult for a man to understand why things are intense for you. He does not know what to do to make you feel better. Usually men would just tell you to go have a walk, calm down, and talk again. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. When my dad gets upset he likes to go wash his hair. A woman usually likes to talk things over with a female friend. He needs to know that it's important that when you are upset you prefer his presence and you want to be listened to.

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (31 March 2011):

dirtball agony auntYou can't get back what you had, you can only move forward and hope he will adjust and show you in a new way. He needs to understand WHY these things are important to you, and what they meant to you when he did them.

The thing is, at your age, you both are changing a lot. It's pretty remarkable that you've lasted as long as you have because of that fact alone.

When you talk, you have to tell him more than you just want him to do that stuff. Unless he knows why it's important, he will not be motivated to make the change.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011):

To be honest? I think you're too young to know that he's the one, and your expecting a lot. Guys arent hardwired to show emotion like you want him to, and also, it seems to me like you're purposely acting childish to get attention. Im not saying this to be mean, because I do it too, no questions asked. If you want him to start acting the way you want him to, stop calling him. seriously. Just stop, eventually, and it may take a few day, he'll call you. Just act like you care about him but don't put all the effort in. Let him come to you. Make him feel like he's losing you even if he's not. That way he'll start acting like a gentleman and being there for you. Good luck

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