A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do all men lose desire for their partner when they've been together for a while? Does familiarity kill desire? It is my dream to have a relationship with someone, that lasts, with someone who I can connect intellectually and emotionally with, share my dreams with, have a laugh with and have fun doing things together with, and can also have a rich fulfilling sexual relationship with. I have always hoped that in a long term relationship, I could be open with my partner about my sexual desires, needs, fantasies and that we could learn together and experiment together sexually. I always thought that the sex would get better and better the more we got to know each other.That was my dream.In my first long term relationship, he only ever wanted sex once a week, and it was pretty much always the same. It was good. But it was like that from the beginning. There was never that passionate, lusty stage.With my partner now, we had a lot of fun sex at the start. Different positions, 3 times in the same 24 hours etc.But now, after 2 years he's just not into sex. We have it once every 1 to 2 weeks, or longer. And we're only together for 6 months of the year. It just feels like he doesn't desire me anymore. It feels like he loves me as a person, and wants to be with me, but he doesn't see me as a sexy, desirable woman. Perhaps it is because I am inexperienced and don't please him in bed. But I am completly open to improve my skills and try anything new to please him. But he is not interested in sex at all and just wants to get it over with when we do have it. How can I learn to be better in bed if he won't let me near him? He said once he dreads having sex with me, because he thinks he doesn't please me. How an we learn to please each other if he just doesn't want sex? He said once also that maybe he needed a bedroom full of tv screens playing porn so he could get in the mood. That made me feel like crap, but I bit my tongue n said we could watch porn together if that would help. But I don't think he would want to.Are all men like this? Do all men want sex at the start of relationships, but once they get too familiar with their partner, they lose sexual desire? I know all relationships are different and based on different variations. But I'm beginning to lose hope in the love I dream possible. I think perhaps I should be with a woman or just sleep around and be single, or just become a celibate spiritual shamen. I just feel so hurt that the man I love so much doesn't want my love. I have so much passion for him, but he has more for his friends he plays video games with and video games in general. Sorry to rant, needed to vent :) Would like to her from anyone who may have insight. Can you have a good, active sex life with a man once you've been together past the honeymoon sex stage? Or do most people lose interest in their partner sexually?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. It's all good food for thought.
We do live together, when I'm back from University. So we are in the house together a lot. But I do go out with my friends and we work separate jobs so some days he'll be off when I'm working. Plus when we're together its for the school holidays, so the longest time is 3 months. So I don't feel that we see too much of each other. Although I think it would help if we had another room where I could go to do my own thing, because I'm trying to read/watch tv/go on the internet/use the exercise bike in the same room as he is when he's playing games with his mates, which involves lots of shouting :) It would be nice to spend more personal time apart, but I used to think that as we don't have a lot of time in the year together, I wanted to spend as much time with him. But I think perhaps I should find a hobby that gets me out of the house more.
I guess I have been trying to please him, because I feel I have to in order for him to want to be with me. But I just crave a sex life so much. I have a dirty mind and I just need to get it out and share it. Most of the time he's too tired.
We had a little chat last night though. He says we need to have sex in the day, perhaps because he's always knackered at the end of the day when we go to bed. And he said he was thinking of asking me to join him in the shower the day before. So maybe I need to try and initiate things again, as it seems he does want to, he's just cautious to for some reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): after reading your post and the answers which are all brilliant advice... i thort id ask this... do you spend alot of time together in the house? maybe you need a little space from time to time as well as trying all these other things. my partner is very much like yours being into the games and he spends alot of time playing them. but its his time to chill out and relax. we live together and work together so we see each other alot and from time to time we both just need our personal space for abit. its not a bad thing but thort i might add a suggestion. all the best x
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reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 he's already thinking of dumping you but he's using you for something so he's not breaking up with you yet.maybe hes waiting for another woman to come across before he dumps you.stop being like a puppy,trying to get him in the mood.u tried enough.it didnt work.dont try to make it work.this man was disrespectful towards u. just leave him.if he wants u,hell try to win u back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): I think it depends on the man, depends on the relationship. Yes some people lose their sexual desire. Some men lust after the same woman for years and years. Alot of it depends on the connection.
