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Do the stains on his underwear mean what they think I mean? Is he taking care of business without me?

Tagged as: Health, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 July 2013) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 July 2013)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I would like some insight from the guys on this one.

It's been a long time since I was married and did a man's laundry so perhaps I've just forgotten. I am engaged and have been with my guy (living together) for about a year now. Anyway, I notice on occasion there is dried semen on his underwear. Sometimes it's obvious from after sex. Other times there are traces from the pair he wore during the day and other times it's a lot more and other days nothing at all. I really am not looking for it, I just notice throwing clothes into the washing machine and don't really think much of it.

But now I am wondering because today it seemed like a lot and kind of a long blotchy line and I thinking, what is this man doing during the day? Now, here's the twist... he's 48 and we deal with ED. Not really the issue, but he's a one shot a day guy. That's all he's got. And there are times when he cannot ejaculate, and he's taken his ED pill. I understand that sometimes that finish just doesn't happen, and I surely know that if we have had sex that morning or afternoon on his own, even with a pill in the evening he's not going to be able to ejaculate again and he will only stay erect until he's physically tired and then he deflates, intercourse is over, the end. Or it's just oral if I haven't had an orgasm before intercourse.

Guys, explain this to me. I realize it's normal to have erections throughout the day, but is it normal for pre-ejaculation to come out or is it from masturbation?

I guess where I am going with this is, if knowing what his performance will be with a pill and he's already had an orgasm without me (speculating), if he's "wasting it" with his own hand, I feel kind of second rate. It's enough dealing with ED, and we do pretty well, but when there are those times "he claims his penis is not cooperating" with a pill, I wonder if he's just saying this because he's already taken care of himself and he wants more but we both know it will only be an erection for a while. He also knows that I cannot have an orgasm unless it's oral, so he's not doing me any favors by taking a pill to satisfy me. I feel like I need that finish from him. I don't demand it, but it makes me feel like it was good for him and he is satisfied. It could just be me because I don't like the feeling of building up an orgasm then losing it before it happens. Does a man have that same kind of feeling? I am speculating and I do not know if anything I am saying is on track or not. This is why I am asking.

If you guys wouldn't mind taking the time to answer the best way you can, I would appreciate it. I just want to understand. I am careful about addressing too much with him because having ED is awkward enough. I support him and am patient to a point. But if he's selfishly taking care of himself when our very active sex life revolves around his tempermental penis, I feel like that is unfair (again speculating because I'm trying to understand why the semen on the underwear).

View related questions: ejaculate, engaged, erection, orgasm, semen, sex life, underwear

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013):

I agree with the first poster. I'm 50 and the only way I'd have semen stains in my underwear is from masturbation.

ED is a huge psychological blow. It used to be that all you needed for sex was her consent. Now you just never know if the equipment is going to work, and it's just devastating. His masturbating isn't great if it's taking something away from you, but there *is* something reassuring about a stress-free 'equipment check.'

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013):

I am the same age and whilst everyone is different I don't think guys in this age group get impromptu erections any more, sad to say. Performing for your wife / girlfriend can be very stressful and ED can kick in. Somehow it works much more easily on your own and gives the confidence that it still does work. So don't get too mad with him. The most important thing is his (and your) physical fitness. More exercise is always good and try to reduce the stress on both of you. Sex is meant to be about having fun together, so make sure it is!

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