A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:I am 31. When I think of my future as a childless person I feel an immense feeling of relief and excitement. But, I like kids. The thought of having one with me 24/7 makes me feel heavy and closed in. I am also well aware that parenting NEVER ends. In fact from what I can see it can get harder as time goes by (emotionally and psychologically that is). I'm looking for people's opinions. Do you think if you are on the fence about having kids then you shouldn't have them AND if (like me) the idea of not having them is a relief do you think That is probably a sign to not have them? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (14 July 2013):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEuphoric29...... Society is parent dominated. That's simply a fact. Turn on the tv and domestic adverts are shoved down your throat!! I understand that this is the way the world works but this isn't even really the point of the original question. To be honest I don't care what other people do with their lives and how many kids they want to have. The original question was in regards to what I want and I do agree that a lot of people are perfectly happy as parents. I was simply stating the way that I feel now and if these feelings are a sign that I would be happier childfree.
I still stand by my opinion that there are a lot of people having kids that probably shouldn't be. You only need to look around to see that regardless of where you live.
At the end of it I think I am just bored with looking at and hearing about kids. Watching my friends that had the world in their hands give it up to become boring housewives. Surely they didn't dream of that life when they were growing up. It may sound selfish but I know I am worth more than giving up my dreams and becoming trapped to become another ghost.
I just believe there is more to life and have always been repulsed by pregnancy. When my mum told me she was pregnant when I was 12, I cried. I remember feeling extremely disappointed in her. She was always so beautiful, youthful and energetic and all of a sudden she became one of those women. Not special anymore. I lost respect and couldn't understand why she did that to herself. I still feel like that towards my friends.
On the flipside I adore my bro and sis and am so glad that I have them because if I don't have kids I can spoil them which I do already.
Having them around as toddlers when I was a teenager was hell at the time but now I see it as a blessing because I know what is actually involved with parenting. A lot of my friends on the other hand had little experience with children and now see that it is full on. A lot of women are tricked.
Mostly, what is upsetting is watching talented women throw it all away. Makes me mad.
I should have known that my question would have caused some heated responses. People do tend to get very defensive on this topic. Not sure why. What does it matter what someone else does with their life. Threatened? Insulted?
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 July 2013):
Dear OP,
While I agree that you should not have kids if you don't feel like it - I think your opinion is not realistic or neutral. It's very personal.
You judge others very harshly indeed!! Saying 3/4 of people who are having kids shouldn't be having them.. that's offensive to 3/4 of parents. You also say things like "australians are very ageist" etc. "society is so parent orientated".. "we are all programmed to think"..
You're generalizing a lot, OP. And that doesn't sound like a woman with a healthy and balanced opinion about motherhood. Or like someone who has come to peace of mind about not being a parent. It sounds like you're still full of hurt, doubts and resentment from the past.
You're 31. You don't need to make that big decision now if you're still on the fence. You have a list of things you want to do in your life. Get them done. Live life as free as you want to and enjoy you're not responsible for anyone else. That way, you'll know how happy you are without kids and if this is the right life style for you.
In the end, I think people can be happy as parents and as non-parents. And you can also like kids and care about them if you don't have any of your own. But to know what makes others unhappy or happy won't help you, you need to figure that out for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 July 2013):
 I don't think you are crazy for having decided to NOT have children. I was quite sure I didn't want any til I hit my late 20's and met my now husband.
And I agree there are many parents out there who shouldn't have kids.
Do what YOU want with YOUR life and screw what other people might or might not think about it.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (13 July 2013):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIamheretohelpyou I am not judging other's decision I am only calling as I see it and applying it to the type of person I am. As I said some people are born to be parents and others aren't. I guess the whole point that I wrote the question in the first place is because I think that we are all programmed to think that it is our duty to procreate and I think it is unfair but also creates a lot of unhappiness in the world. Honestly I think probably 3/4 of the people that have kids probably shouldn't have.I am only 31 and have already seen so many people divorce and have kids leftover. It is tragic for the kids I course but also for the parents for many reasons especially finding a new partner.What I am saying is that I just wanted to get a consensus because my opinions are obviously considered harsh. I think though that I am just being realistic. I like the truth and I find a lot of women sugar coating crap that could have been avoided had they not let their emotions lead them to a life changing decision. Also, my upbringing has a little to do with my decision as I was an only child until I was 12 and I LOVED it. When the other two came along of course I loved them but the family life was definately not as pleasant for anyone including parents. Mum and dad definately bit off more than they could chew. As a teenager having 2x toddlers in the house was very difficult and I remember crying because all I wanted was a few hours of no noise but it never happened!!