The consensus seems to usually be the same. The men who love their partners for a long time have two things going on. One, is that they are very loyal men. They probably had very solid family values, they were taught well by their mom's and when they meet the right woman, they are in it for the long haul. Not all men look at relationships this way.
Another factor is that men who are attracted to their girl's for a long time probably had really good and REAL connections with them from the start, as in they were sure this is "the one." In terms of values, interests, chemistry, all that. Alot of times people get involved in relationships as a matter of "settling." Its getting down to the wire, family/friends pressure, feeling lonely, and often times when the lust fades you realise maybe you are mismatched. Relationships that last are well thought out.
Not only that but a relationship takes work. It requires imagination and effort from both your parts. Sometimes people get lazy and too comfortable in relationships and that may lead to a disconnect or loss of interest.
It is best to not treat the relationship like a ball and chain. That will make the interest fizzle real fast. Be interesting, mysterious, confident, do your own thing, let him chase you, keep him wondering. You can do this for years. Just because you are "officially" a couple does not mean that you can just sit back. Try to make the initial dating period last as long as it can. And STOP trying so hard to please him! You are not a circus act. He will like you more if you please YOURSELF! If you want to have sex, do it for you. Do what you want. If you act like a sex slave trying to please him all the time, he is going to get bored and start treating you with less interest and respect. Get out there and go do your thing. Go out with your girls. Get involved in something. Workout. Don't focus so hard on pleasing him. His real attraction for you is going to show when you stop worrying so hard about pleasing him and instead start pleasing yourself.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 August 2010):
 I think the only time familiarity kills desire is when both parties aren't fully pleased and/or isn't matched in their sexual appetite.
Of course sex can get boring. That is why having an imagination is key.
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reader, Alittlebroken +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Not all men are like that, although things do change with time, as you get to know each other. I think you should talk to him about this issue- although I know it might be hard. To me it sounds like he loves you, but in a more friendship kind of way- because you seem to be doing everything right and trying to please him. Most guys would not turn sex down with their girlfriend again and again unless something was seriously wrong. Do you think maybe he has self confidence issues? Like that maybe he doesn't want you seeing or touching him naked etc? This definitely isn't your fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): If you want to have passion all your life, you need to change partners frequently. When you get used to each other, habituation comes to place. It's unrealistic to expect to have the same feeling for your partner your wholle life as you had in a first 6-10 months.
Of-course you can spice up your life wit all kind of games and sexual kinky stuff, but still both of you will cool down w time.
You have passion for him now, but wait till you live w/him for 5-10 years. Some people staypassionate for a while, some loose their passion for another person earlier. It doesn't mean sex couldn't be good. You can have peasefull and very good sex at the same time.
I think if you accept this fact early in your life the less mistakes you will make. Life isn't about only sex, people get married not only to have passion, but to raise kids and for companionship.Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply :)
Believe me I would love to give him oral. But he won't let me near him! If I try to initiate anything, start stroking and touching and complimenting him etc, he'll either respond by telling me he's tired, or not in the mood, or he'll just ignore my advances. Or he'll say I know you're horny, I can always tell when you are.
Most of the time if I try to give him oral, he'll say not to because he hasn't showered or something.
We used to send sexy texts to each other. Last time I sent him one, I said, I can't wait to get back (from my holiday) and do rude things to you ;). He replied with Noooooooo :). I know he was joking, but this is what I mean. It feels like he doesn't feel sexually towards me, I'm more like a friend to him.
We did have a great spark at the start, but something's gone wrong and I don't know what to do.
He tries to convince me he loves me still and is adamant he wants to be with me, but I find it hard without good sex.
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reader, LiloCoke +, writes (25 August 2010):
You need to have more imagination and variety, thats for sure. But don't say you don't know how or when, you gotta teach urself somehow. Remember that a big deal of arousal comes from senses like smell, sight, hearing, if you're able to please your partner will all of those aspects, you'll score a big deal ;) Use nice perfume, always, so he remember ur smell and associate it with you and sex, dress up in some sexy lingerie, talk nice/nasty, whatever! Theres soo much space for creativity, and you have it all in ur hands to initiate and improve! And trust me, for many women sex wears off after a while too! Thats why both partners have to stay open-minded for different experiments which someone has to start! ;)
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