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He was once married and never told me!

Tagged as: Dating, Pregnancy, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2011)
A female Germany age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi there,

I met my boyfriend 2 years ago and we have been living in the same house with his parents who own a big house and we wanted to save before we move out.About a year ago in April I found out that he was married and nobody told me,neither him or his parents. I found out when I picked a paper out of his jeans and it was his marriage certificate. I was already 3 months pregnant and couldn't just walk away. When I confronted him he gave me so many stupid explanations and said he only married the woman to get a green card.....that he never ever had sex with her...the parents said they advised him not to tell me because they didn't want to lose me...

I eventually found the woman on Facebook and she told me her version which made more sense and that she was twice pregnant by him and miscarried meaning they had a real marriage with intimacy.

He never wants to talk about it when I ask questions and says he loves me and wants to marry me but I can't help feeling in second place. His exwife was married before she met him and brought a child into their marriage, she was 30, he was 23 when they married...I never brought any baggage into our relationship yet I have to accept his..she is not exactly an eye candy either,why did he marry her..and why wasn't I given the chance to choose if I wanted to be a second wife?

I have tried everything but the pain and betrayal feel worse everyday.We have a 6 month old baby who needs both of us,what do I do to heal?

View related questions: ex-wife, facebook, his ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011):

How can he be trusted.? He blatantly lied about his ex wife! Why did he downplay the relationship so much.? We all have a past, what was he so ashamed of? I would have a very difficult time trusting him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011):

I think the more significant thing here is that he lied about the circumstances not that he failed to mention that he was previously married. That's up to you guys to overcome, but speaking as a divorced man, I'm with the other posters here:

I was the victim of domestic violence and other abuse, and luckily managed to leave and get a divorce. It was a very painful experience, not one I'd wish on anybody. Now If I fill in a form, I tick the single option, If someone asks if I'm married I simply say no. It's the past to me and I want it to stay that way.

The greatest thing ever to happen to me was to meet someone sincere, honest and respectful who had no idea about the problems I'd been through and the unimaginable hell that had gone with it. That meant that I didn't have to re-live it all the time as I did when talking to the people I was normally close to. I was asked if I had ever been married and I admitted it, that is the only conversation we've ever had about it.

In one respect I suppose there are two sides to every story but, and please don't be offended at the sarcasm, the version of the jilted ex on facebook is bound to be word-perfect true isn't it?! So they had a 'real relationship with intimacy' so what, have you had one of those with an ex partner to whom you weren't married? what's the difference?

You're pregnant, I think that might have encouraged him to lie about the circumstances.... He doesn't want to stress you out even further by making you think he'll cut and run if anything goes wrong.

Second wife? Personally, if I'm lucky enough to find someone so wonderful who I can love and loves me back, and that would accept me as her husband, then I'll see her as my wife, not my second wife.... I'm certainly never going to have two and the past is the past; I for one would like it to stay that way!

Badly handled? Probably, Stressful? Definitely. But if you love him which you clearly do, and if he loves you which without hearing from him I'm getting the impression he clearly does then why make a mountain from a molehill?! Bury the past, make a happy life together the three of you and be happy!

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (31 March 2011):

janniepeg agony auntJust to clarify: They were officially divorced? She had no children with him because she miscarried twice?

A lot of us had done things that are young and dumb. Me included. As a single mom I know some men think virgins are better and more valuable, but I try not to think I am damaged goods because it doesn't help me move forward. Still, I am a healthy individual and my baggage is not heavier or lighter than a nulliparous, never married woman. We all have some kind of issue in life but it's what we choose to do with it, and with what kind of attitude.

Having a past does not make us second class citizens in romance. In fact with each relationship we grow stronger and more mature. What he did was out of fear because he didn't know you too well back then. He didn't expect your relationship to flourish but before you are sure about each other, you got pregnant. Making mistakes, including hiding mistakes, is very common because we all want to shine our best. A lot of people do that to keep dating prospectives high.

When you say you feel second place you are also thinking out of fear, also there is this myth that first loves are always more meaningful, deeper and memorable. You may wonder why you are not married yet and that the relationship doesn't feel real to you until you have two rings in your hand. After the failure of the relationship he feels apprehensive about getting into a marriage again so that could explain why.

You heal by putting yourself in his shoes and understand why he had to lie. Accept his weakness and also be aware the same kind of weakness that lives in every one of us.

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A male reader, CJH United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2011):

CJH agony auntYOur six month old child does need both of you BUT doesnt need to live in a war zone - and thats whats going to happen unless you resolve this issue OR go your separate ways.

The guy has lied to you and he`s been found out. Give him another chance to come clean, tell him you do know the truth and see what he says.

Ultimately, if he`s lying now and getting away with it, there is nothing to stop him doing the same in future is there?

Don`t make the mistake of putting up with a situation just for the sake of your child. Thats the worst thing in the world to do as your child will see that as being normal.

Its a difficult one but, putting up with stuff and trying to get over it, especially when youre the innocent party will never make you a happy person.

Good luck.

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A male reader, honestman Mexico +, writes (31 March 2011):

Listen,

perhaps your man is not very proud of this marriage with that woman. Also, their marriage might have been broken since the miscarriage, it is a very painful experience... technically, it is like if someone died. Some relationships find it hard to handle this trauma.

I can bet you that this man loves you, but he is really ashamed of his past. Sharing a hurtful past is not an easy task for anyone. He was perhaps afraid of telling you he was once married, and had a miscarriage with her partner. PLEASE, don't pressure him, or he'll get upset with you, and start having doubts about you, or even think you are being very jealous. Just ask him, little by little, small questions about her past. Little enough for him not go get angry or upset. He'll tell you everything you want to know later on.

You both need to have communication, specially if you are both expecting a baby.

I hope your relationship continues working!

Best regards for you and your baby!

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