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (13 July 2013):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you wiseowle for understanding. I think the reason that I have posted this as a question is because it has only recently become more and more clear that I am quite sure that this is what I want. Society is so parent orientated that sometimes you feel like a crazy person for not wanting them.
I spent a lot of my teen years looking after my siblings. I was in a way a co-parent because my mum was very blasé and I was always worried about them. I just don't think I could do that again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): I agree with you in every respect, where you're concerned.
I just find it odd that you're seeking advice when your mind seems quite made up.
The sound of crying is like krytonite?
I don't get any message that indicates you are a person caught up in indecision. I don't get the message you are seeking opinion.
I see a person looking for a platform to justify her stance.
I read you loud and clear. Pursue and fulfill your dreams.
Your womb belongs to you. Being childless is a good choice.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (13 July 2013):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell wiseowle I think most people can only go from their personal experience. Isn't that what everyone does?? I am not putting people that have children down. That would be putting most o the population down.
I am trying to be responsible and make the right decision.
I find it's a full time job to keep myself satisfied in life. If I had a kid that time would be taken away from me. I am very introverted and the sound of a baby crying is like kryptonite to me.
I think all I the noise of my younger bro and sis from many years ago gave me post traumatic stress!! It has passed a bit now but I still hate unnecessary noise. Yes I am sensitive and love quiet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): On the same note, being older than you; I've known women who devoted their life-times to careers and themselves. They are lonely in their success.
They are often contemptible toward those women who were lucky enough to have it all, or who enjoyed motherhood.
They lied to themselves all their lives that it wasn't what they wanted, and privately admit they often wondered what it would have been like to be a mother. Using cats and dogs as a substitute. Children are different.
So don't put it down so badly; because it isn't your choice.
There is sometimes ecstasy in the misery of birthing and raising children. You don't sound like you're on the fence about at all.
They are not the horrible creatures you describe; unless they are abused or improperly disciplined.
They are a delight and a blessing. Just not as treasured by those who really don't like them, or want to have them.
Your anecdotal evidence speaks only for your personal experience.
I guess it depends on your viewpoint.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (13 July 2013):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring Aunty A... It seems to me as though you think that having children guarantees that you will not be lonely when you are in your older years. Have you been to a nursing home? Most of them have kids and are as lonely as the next person. Having kids does not guarantee that you would be surrounded by people in old age.
As for death..... I would give my assets and money to my siblings and charity.
My sister is young enough to be my child so I just give my attention to her when I feel like it.
I noticed that you are from Australia but I am not sure how old you are. Australians are generally ageist and very behind on these matters.
It seems to me that most people here are obsessed with money and reproducing.
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A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (12 July 2013):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comment. Although I have heard basically the same opinions from other people, I do enjoy hearing what other,s opinions are.I guess I just don't consider having a child as an achievement. You get knocked up and have it. It's not really anything special to me an I don't mean to be offensive- it's just how I see it. I also see that most people who do have kids seem miserable most of the time and either pretend it's ok because everyone else is doing it and "getting married and having kids is just what people do" so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. My bed's made now I have to lie in it.I had a pregnancy scare with a summer fling a few months ago. I was so scared that I was pregnant. I was in tears. Then I wrote a list of great things that I would do with my life if it it turned out that I wasn't pregnant. This list was already in my head but I decided to put it down on paper and I started to get very excited. I was praying for my period. Thank god I wasn't pregnant and now I am making the things on that list come true and enjoying life so much. That experience made me feel as though maybe I would be happier without kids.Everytime a friend of mine tells me that they are pregnant I feel sad. It's as though they are blowing their potential. What were once beautiful smart women are now haggard, worried women with nothing to talk about. My siblings were born when I was 12 and 16 so I have seen the progression of child rearing from birth to adulthood so I know what it is like. My friends tell me that things are going to get easier as their kids get older but I know from experience that that's false info. It gets harder but in different ways. Yes, thy are not as noisy or messy once they get to 10 years but teen years!!!! Yikes!!! My siblings were super well behaved and it was still a lot to take on but more in an emotional and psychological way than when they are children. From what I can see is the women who never had any other wants in life other than to have kids are the only ones that should be having them. I am a big believer in prioritising and focus. You can't have it all. I have 2 friends like this and I truly believe that having kids was their higher purpose. The ones that have them and it wasn't there higher purpose I pity in a way. They love their kids but it's clear that they feel as though they have lost a lot and are well aware of it. They have lost a part of themselves that they didn't want to lose and they will never get it back.Early retirement, a husband, holidays, career and a couple of dogs sounds so much better!!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (12 July 2013):
 In the absence of children you are at liberty to fulfil your life as you please… At the end of the day one can either find themselves having contentment or feeling discontent when they later reflect on their life achievements?For me, I wonder which of those achievements would be more comforting to us when we are finally at the end of our life-span. Example only; Would it be that we’ve humbly raised good children and left them our legacy or that we’ve acquired beautifully framed Achievement Awards and plaques that bare our sole name from our peers? Certainly there’s an unknown destiny with or without children, all you have is the ‘now’ in which you do not see yourself leaning towards children. The sign that you speak of will only become more apparent when you’re grey haired, to see the loneliness or fulfilment of either one of these choices.If you choose not to have children please be aware that you may have to set up a Power of Attorney to act on your behalf when you reach the point of being aged, frail and or incoherent etc… From my experience; this is one area of reality you’ll have to consider.CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): To have mixed feelings is not a definite no. People who really don't want kids are pretty certain that they don't.
It only means you are giving it more than careful consideration, and you're not ruling out your option not to.
Don't allow society, your parents, or the comments of others to influence the decision. It is one you make personally; based on your own needs and your life plans.
The thing is, feelings change. Noone knows better than you what feels right for you. You like children; but you can't see them in your immediate future. So no kids for now.
It's a good idea to make your true feelings known to anyone with the intent to marry you.
Someday, you may marry and desire to have children. You may meet someone who already has children. You can adapt to the situation. Being on the fence allows you to be happy either way.
Sometimes we don't know what we want until it isn't a choice. You may fall in love with someone who is sterile, or discover you are yourself. It will not be devastating news.
Leave your options open. Your personality and introspection
will be your guide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): I'm 30 and feel about kids in a similar way. HOWEVER, I decided to look at the situation long term - I want family dinner, I want kids at Christmas, I want to take them to the Galapagos Islands for a trip. Yes there is emotional/psychological/financial stress with having kids, however I've decided to believe that my kid(s) will be different (haha) - a relaxed, mature, global kid. Now that might not happen, but it's the way I had to think to convince myself pregnancy is the way to go. We're pregnant now and I'm falling in love with her. She's going to be awesome. I think in the long run, if you're a good parent and raised them well, its worth it.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 July 2013):
 It sounds to me like you don't want them, though it's of course impossible to know as I am not you! What are the reasons you personally would want them? It doesn't sound on the fence to me here, as you only listed why you do not want them. That's perfectly alright. Not everyone wants kids and you will not be happy if you have them because you feel pressure to from your family or friends.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): Honestly, I think it's something you feel and know for sure. You just know you and your partner want to have a child together. Personally, if I was in your shoes, and I was unsure, on the fence, I would wait until I was sure.Common hesitations come when you know you want to have children but you are concerned about being able to afford having them, or possibly being too old, too young, wanting to complete other things in life that might stop or slow you with children, or for health reasons, things like that.It's a personal choice in planning a family or not. Some people just know they do not want to be a parent or want the lifetime responsibility. It's really refreshing to read about someone who is thinking this through. Trust your gut and keep talking about it. You might wake up one day next year and say, I really want to have a child. Again, I really believe it's something you just know and have an overwhelming feeling for. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): "Do you think if you are on the fence about having kids then you shouldn't have them AND if (like me) the idea of not having them is a relief do you think That is probably a sign to not have them?"
Yes AND yes.
Nothing sadder than a child who knows s/he's not wanted and kids are so intuitive that there's no hiding the cold harsh truth from them.
Unlike most non-parents, you have a realistic grasp on the demands and commitment that parenting requires. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Sadly, most who aren't don't make that discovery until they have kids.
If anyone have any reasonable doubt about having kids, then don't have them.
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